Afraid of Success

I think I’ve finally had enough. I think I’ve finally had enough feeling like pure shit. I’ve had enough feeling like I have no energy. Not feeling like doing anything for days on end. I think I’ve had enough of the depression and the anxiety. I’ve had enough of it consuming me. I’ve had enough feeling sorry for myself, and feeling like I’m just not good enough and never will be. I’ve simply had enough. But now where do I go? How do I pick myself up and begin that journey upwards? How will I even be sure that I can make it to that place. I’m not even sure I’ve ever been to a place of happiness and feeling truly satisfied with who I am and where I am. I’m always setting these goals for myself. Everyone says goals are great. But what if you’re the type of person who, when you get close to a goal you change it up and push the goal even further away. I’ve always been so scared of failing. But maybe I’ve always been afraid of success too, and that it just won’t be enough. Maybe that’s why I’ve never climbed out of this hole. It eventually got so comfortable and the top of it just looked so scary that I decided to settle in for the long haul. But I can’t help knowing that I’m really missing out on something big. My life. 

Disappointment

I think I’ve been focusing so much on how hard my life is lately that it’s taken the biggest toll of all. And it’s not that it’s hard because I live on my own, pay my own bills, work as much as possible, and still go to school(although that is rather tough right now). I think that the hardest part about it is feeling like I’m constantly fighting. Fighting for more work hours. Fighting for more money. Fighting to just get school done with. But beyond that, I feel like I’m constantly fighting to be recognized. Fighting for people to support me and be proud of me. Don’t get me wrong, I do have support. I especially have it from the person it means most(my mother). But there’s this entire other half of support that is completely missing. It’s like a bridge that half collapsed. The word “disappointment” is ringing so loudly in my head that I can’t shut it off. It’s a word that’s hard to hear, hard to see, and most certainly hard to feel. It’s a word that I can’t recover from. It’s a word I’m fighting whole-heartedly against and I’m running out of energy fast. It takes me back. First stop is too long ago to dredge up. But the next stop is recent. The next stop is the most recent fight that I’m still trying to bounce back from losing. It’s the fight of two years. The feeling of just completely losing two years. Well, not completely. But still, it’s the fact that I feel the need to constantly prove myself and I have nothing to show for those two years other than some things I learned and the abuse of my heart. No, I am still not over everything that happened those two years. Because ever since then(it’s only been a year) I feel like I am still trying to regain everything I lost. I separated myself from every situation I was in. I “became a true adult” thinking that that would finally, finally get the attention of everyone and finally make them stop using me and start appreciating me. But here I am, coming quickly on the “one year anniversary” of the summer that I changed my entire life. And what do I feel like I have to show for it? Someone being disappointed in me. I’m about to turn 21(in 5 days) and it’s a time that you should celebrate. Yet, this word is resounding loud in my head. Disappointment. I’ve been told many times that there will always be those people you can never please. But why does it have to be the entire half of what should always be someone’s support system?