This isn't easy

It's not easy wondering if I'm going to hear from you again. It's not easy wondering if it was all a lie. I know how my heart feels. It feels this immense love for someone yet now I'm wondering if everything was a lie. I'm trying to be strong. I'm trying not to think about it all the time but it's there. It's haunting my every thought. It's no exaggeration that I lay down with thoughts of you, dream of you, wake with thoughts of you. Sleep isn't easy right now. All I want to do is just go to sleep and let myself dream of you. But I wake up and have to fight the urge to cry. All I could say was okay. I was shocked. I was numb. I didn't know what to think. Now I have every thought in the world...and I can't talk. I can't tell you. I can't ask you these questions bombarding my mind. All I know is that I still love you. I've never once questioned that. I've known it was true from the beginning. I believed every word you've said because for once it sounded good, it sounded right and true. For once I found myself believing that someone out there would love me for me. That someone would actually believe I was worth their time. I'm a hopeless romantic, always wanting that one person to just be real. That's what you are for me. At least that's what I always believed. Now, well, I'm not even sure what to believe. I take your words, reread them over and over. I analyze them. I believe them. But there is this unspoken fear gnawing at the back of my mind. I literally felt my heard shatter and bleed out with my tears when I read those words. I always knew you were the one that could break my heart but I felt like you wouldn't do that. I believed your word...now I'm not sure what to believe. I just need answers. I need you to talk to me. I need to know...I can't keep wondering minute after minute. I can't keep looking at my phone, praying it's you when I know it's not. I can't keep getting these looks and these friendly words of "It'll be okay". Because even though either way it goes I know it will be okay, I just want it to go my way for once. I just want to stop living in a dreamworld and waking up with tears because I'm afraid I'm hoping for something that isn't real. Please. I can't keep crying. I can't keep fearing. I can't keep begging my heart to stop racing or begging it to even keep beating. Please. I need you to answer me. I need these answers. You should know that better than anyone...