Escape.

Some days(wait, correction, most days) I can't help but think about how much I wish I had my own car. And not just because I want one. But because I have found so many instances where I have needed one. Like today. If I had my own car, I'd just get in it and be gone. I'd leave for a couple hours and only come back for work tonight. But no. Instead, I have to rely and wait on someone else to hopefully be either willing to take me somewhere or have to go there themselves. I don't rely on others well. In fact, I can't rely on others. It upsets me. I just want the ability to escape on my own and not have to worry about anyone else.

It's interesting...

It's interesting to hear other people's point of view. It's interesting to see how they react to the same exact thing. How something so personal for both sides can be construed into something completely opposite for both. It's hard to take ourselves out of our own vision of things and to try to see it another person's way. Yet, sometimes, by even stepping out of our own shoes, we can find that maybe things were meant to be seen from the way we have always seen it. It's interesting...

Let's Hope I Don't Walk Away Alone

I just watched Love On The Side. Now, this movie may come off as a bit odd but the story line is great. Now, I'm not saying I would love for this exact thing to happen to me but it did get me thinking a few things. One thing I thought was "I'm going to leave when you decide you finally want me". Now, this isn't saying I'm going to walk away when someone finally wants me, it's saying that it seems like the turn of events could happen that way. I'm not planning on staying in one place. What if by some magical chance, someone decides they want to be with me after my bags have already been packed? And especially if this is someone I want as well. Honestly, I can only hope that maybe they wouldn't be willing to give me up so easily. I can honestly only hope I'm not willing to give up my dream either...

Life...Not As We Know It...

How can we ever get used to losing something we once always knew. It's simply too crazy how we can know something so well, always have it there by our side, then bam. One day it's just gone. I can never get used to that. It's been seven or eight years since I lost my grandpa and I'm still not used to him being gone. I still wait to see him. I still think that maybe, just maybe, he's going to be sitting there on his deck chair, drinking a beer and watching the birds. But he's not. And it's sad. It's hard. And I'll never get used to him being gone. It's the same for old high school classmates that either never got to graduate or see much of life beyond high school. I feel like I'm going to walk into my high school reunion and there they are. They'll be standing there among everyone else. But they won't be. And I'm not used to that. I can't accept that. My grandmother's funeral is tomorrow morning. I'm not going to be there. I have too many obligations that I couldn't get out of. It's sad. I just know that tomorrow morning is going to hit everyone, including me. It's going to...suck. There is no other way to put it. Life just...its so unexpected. There are so many curves and unexpected turns. No one ever gets used to it. Once one thing gets comfortable, something new gets thrown in. We never know what is going to happen. It's terrifying. It's scary and exciting all at the same time. I want to live life to the fullest. I never want to miss a beat because if I miss one beat, I could miss my entire life. Death scares me beyond belief. I just want my life to be worth my death in the end...

"You"

I have a lot of thoughts. They take me from place to place and emotion to emotion. Some days, I have more hope and confidence than I ever thought possible. And some days, I just have to let myself think and reflect. It's a tough process, making my way through it all. It's not easy. It's not easy to turn your back to one thing and never look back. Sure, I've moved to a whole new state of mind. But there are still pieces of that old place. I take glances every now and then at what used to be. I still think about it. I think about how you treated me. I think about how I treated me. I think about how I looked at life. I thought I had a clear outlook and perspective. Then I realized I was clouded. Now, I feel that it is a bit more accurate and better but I also realize I will never have a clear outlook on life. Not the present, never the future, and not even a complete understanding of the past. I wonder continuously about the unknown. I wonder continuously about what you were thinking, about what you are thinking. I wonder about the questions I have never found the answers to. I wonder about the truths and the lies. I never stop wondering. And sometimes, this gets me down. It's not that it actually makes me sad, but I just get so wrapped up in the thoughts that it's hard to find my way back to reality. I get lost in dreams and in hopes. I get lost thinking about you. Wondering if you're thinking of me. Wondering what you think of me. Will we always be just friends? We we even stay friends. We we move forward or will I lose you. Have I ever had you? Have I ever had me, in a clear understanding. When I look in the past, I see how you, and you, and so many of you, treated me. I see how you treated me good. How you treated me like I wasn't worth a thing, how you used me. I see how you pushed your way back into my life when I so carelessly blinded myself and how you cared for me. Then I look at what I have now. I see how you, the one who ruined me, are no longer in my life. And I see how you, who cared for me and picked me back up, are the rock I lean upon. And I see you, someone I want to carry into my future in at least one way. Which brings me to the unforseeable future. It's best this way really. Yet all I can do is hope that you, the sweet good one, is still there, strong beside me and you, the undeniably hurtful one, is lost among the shadows. I don't know where life is going to take me. I won't know until I get there. But I plan to fight my way there. I will not lose the battle that I have earned the right to wage in. I'm still stronger than I've ever been. I'm a person I love now, to the bottoms of my soul. I'm a happy heart. I am me. And "me" is who I will always be....

A Summer Of Peace

I spent this summer working. Not only was I working physically at a summer job, but I also happened to be doing a lot of working on myself. I didn't realize at first that this was in fact what was happening. I just happened to notice that I was feeling different. I was feeling truly happy. See, earlier this spring, I happened to go through a rough time. I know I've said this many times but it was really the truth. I was very down. This is just the truth. I was fighting through a lot of internal battles. But somehow, just working this summer helped me find myself. I spent the summer working, thinking(when I wasn't passing out from exhaustion) and being with my friends-the people that I found to truly care for me. I came back to school feeling mentally rejuvenated. I still feel just truly happy. The areas I stressed about before I came back have fallen out of my thoughts. I have this new confidence in me. I have figured out many things about myself and have accepted who I am. This is amazing to me. I cannot express how I feel...maybe the future will bring the right words.

I know exactly what i want from life...ive never known this before...

How can love turn to hate? How can happiness turn to anger? How can something that was once so great become so unbearable?

Changing Thoughts

So lately I’ve been thinking about the fact that I haven’t been thinking as much. I know, I know. This sounds impossible. I mean, who thinks about the fact that they haven’t been thinking? That right there shows that one has been thinking. But, this is true. I have indeed not been thinking as much. And by thinking I mean the deep, meaningful, thoughtful thinking. Not the random, in one ear and out the other thoughts that you forget as soon as it’s gone. I mean, I figured “hey, now that I have a job like this, I’ll be able to think more and maybe figure some stories out, figure some ‘life things’ out, and whatnot”. Yet, truth be told, I’m not sure what I’m thinking most of the time when I’m shoveling dust around with a 36 inch dust mop or folding gigantic pieces of cardboard into the object called the baler. There are moments that I’ll even stop moving and think, “what the heck have I been thinking about these past three hours?” Yet nothing of substance really seemed to come to mind. Yet, for some reason, I feel as though maybe I’ve been thinking a little more this week. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I had three days worth of “makeover”. Okay, not really that drastic. But, I did make some substantial changes. I used to have long hair halfway down my back. Now, it nearly escapes my shoulders. And it used to be a light-ish, weird-ish, brown-ish, color. Now, it’s burgundy and black. Also, there is this little gem looking thing “stuck” to the side of my nose that is a little interesting in my peripheral vision. These are all changes that I have been waiting to make for months now. They felt…necessary for me to make. They felt as if, because of the change that has happened to me, I needed to create a change with me. And so far, it has helped. Granted, it is only a couple days into the “new look”, but I still feel different. There does seem to be a bit of an esteem boost. And I see myself happier with the way I look. And this creates thoughts. This creates the “if all these changes keep occurring to me and if I can change how I look, maybe I can create some other changes in me.” This gives me some hope to finally gaining the sense of “lost-ness” I keep feeling. The sense of, “where do I belong in this huge, looming world?” I mean, as I’ve known for a long time, not all the answers are available yet and not everything makes sense right now. But there does seem to be this sense of being lost. I don’t know where I belong, or that I belong. I don’t know where I’ll end up. I just know that I feel like this isn’t where it is. “This” being so many different things. I mean, I have so many hopes for the future(far and near) and so many dreams. I have wishes pouring from my heart and begging to come true. Yet, they don’t seem to be. I get scared easily. And I also get paranoid, and lonely a lot faster that I feel that I should. Yet, I can’t help this. And the more I worry about the fact that I worry too much, the more that I worry. Which is all confusing in itself and doesn’t help the matter much. I also notice that lately, I seem to be putting hope in more farfetched ideas. This is where the “thinking” part comes in. I’ve noticed that lately, my thinking goes further away from the “safe boundaries” I set up for myself(in hopes of not getting my hopes dashed so often). I don’t know why this is. Maybe I’m getting tired of the normal, safe thoughts I always had. Or maybe I’m just getting tired of the way things are right now. I believe it is both. Yet, while I know that I can indeed help create some change in this chaotic mess, I have learned there are many, many things that I cannot change. Either they flow they way they are meant to, or they are stuck in the groove they’ve been in. All I can hope for is that maybe something will come of my thoughts…

Tug Of War

Lately it seems like a struggle to stay happy. Sure, I want to be happy. But for some reason I can’t just be happy. It’s not something I can just command. It’s a constant battle. One thing makes me happy, keeps me smiling for several hours and even randomly when I remember it. Then one little thing can sweep it all out from under me and it takes twice the effort just to smile. It’s true, it’s hard for me to find a place where I am happy. I work all week long where sometimes, the days are good and some days, I can’t wait to leave there fast enough. Then I come home, exhausted and sore and ready to collapse. And sometimes I do just that. I collapse and nothing happens for the rest of the day. I sleep and numbly watch tv then go right back to sleep. Yet, I never feel refreshed lately. The only times I feel alive is when I’m out. When I’m around those close to me. When I’m doing just about whatever to pass the time with others. Yet, I cannot always go out. I cannot spend all my time with others. As much as it helps me, I still have to come home and sleep and relax some. Then there’s the tension. The unhappiness in the air. The struggle to keep the peace. That’s a battle I always seem to be losing lately. It tears me apart. I try and try to make things better, to make people happier and instead, I go to sleep with a heavy heart. I ache for a better day the next day. I ache for even just one joke or nice word from someone passing by. I thrive on these. Mostly because for some reason lately, I feel like I’m failing. The one thing I’ve always tried to do(make other people happy) just doesn’t seem to be working anymore. And well, that makes it hard to be happy myself. I know, I know, I’m not supposed to just thrive on others and others can’t make me truly happy. That’s not what I’m doing here. I’m just simply trying to thrive on others. I’m trying to survive on my own. I’m trying to take the good things about myself and make them better, bring them out and show myself that I’m a good person. Yet, the good things about myself never seem to be good enough to satisfy. This opens an entirely new area of hidden thoughts. Even hidden to myself sometimes. I know that I’ve had my issues to over come in the past. And I’ve overcome them. Yet, sometimes I don’t overcome them so much as shove them into a deep dark corner of my mind that I bury with happy thoughts and laughter. The only time they get drudged up are when I don’t have the happy thoughts and laughter to keep them buried. And when there seems to be so much sadness that it reminds me that I’m burying things myself. I’m running from myself every time I reach for that door handle. I’m ignoring myself every time I laugh at memories. Yet sometimes, I do need to run and ignore. Because these daunting thoughts aren’t always true. Many times, they are cruel ways of making myself think I’m not good enough even though I know I am. It’s a sick and twisted road to happiness. Those who find their way to true smiles have been through their share of tears and pain. Once we make it to the end, we know what that smile really feels like. And we know we’ve earned it.