Seatle

Another sleepless night. Maybe I should move to Seattle? At least then maybe I'd be on the right time zone. Another plus, that would be about as far as I could get away without having to learn a new language. That'd be the "fresh start" I've been aching for for years now. But really. Who can actually get a fresh start. We can't escape our own memories. And even when we do, we always have someone to remind us of the past.

Seattle....I wonder how photographers do there....

Daylight, Bright; Nightfall, There Goes the Wall

Tonight's one of those nights I wish I could write. Lately it's been so hard to just write, no matter what it is. I can't blame this on a simple case of writer's block. It feels like more than that. It feels like a mental block. Like my mind has just shut down and won't wake up. I know there is so much swarming around in my head, wanting to get out. But it's like something has created this block inside my head and even I can't get through. It's even been hard for me to let the tears flow. Yet, as I write this about how I can't write, can't think, and can't cry anymore a tear has formed in the corner of my eye. But it won't fall. I clamp my eyes shut and force it to fall. Yet nothing comes of it. No over flow of emotions. No magnificent words to share. No solid thoughts. Even the feelings that I do know I have have been buried. I buried them as soon as I felt them beginning to surface. Not only can I not find solid grounding for myself lately but I know I couldn't find a solid home for love in my heart. I want it. I even know how exactly I want it. But I can't let it in. I can't let even a small piece of my heart begin to flutter with love. Because once one part of me begins to flutter, the rest of me will fly into a whirlwind tornado. I miss the feeling of love, I miss the feeling of security, of knowing what is going to happen next. I miss the fact that I could dream of "that day". But isn't this what I've been working towards? Isn't this the dream I've been wanting. To get out on my own? But that's just it. When you try to get out on your own, you tend to end up alone. I want someone to take this leap with me. I know I can do it alone. That's not a problem. The problem is I don't want to do this alone. I know twenty is still young but for me it's taken a lifetime to get here. (Yes, I realize it has indeed taken a lifetime-my lifetime-to get here) It just feels like it's been ages. I started being an adult when I was eight years old. I never looked back. I couldn't. I had a heart-broken dad to take care of. My brother, as much as he wouldn't admit it, was too heartbroken himself to handle it. Me, being the young, naive, unknowing one was left to take care of it all. I didn't know any better so how could I fall apart? I didn't know what exactly I was falling apart into. All I'd ever known was the life I'd blindly lived. I didn't know there was another way. Now I do. Now I know the pain that comes with the territory of loving someone. Now I know the pain of doing what is best for yourself, even if it involves heartbreak either on yourself or others involved. I also know that that is what life takes. Life takes pain. They say you can't have the rainbow without the storm, the happiness without the sadness. You know what, they say these things for a reason. Not because they're catchy sayings but because they're true. Pain can be masked by so many other things. Jealousy, anger, bitterness, rage, frustration, false happiness. Yet late at night, when the rest of the world has gone to sleep, the anger and frustration fade away. All that's left is the raw pain. And the tears. It turns out that even a good mask, or some unknown wall can't even hold back the tears. They can't hold back the emotions. The only thing that holds them back is the daylight.