See What You Believe

 I want to be that positive, optimistic dreamer. I want to soar for the clouds and never look back. I want to reach and never fall. I want more than I can have. Each day, I find a new way to cope, a new thing to believe it. Each day, I find myself one step closer to believing in more than I have, sometimes believing in too much. But I will never stop believing. Hope is for those who can't help but dream of a day when believing truly becomes seeing.

See What You Believe

 I want to be that positive, optimistic dreamer. I want to soar for the clouds and never look back. I want to reach and never fall. I want more than I can have. Each day, I find a new way to cope, a new thing to believe it. Each day, I find myself one step closer to believing in more than I have, sometimes believing in too much. But I will never stop believing. Hope is for those who can't help but dream of a day when believing truly becomes seeing.

Unappreciation

I know it's not right to complain about what I don't have but lately, I'm seeing it more and more. Every time I log onto Facebook lately, I see people complaining. One minute they love this person with their whole heart, the next they hate them. Back and forth. Others complain about how they're bored and/or lonely and just want someone to talk to. Yet, they don't seem to make the effort to actually reach out to their friends. Yet, then they begin to complain about how none of their friends want to talk to them and how they thought their friends were true friends and yet their fake friends. People are continuously pushing others away. Pushing people and opportunities away and then complaining about not having things. Yet, they don't seem to realize that they have more than they realize and that if they hadn't pushed things away and let themselves think they had nothing, they wouldn't be complaining. I know I'm not perfect. I know I've done this myself. But I'm taking the fall. I don't talk to some of my friends like I want to because I'm not good at keeping contact. I get stressed easily. I have anxiety problems. It's not an excuse, I just have to learn to cope with things better. Yet, I still see others not coping. And they don't have anxiety problems. I see others who get basically free rides to college wasting time and acting like they deserve everything for being there. Sure, I know they probably aren't thinking that. But it's hard for me not to think that when I'm struggling to pay for a college I don't even like most of the time with money that I don't even have. I'm struggling to make it farther each day in this world, in this life I'm living even though I can't get any farther. I'm becoming claustrophobic. I'm walled in by things out of my control. My dream is hard to reach. I don't have money to even pay for college, much less throw around on frequent trips out to eat. Yet, sometimes all I desire is to take an evening off from all the stresses of classes I don't feel I need and go somewhere with a friend, and yes, spend some money. I'd give anything for a car and a real job right now. Yet I can't. I'm walled in. So please, all I'm asking is to appreciate what you have. Because those who don't have it would give anything for it. And you gladly throw it around like it's nothing. You have college paid for. You have easy access to the job you want in the future. You can drive yourself to Taco Bell and Wal-Mart at anytime you please. You have friends who stick close by at all times, begging to be a part of your life. You have people pining after you, wanting to be with you. Appreciate that.

To Call Oneself A Friend, How?

I’m not sure where to start. Maybe with the fact that I knew from the beginning you would be the one to break my heart. I knew you were the only one who had ever had the power to. I just didn’t know that when the time came, you would actually be gentle about it. And I still didn’t know it would hurt this bad for this long. I knew you’d find someone better. I always knew I wouldn’t be good enough. And now it’s confirmed. It’s obvious you want her over me. Part of me doesn’t understand. I’m willing to let it all pass. She isn’t. She’s not willing to let a “nothing” go. But it’s her you want. Not me. Her. And it honestly doesn’t surprise me. I mean I always knew I would be the one to lose. So why does it still hurt so bad. You’re still in my life. Just as a friend though. That’s all you’ll ever be. I’ll never get to tell you how I still love you. I’ll never get to hear you say that again. I’ll never get to look at you the way I’ve always wanted to. And I’ll never get that look back. It’s not just that you want her…it’s that you don’t want me anymore. I don’t even know if you ever did. I believe what you’ve told me. You swear you’ve never lied to me. And I believe you…I just can’t trust anyone right now. So, it’s all twisted. I don’t know if I should believe you but I know that that is what I want. I want to trust you, I want to continue to believe you. And I know that no matter what, I don’t want to lose you. Not even as a friend. I’ve known that I always wanted you in my life, one way or another. Sometimes, it doesn’t really hurt that much. Then suddenly, all I want to do it cry. All I want to do is be able to tell you all that I feel. But “friends” don’t feel the way I feel. Right now, I just want to find a way to get over you. To just be able to let all of this go. To move on, like I need to. I need to just be able to let you go the way that I know you. Teach myself how to know you as just a friend. But right now, I can’t.  Right now, everything reminds me of you. Nearly every song on the radio has some sort of lyric that reminds me of you. (The Fray, then Kelly Clarkson) “I want you to move on so I’m already gone.” There’s more from this song that reminds me but it’s almost as if this line is one you’re wanting to say me. You’ve already moved on. You’re already gone from that part of my life so now it’s just time for me to move on. Eventually I will, I know I will. Just like I know that everything happens for a reason. And I’m the understanding one anyway. You’ve always told me that. And I do understand. Just probably not in the way that you think I do. I understand that I’m not meant to have you in my life the way I want to. I understand that life goes on. I understand that everything happens for a reason and that I just have to live with it. 

Methods of Motivation

Where does motivation come from? It comes from many places. Sometimes, motivation can come from places of pure unhappiness. It's a need for change, a need for something better or something more in life.

A Piece For Me??

Sometimes I just want to scream about how unfair it all is. How I can work so hard towards something and get nothing in return yet I can actually see results being handed to people all around me. It physically hurts to hear about others' easy success for things I have worked for and never received. I try to keep a happy smile, yet, it is so hard to do when reality keeps slapping me in the face. I have worked so hard to get to where I am. Yet, I have no break. It's just a facade laying over more work that I have to do. Sure, I've made it to college, and I'm still doing good here. Yet, each day that passes is another day in further debt that I fall. I am working two campus jobs(with the possibility of four places total) yet, that money is not seen by me. It seems to fall into some sort of black hole. There are so many things I wish to do, dream of doing, yet cannot simply because I do not have the money. Yet, I see others around me who are able to just rip out the check with ease. They get to take the journeys that I wish I could go on more than anything. They get to live the dreams that I think about constantly. They get the opportunities I can only wish for. It is more than just losing out on some of these big opportunities. It is just day-to-day life. When I do good at something, I can't take the time to celebrate because I have to begin working towards the next thing or I just can't afford to celebrate. Like I said, there are other things in this area. Things that I dream of that do not even involve money. Things I want so dearly. Yet I am never given the chance. I see people with what I want all around me. I also see so many people throwing it all away carelessly, yet if I were given the chance, I would take it graciously and I wouldn't take advantage of it. I know it is not wise to complain about what I do not have. Yet, in the world I live, reality strikes all around me. The things I dream and pray for are being wisked off to others. I hope that one day it will all pay off. I keep that hope in me. But right now...it is simply unfair.

Years of Change

Catching up with old childhood friends is an old experience. It is so interesting to see how two people who used to be nearly inseparable can be so different only a matter of ten years later. I see this with several friends I used to know so well. Now, we're on completely different paths, hundreds of miles apart. Sometimes I wonder if we would still be those great of friends if I hadn't moved. I just wonder how it all would have been, how different would we each be. From who we are now, or from who each other are...

In Between

Sometimes, I can't wait until I actually get out into the real world. Full time job. Place of my own. My own food to cook and eat. Working on my own time schedule instead of someone else's. It's a great feeling knowing I'm working towards that. Yet, I'm still stuck here, waiting until that day. But is it really so bad to wait until then? To just take it day by day and take what I have now and appreciate it? Not. It's exactly how I should think of it. Sure, it's going to be great when I have my own "life" to live. Yet, right now, I've just got to live with what I have.

How can you ever judge how someone feels about their life? How can you know whether they are happy or sad? Tears and smiles can be deceiving

Dreaming Thoughts

Thoughts are never meant to be analyzed or over justified. Thoughts are just meant to be. They have meaning behind them. There is real meaning to them. But they nearly never occur in a perfect pattern. It's when we begin thinking about them that we go in depth. We just have to be careful not to look at them too deeply. Dreams play into this. We have dreams all the time. We don't always remember them and even less often do we understand them. Lately, I've been having a wide array of dreams. They certainly don't all make sense. Some are just really odd. (These dreams are some of the reason that some people think I may have anxiety issues.) Yet last night, I had one that I really don't know what to think of it. I want it to come true to a degree. Yet, not in the sense that it was last night. Also, I'm not sure exactly what this dreams mean. I always believe there is a reason we have our dreams. There is some sort of meaning behind them. No, not always some huge symbolic meaning. But just something, some reasoning behind them. The mind doesn't shut off. Even once we've drifted off into sleep, our subconscious is still thinking away. I know that I have thought some about the subject I dreamed about but it still really caught me by surprise. I believe what got me most was how I felt. My emotions throughout. I was happy. Usually, whenever I do think about this subject, I get scared. Scared for different reasons and it doesn't take over completely how I feel. The fear is only a small part but it is always there when I consciously think about it. Yet, last night, there was only one emotion. Happiness. I was happy. It just caught me by surprise.