Seatle

Another sleepless night. Maybe I should move to Seattle? At least then maybe I'd be on the right time zone. Another plus, that would be about as far as I could get away without having to learn a new language. That'd be the "fresh start" I've been aching for for years now. But really. Who can actually get a fresh start. We can't escape our own memories. And even when we do, we always have someone to remind us of the past.

Seattle....I wonder how photographers do there....

Daylight, Bright; Nightfall, There Goes the Wall

Tonight's one of those nights I wish I could write. Lately it's been so hard to just write, no matter what it is. I can't blame this on a simple case of writer's block. It feels like more than that. It feels like a mental block. Like my mind has just shut down and won't wake up. I know there is so much swarming around in my head, wanting to get out. But it's like something has created this block inside my head and even I can't get through. It's even been hard for me to let the tears flow. Yet, as I write this about how I can't write, can't think, and can't cry anymore a tear has formed in the corner of my eye. But it won't fall. I clamp my eyes shut and force it to fall. Yet nothing comes of it. No over flow of emotions. No magnificent words to share. No solid thoughts. Even the feelings that I do know I have have been buried. I buried them as soon as I felt them beginning to surface. Not only can I not find solid grounding for myself lately but I know I couldn't find a solid home for love in my heart. I want it. I even know how exactly I want it. But I can't let it in. I can't let even a small piece of my heart begin to flutter with love. Because once one part of me begins to flutter, the rest of me will fly into a whirlwind tornado. I miss the feeling of love, I miss the feeling of security, of knowing what is going to happen next. I miss the fact that I could dream of "that day". But isn't this what I've been working towards? Isn't this the dream I've been wanting. To get out on my own? But that's just it. When you try to get out on your own, you tend to end up alone. I want someone to take this leap with me. I know I can do it alone. That's not a problem. The problem is I don't want to do this alone. I know twenty is still young but for me it's taken a lifetime to get here. (Yes, I realize it has indeed taken a lifetime-my lifetime-to get here) It just feels like it's been ages. I started being an adult when I was eight years old. I never looked back. I couldn't. I had a heart-broken dad to take care of. My brother, as much as he wouldn't admit it, was too heartbroken himself to handle it. Me, being the young, naive, unknowing one was left to take care of it all. I didn't know any better so how could I fall apart? I didn't know what exactly I was falling apart into. All I'd ever known was the life I'd blindly lived. I didn't know there was another way. Now I do. Now I know the pain that comes with the territory of loving someone. Now I know the pain of doing what is best for yourself, even if it involves heartbreak either on yourself or others involved. I also know that that is what life takes. Life takes pain. They say you can't have the rainbow without the storm, the happiness without the sadness. You know what, they say these things for a reason. Not because they're catchy sayings but because they're true. Pain can be masked by so many other things. Jealousy, anger, bitterness, rage, frustration, false happiness. Yet late at night, when the rest of the world has gone to sleep, the anger and frustration fade away. All that's left is the raw pain. And the tears. It turns out that even a good mask, or some unknown wall can't even hold back the tears. They can't hold back the emotions. The only thing that holds them back is the daylight.

Faded Scars, Strong Memories

While the scars have faded away, the memories are still there. I bury them deep yet there are those rare occasions that they sneak up and take over. They're like a tidal wave, knocking me under. Forcing me to remember those dark days. The days spent by the window, tears streaming down my face like the rain on the window. Those were the days that the only thoughts were how to get away. How to move passed the lonely nights and the masked days. Those were the days that I ached for something better, some shred of true happiness. And those were the days where I ached for someone to see, for someone to know, and for someone to say something. For someone to take me in their arms and tell me that it would all be okay because they were there. Not to turn a cold shoulder and act like everything was okay. And not to be blind to the aching that I held right in front of them. The scars could have been so easy for them to see. They could have so easily noticed and said something. Yet, they never did. And still to this day, I ask, was I that good at hiding or were they that good at ignoring?

Whatever Helps You Sleep At Night

It's a phrase that's been around for...well who knows how long. It tends to be used in situations where people are trying to make others feel bad or they are upset with someone. Yet for me, whatever helps me sleep at night isn't some sort of phrase meant to cause guilt or sadness in anyone. It's a tactic for me. I'm a hopeless hopeful. Meaning I'm always dreaming and thinking about what if's and the future. Sometimes (okay, more than just sometimes), I lay in bed at night and I think about what if's and the future. I have little "mini dreams" about things that could possibly happen. Things I would like to happen. These thoughts help me get to sleep. Yet, thinking about them the next morning doesn't exactly help me get through the day. I know they won't come true. And I know it's not safe to let my heart take control like that. Yet, it really is what helps me sleep at night. I guess I'm backwards. The hopes and dreams that could get me in trouble, those things that make my heart soar then plummet when they get dashed is what helps keep the nightmares away. Things that, if they go badly, can cause nightmares, keeps them away for me as long as they stay the dreams.

Mess

I'm a paranoid person. But not in the sense that I think someone is out to get me. But in the sense that when I'm alone, people see it as lonely. Or they notice what I'm wearing, what I'm eating. I'm paranoid that people look at me and watch my every move. I'm paranoid that I've got something to prove to people-and that there's nothing to prove to them. I'm also paranoid that those around me don't always want to be around me. That they just do it out of pity or because they feel obligated to. It's not a comfortable way for me to live. Yet I have been all these years. And I can't kid myself anymore. As badly as I want to say I'm that independent woman who just doesn't care what others think about her, I'm a paranoid mess.

Bitter

I feel like I've been so angry lately. Angry and tired and irritated and just ready to let someone hear it all. It doesn't even matter who it is that gets it. I just feel so angry. I don't know why. It's more than just irritated by people. It's the fact that I'm so irritated that I'm mad. And for once, I can't figure it out right now. Sure, I can blame it on where I am. But is that really it? I don't have anywhere else to compare it to so I can't know for sure. Not yet at least. I don't like this. I'm not an angry and bitter person...So why have I been lately?

Alone in a Busy World

Sometimes I feel so isolated. Like I don't belong. Like no matter how hard I try, I just won't fit where I am. I'm always searching for a place where I feel comfortable, and like I can be myself. I've tried to fit in where I am. I've tried to blend and become a part of the mix. Yet, it doesn't work. People seem to expect me to open myself and go to them. Yet that is not who I am. This pressure to become friends with people I have no particular interest in is stressful. It's a pressure I'd rather never deal with. Yet, I have people telling and expecting me to come out of my shell and carry on small talk with people who really don't appear to personally care about me. This makes it impossible for me to care about them. This also makes me want to run. Run to a place that I fit. That I'm not pushed into carrying on conversations with people who have no interest in who I am.

Someday Without Settle

I'm taking life one day at a time. Some days, it hurts like hell. But some days, it's the best ride ever. I've learned to not let myself settle. This doesn't mean to "not let myself fall for something" but means to go for what I want and not give up. I know I deserve good things. I am a good person. I know what I want. And while it may not seem like I can get that today, someday, I will.

Hurricane's Wind

It's true. I want to get married. I want to settle down. I want that family. But right now, my entire life and future are up in the air. I don't know where I'm going in life. I can't even begin to think about trying to drag anyone along with me. In a way, I have what I want. I found what I want. And it's at a great stage right now. It's in perfection. Yet, I can't help hope for more. Yet, I know that everything is up in the air. Everything is like a hurricane's wind.

Preoccupied

Today is supposed to be a good day. It's supposed to be a day where I get to see someone I haven't seen in over a year and meet someone new to hang out with and possibly become close friends with. Yet, only one thought is flowing through my mind. You. You're the one person I want to talk to about what's going through my mind yet, I'm afraid to say anything because it's about you. I'm afraid that if I said anything it could jeopardize out friendship. Yet, I don't want to go into something else today with a preoccupied mind and possibly ruin what is supposed to be a good day. I want the courage to tell you and not fear you running scared. You don't seem like the type to run. In fact, you're so much like me and I'm not a runner, yet, you're already preoccupied elsewhere as well...