A Summer Of Peace

I spent this summer working. Not only was I working physically at a summer job, but I also happened to be doing a lot of working on myself. I didn't realize at first that this was in fact what was happening. I just happened to notice that I was feeling different. I was feeling truly happy. See, earlier this spring, I happened to go through a rough time. I know I've said this many times but it was really the truth. I was very down. This is just the truth. I was fighting through a lot of internal battles. But somehow, just working this summer helped me find myself. I spent the summer working, thinking(when I wasn't passing out from exhaustion) and being with my friends-the people that I found to truly care for me. I came back to school feeling mentally rejuvenated. I still feel just truly happy. The areas I stressed about before I came back have fallen out of my thoughts. I have this new confidence in me. I have figured out many things about myself and have accepted who I am. This is amazing to me. I cannot express how I feel...maybe the future will bring the right words.

I know exactly what i want from life...ive never known this before...

How can love turn to hate? How can happiness turn to anger? How can something that was once so great become so unbearable?

Changing Thoughts

So lately I’ve been thinking about the fact that I haven’t been thinking as much. I know, I know. This sounds impossible. I mean, who thinks about the fact that they haven’t been thinking? That right there shows that one has been thinking. But, this is true. I have indeed not been thinking as much. And by thinking I mean the deep, meaningful, thoughtful thinking. Not the random, in one ear and out the other thoughts that you forget as soon as it’s gone. I mean, I figured “hey, now that I have a job like this, I’ll be able to think more and maybe figure some stories out, figure some ‘life things’ out, and whatnot”. Yet, truth be told, I’m not sure what I’m thinking most of the time when I’m shoveling dust around with a 36 inch dust mop or folding gigantic pieces of cardboard into the object called the baler. There are moments that I’ll even stop moving and think, “what the heck have I been thinking about these past three hours?” Yet nothing of substance really seemed to come to mind. Yet, for some reason, I feel as though maybe I’ve been thinking a little more this week. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I had three days worth of “makeover”. Okay, not really that drastic. But, I did make some substantial changes. I used to have long hair halfway down my back. Now, it nearly escapes my shoulders. And it used to be a light-ish, weird-ish, brown-ish, color. Now, it’s burgundy and black. Also, there is this little gem looking thing “stuck” to the side of my nose that is a little interesting in my peripheral vision. These are all changes that I have been waiting to make for months now. They felt…necessary for me to make. They felt as if, because of the change that has happened to me, I needed to create a change with me. And so far, it has helped. Granted, it is only a couple days into the “new look”, but I still feel different. There does seem to be a bit of an esteem boost. And I see myself happier with the way I look. And this creates thoughts. This creates the “if all these changes keep occurring to me and if I can change how I look, maybe I can create some other changes in me.” This gives me some hope to finally gaining the sense of “lost-ness” I keep feeling. The sense of, “where do I belong in this huge, looming world?” I mean, as I’ve known for a long time, not all the answers are available yet and not everything makes sense right now. But there does seem to be this sense of being lost. I don’t know where I belong, or that I belong. I don’t know where I’ll end up. I just know that I feel like this isn’t where it is. “This” being so many different things. I mean, I have so many hopes for the future(far and near) and so many dreams. I have wishes pouring from my heart and begging to come true. Yet, they don’t seem to be. I get scared easily. And I also get paranoid, and lonely a lot faster that I feel that I should. Yet, I can’t help this. And the more I worry about the fact that I worry too much, the more that I worry. Which is all confusing in itself and doesn’t help the matter much. I also notice that lately, I seem to be putting hope in more farfetched ideas. This is where the “thinking” part comes in. I’ve noticed that lately, my thinking goes further away from the “safe boundaries” I set up for myself(in hopes of not getting my hopes dashed so often). I don’t know why this is. Maybe I’m getting tired of the normal, safe thoughts I always had. Or maybe I’m just getting tired of the way things are right now. I believe it is both. Yet, while I know that I can indeed help create some change in this chaotic mess, I have learned there are many, many things that I cannot change. Either they flow they way they are meant to, or they are stuck in the groove they’ve been in. All I can hope for is that maybe something will come of my thoughts…

Tug Of War

Lately it seems like a struggle to stay happy. Sure, I want to be happy. But for some reason I can’t just be happy. It’s not something I can just command. It’s a constant battle. One thing makes me happy, keeps me smiling for several hours and even randomly when I remember it. Then one little thing can sweep it all out from under me and it takes twice the effort just to smile. It’s true, it’s hard for me to find a place where I am happy. I work all week long where sometimes, the days are good and some days, I can’t wait to leave there fast enough. Then I come home, exhausted and sore and ready to collapse. And sometimes I do just that. I collapse and nothing happens for the rest of the day. I sleep and numbly watch tv then go right back to sleep. Yet, I never feel refreshed lately. The only times I feel alive is when I’m out. When I’m around those close to me. When I’m doing just about whatever to pass the time with others. Yet, I cannot always go out. I cannot spend all my time with others. As much as it helps me, I still have to come home and sleep and relax some. Then there’s the tension. The unhappiness in the air. The struggle to keep the peace. That’s a battle I always seem to be losing lately. It tears me apart. I try and try to make things better, to make people happier and instead, I go to sleep with a heavy heart. I ache for a better day the next day. I ache for even just one joke or nice word from someone passing by. I thrive on these. Mostly because for some reason lately, I feel like I’m failing. The one thing I’ve always tried to do(make other people happy) just doesn’t seem to be working anymore. And well, that makes it hard to be happy myself. I know, I know, I’m not supposed to just thrive on others and others can’t make me truly happy. That’s not what I’m doing here. I’m just simply trying to thrive on others. I’m trying to survive on my own. I’m trying to take the good things about myself and make them better, bring them out and show myself that I’m a good person. Yet, the good things about myself never seem to be good enough to satisfy. This opens an entirely new area of hidden thoughts. Even hidden to myself sometimes. I know that I’ve had my issues to over come in the past. And I’ve overcome them. Yet, sometimes I don’t overcome them so much as shove them into a deep dark corner of my mind that I bury with happy thoughts and laughter. The only time they get drudged up are when I don’t have the happy thoughts and laughter to keep them buried. And when there seems to be so much sadness that it reminds me that I’m burying things myself. I’m running from myself every time I reach for that door handle. I’m ignoring myself every time I laugh at memories. Yet sometimes, I do need to run and ignore. Because these daunting thoughts aren’t always true. Many times, they are cruel ways of making myself think I’m not good enough even though I know I am. It’s a sick and twisted road to happiness. Those who find their way to true smiles have been through their share of tears and pain. Once we make it to the end, we know what that smile really feels like. And we know we’ve earned it.

Floating Thoughts

I came to the realization last night that I have nothing tying me down in one place. I have no reason to stay where I am. Sure, I have many great friends. But it’s been proven that our friendship can handle the distance. (And if it can’t handle the distance or anything else of the matter than the friendship isn’t as strong as I thought it was.) So this is also fueling my thoughts of change. This is pushing me to figure out what I need to do for myself. I found myself telling someone today that “I take care of myself”. Of course it was said in a joking manner and in regards to a different subject, but none the less, it is very true. I am the one who has to live with myself and my choices. So of course I need to do what is best for me. Now…just to figure that out…

Floating Thoughts

I came to the realization last night that I have nothing tying me down in one place. I have no reason to stay where I am. Sure, I have many great friends. But it’s been proven that our friendship can handle the distance. (And if it can’t handle the distance or anything else of the matter than the friendship isn’t as strong as I thought it was.) So this is also fueling my thoughts of change. This is pushing me to figure out what I need to do for myself. I found myself telling someone today that “I take care of myself”. Of course it was said in a joking manner and in regards to a different subject, but none the less, it is very true. I am the one who has to live with myself and my choices. So of course I need to do what is best for me. Now…just to figure that out…

Sweeping Thoughts

So…now I have a summer job. And it is a grueling one at that. Eight long hours a day to sleep and clean a plant. But the pay is decent and there’s plenty of people to occasionally talk to. Now, being an accident-prone human being, I have gained a few scratches and bruises of course but the thing that has gotten me is just how exhausted this job makes me. Three days in and my hands feel bruised, my feet can’t stop crying every time I stand on them and every muscle in my body aches. Yet, in some sort of odd way, it is kind of that good ache. It’s the physical exhaustion that makes it kind of easier to fall asleep at night. This job gives me plenty of time to think. Now, most of the time it is just random spurts of thoughts, nothing to right down about. But sometimes, it’s actual thoughts that possess my mind. Like thinking about the next three years. Thinking about where I’m destined to be. If I’m where I’m supposed to be. Or if maybe, just maybe, there is some sort of change that I need to complete. I’ve been feeling like this time in my life is just a big change filled with all these little changes that add up. And now, I feel as if maybe in the next year or so, I’ll be making another choice, another change. I’ll always wonder if I’m where I’m supposed to be in life, if I’m headed in the right direction. I know everything happens for a reason and I am always where I am supposed to be but I can’t help wondering about the right direction. Am I making the right choice? I know it will all work out how it is supposed to, how it is destined to. But I know that I make the choices. I live with the thoughts and consequences. (Still holding onto the fact that everything happens how it’s supposed to). I guess I just can’t help wishing I knew how it was all going to work out. But I know that would ruin the fun of thoughts and choices. So, tomorrow morning I will rise (somewhat) bright and early and I will head to the job that keeps my feet moving(all…day…long) and wonder what thoughts will occur next…Till then, time to find reason behind the thoughts…

Falling Dreamer

You know how hard it is to just be a “friend” when you don’t feel like you are just a “friend”. You know how hard it is to ignore the feelings that haunt your every move. You know how hard it is to push away these thoughts just to try to help you with your problems…maybe so somehow I’ll feel better myself. Or maybe so you’ll realize that I really haven’t gone anywhere. That I’m still here. That I’m not going anywhere, I couldn’t even if I tried. Maybe somewhere deep down in I’m hoping that you still do love me. I know it’ll never happen but…well I’ve always been a hopeless romantic. I’ve always been a dreamer. I sometimes say soaring dreamer but who am I fooling…I’m a falling dreamer. 

Falling Dreamer...Always

You know how hard it is to just be a “friend” when you don’t feel like you are just a “friend”. You know how hard it is to ignore the feelings that haunt your every move. You know how hard it is to push away these thoughts just to try to help you with your problems…maybe so somehow I’ll feel better myself. Or maybe so you’ll realize that I really haven’t gone anywhere. That I’m still here. That I’m not going anywhere, I couldn’t even if I tried. Maybe somewhere deep down in I’m hoping that you still do love me. I know it’ll never happen but…well I’ve always been a hopeless romantic. I’ve always been a dreamer. I sometimes say soaring dreamer but who am I fooling…I’m a falling dreamer.