Floating Thoughts

I came to the realization last night that I have nothing tying me down in one place. I have no reason to stay where I am. Sure, I have many great friends. But it’s been proven that our friendship can handle the distance. (And if it can’t handle the distance or anything else of the matter than the friendship isn’t as strong as I thought it was.) So this is also fueling my thoughts of change. This is pushing me to figure out what I need to do for myself. I found myself telling someone today that “I take care of myself”. Of course it was said in a joking manner and in regards to a different subject, but none the less, it is very true. I am the one who has to live with myself and my choices. So of course I need to do what is best for me. Now…just to figure that out…

Floating Thoughts

I came to the realization last night that I have nothing tying me down in one place. I have no reason to stay where I am. Sure, I have many great friends. But it’s been proven that our friendship can handle the distance. (And if it can’t handle the distance or anything else of the matter than the friendship isn’t as strong as I thought it was.) So this is also fueling my thoughts of change. This is pushing me to figure out what I need to do for myself. I found myself telling someone today that “I take care of myself”. Of course it was said in a joking manner and in regards to a different subject, but none the less, it is very true. I am the one who has to live with myself and my choices. So of course I need to do what is best for me. Now…just to figure that out…

Sweeping Thoughts

So…now I have a summer job. And it is a grueling one at that. Eight long hours a day to sleep and clean a plant. But the pay is decent and there’s plenty of people to occasionally talk to. Now, being an accident-prone human being, I have gained a few scratches and bruises of course but the thing that has gotten me is just how exhausted this job makes me. Three days in and my hands feel bruised, my feet can’t stop crying every time I stand on them and every muscle in my body aches. Yet, in some sort of odd way, it is kind of that good ache. It’s the physical exhaustion that makes it kind of easier to fall asleep at night. This job gives me plenty of time to think. Now, most of the time it is just random spurts of thoughts, nothing to right down about. But sometimes, it’s actual thoughts that possess my mind. Like thinking about the next three years. Thinking about where I’m destined to be. If I’m where I’m supposed to be. Or if maybe, just maybe, there is some sort of change that I need to complete. I’ve been feeling like this time in my life is just a big change filled with all these little changes that add up. And now, I feel as if maybe in the next year or so, I’ll be making another choice, another change. I’ll always wonder if I’m where I’m supposed to be in life, if I’m headed in the right direction. I know everything happens for a reason and I am always where I am supposed to be but I can’t help wondering about the right direction. Am I making the right choice? I know it will all work out how it is supposed to, how it is destined to. But I know that I make the choices. I live with the thoughts and consequences. (Still holding onto the fact that everything happens how it’s supposed to). I guess I just can’t help wishing I knew how it was all going to work out. But I know that would ruin the fun of thoughts and choices. So, tomorrow morning I will rise (somewhat) bright and early and I will head to the job that keeps my feet moving(all…day…long) and wonder what thoughts will occur next…Till then, time to find reason behind the thoughts…

Falling Dreamer

You know how hard it is to just be a “friend” when you don’t feel like you are just a “friend”. You know how hard it is to ignore the feelings that haunt your every move. You know how hard it is to push away these thoughts just to try to help you with your problems…maybe so somehow I’ll feel better myself. Or maybe so you’ll realize that I really haven’t gone anywhere. That I’m still here. That I’m not going anywhere, I couldn’t even if I tried. Maybe somewhere deep down in I’m hoping that you still do love me. I know it’ll never happen but…well I’ve always been a hopeless romantic. I’ve always been a dreamer. I sometimes say soaring dreamer but who am I fooling…I’m a falling dreamer. 

Falling Dreamer...Always

You know how hard it is to just be a “friend” when you don’t feel like you are just a “friend”. You know how hard it is to ignore the feelings that haunt your every move. You know how hard it is to push away these thoughts just to try to help you with your problems…maybe so somehow I’ll feel better myself. Or maybe so you’ll realize that I really haven’t gone anywhere. That I’m still here. That I’m not going anywhere, I couldn’t even if I tried. Maybe somewhere deep down in I’m hoping that you still do love me. I know it’ll never happen but…well I’ve always been a hopeless romantic. I’ve always been a dreamer. I sometimes say soaring dreamer but who am I fooling…I’m a falling dreamer.

Falling Dreamer

I’m not sure where to start. Maybe with the fact that I knew from the beginning you would be the one to break my heart. I knew you were the only one who had ever had the power to. I just didn’t know that when the time came, you would actually be gentle about it. And I still didn’t know it would hurt this bad for this long. I knew you’d find someone better. I always knew I wouldn’t be good enough. And now it’s confirmed. It’s obvious you want her over me. Part of me doesn’t understand. I’m willing to let it all pass. She isn’t. She’s not willing to let a “nothing” go. But it’s her you want. Not me. Her. And it honestly doesn’t surprise me. I mean I always knew I would be the one to lose. So why does it still hurt so bad. You’re still in my life. Just as a friend though. That’s all you’ll ever be. I’ll never get to tell you how I still love you. I’ll never get to hear you say that again. I’ll never get to look at you the way I’ve always wanted to. And I’ll never get that look back. It’s not just that you want her…it’s that you don’t want me anymore. I don’t even know if you ever did. I believe what you’ve told me. You swear you’ve never lied to me. And I believe you…I just can’t trust anyone right now. So, it’s all twisted. I don’t know if I should believe you but I know that that is what I want. I want to trust you, I want to continue to believe you. And I know that no matter what, I don’t want to lose you. Not even as a friend. I’ve known that I always wanted you in my life, one way or another. Sometimes, it doesn’t really hurt that much. Then suddenly, all I want to do it cry. All I want to do is be able to tell you all that I feel. But “friends” don’t feel the way I feel. Right now, I just want to find a way to get over you. To just be able to let all of this go. To move on, like I need to. I need to just be able to let you go the way that I know you. Teach myself how to know you as just a friend. But right now, I can’t.  Right now, everything reminds me of you. Nearly every song on the radio has some sort of lyric that reminds me of you. (The Fray, then Kelly Clarkson) “I want you to move on so I’m already gone.” There’s more from this song that reminds me but it’s almost as if this line is one you’re wanting to say me. You’ve already moved on. You’re already gone from that part of my life so now it’s just time for me to move on. Eventually I will, I know I will. Just like I know that everything happens for a reason. And I’m the understanding one anyway. You’ve always told me that. And I do understand. Just probably not in the way that you think I do. I understand that I’m not meant to have you in my life the way I want to. I understand that life goes on. I understand that everything happens for a reason and that I just have to live with it.

To Call Oneself A Friend, How?

I’m not sure where to start. Maybe with the fact that I knew from the beginning you would be the one to break my heart. I knew you were the only one who had ever had the power to. I just didn’t know that when the time came, you would actually be gentle about it. And I still didn’t know it would hurt this bad for this long. I knew you’d find someone better. I always knew I wouldn’t be good enough. And now it’s confirmed. It’s obvious you want her over me. Part of me doesn’t understand. I’m willing to let it all pass. She isn’t. She’s not willing to let a “nothing” go. But it’s her you want. Not me. Her. And it honestly doesn’t surprise me. I mean I always knew I would be the one to lose. So why does it still hurt so bad. You’re still in my life. Just as a friend though. That’s all you’ll ever be. I’ll never get to tell you how I still love you. I’ll never get to hear you say that again. I’ll never get to look at you the way I’ve always wanted to. And I’ll never get that look back. It’s not just that you want her…it’s that you don’t want me anymore. I don’t even know if you ever did. I believe what you’ve told me. You swear you’ve never lied to me. And I believe you…I just can’t trust anyone right now. So, it’s all twisted. I don’t know if I should believe you but I know that that is what I want. I want to trust you, I want to continue to believe you. And I know that no matter what, I don’t want to lose you. Not even as a friend. I’ve known that I always wanted you in my life, one way or another. Sometimes, it doesn’t really hurt that much. Then suddenly, all I want to do it cry. All I want to do is be able to tell you all that I feel. But “friends” don’t feel the way I feel. Right now, I just want to find a way to get over you. To just be able to let all of this go. To move on, like I need to. I need to just be able to let you go the way that I know you. Teach myself how to know you as just a friend. But right now, I can’t.  Right now, everything reminds me of you. Nearly every song on the radio has some sort of lyric that reminds me of you. (The Fray, then Kelly Clarkson) “I want you to move on so I’m already gone.” There’s more from this song that reminds me but it’s almost as if this line is one you’re wanting to say me. You’ve already moved on. You’re already gone from that part of my life so now it’s just time for me to move on. Eventually I will, I know I will. Just like I know that everything happens for a reason. And I’m the understanding one anyway. You’ve always told me that. And I do understand. Just probably not in the way that you think I do. I understand that I’m not meant to have you in my life the way I want to. I understand that life goes on. I understand that everything happens for a reason and that I just have to live with it. 

Insight of Who We Were...

It’s always a weird feeling, looking into the past…it’s almost as if I’m looking into someone else’s life. I remember all of this. (Well most of it.) I remember the feelings I had when I was writing those words, line after line. I remember wondering what my life would be like, years from then. I dreamt about my future(I still do). And it’s really weird to look back on it and remember those dreams and ponders. I mean, some of those dreams were about my life where I stand right now. Sure, I didn’t know which college I would be in(I know part of me wanted as far away as possible). But, it is still so…weird(only word that fits!) that some of those dreams I had did come true(like keeping in touch with some friends while going off and making new ones and making myself) while others just didn’t come through(like keeping all of my friends and some other dreams of course). But no matter what dreams came true and what dreams didn’t, I still find myself re-reading those lines and diving back into who I was all those years ago…

We spend so much of our life and time just trying to look forward. Trying to get ahead, even trying to get away from the past. We spend so much of our time trying to “find ourselves”. But the truth is, just looking at who you’ve been all these years is who you really are. There is no “finding ourselves.” We already are. We don’t need books or other people to tell us who we are. Music may be helpful in figuring some things out but it doesn’t tell us who we are or who we’ll be. It just helps us to understand better. Sure, we can relate to others and to the characters we see on television and movies. But that isn’t who we are. The past is the only true revealer of who we are. Not necessarily because of what happened or who we knew. But because all along, that has been us living our own life. It hasn’t been some stranger or alien put in our body from outerspace. It has been us, the same exact person from the beginning. So, no matter how much we change or try to get away from our past, that is and will always be who we are. We can’t run from it. We can’t hide it(well maybe to others but not from ourselves). Each moment that passes is also a part of who we are. What I wrote in the beginning of this is part of the past. And yet, it is still a part of who I am. I’m not running anymore from what has happened. I’m not denying the past. Sure, I’m still not willing to embrace it head on, but I’m also not going to run from the truth.

Road Runner

I'm the type of person who is continuously needing something to do. And I don't mean just a project but something that I am working towards or for. I just finished my freshman year of college(and celebrated by shopping with a friend) so now, I have a couple days to just relax(I move home tomorrow). Already, my mind is thinking about all the things I want to do this summer and beyond. I've been planning on getting a summer job. It is something that I really want and really need(college isn't cheap). It's a little crazy. I'm not really even giving myself the chance to just relax(I'm already kind of bored today). I'm so antsy just to get out there and get a job and earn some money and do something with myself. I mean yes, I am growing and learning and changing just with college(and it's all great) but summer isn't something that I just want to lay around wasting away. I want to do things, go places. I'm just the type of person who can't sit around for long. And lately, it's been getting worse. Not only am I wanting to get out and do things, I'm also wanting to stand up for myself and learn the truth. I'm ready to put myself out there and find things out for myself. I know that I've been saying I need to know the truth for a while now, but I've just been so scared to do anything about it. Now, I know that that was a mistake I've been making. So, slowly but surely, I need to start asking the questions. Getting the answers. Living my life, the crazy pace that it is.

A Lesson For The Lost One

Lately, a lot has happened. In the past year and especially in the past month. I knew this year would be one of change but I wasn't prepared for this much. I was eager for some change but some of it I did resist. In the past month, my life has felt nearly upside down. (Maybe even more than a month.) My life is continuously changing. I'm getting close to the end of my freshman year of college(who would'a thunk?) and summer is within sight(only a week!). It's bittersweet in several ways. Freshman year of college is a once in a lifetime thing. And it flew by. Sometimes I wish I could have taken more advantage of it but then again, the way it went is just how it was supposed to. Lately, I've been thinking a lot. About what I want to do once I graduate. Well, more like what I would really like to happen because we all know life does not always go according to our plan. I've also been thinking about a lot of what has changed. I have to say first, we always tend to drudge up the bad before the good. So that is where my mind goes first when I think of change. I have to admit (although I really haven't until now), I fell out of touch some(not a lot but enough to hurt) with someone who is the ultimate influence in my life. Here I am at this prestigious Christian college and of course what happens? I begin to feel this horrible strain on my relationship with God. It's terrible and I hate admitting it but it is the truth. And I have to admit the truth. But, with everything that has happened lately(as in the past couple weeks) I am feeling us growing closer. And this proves what I have always believed in. Everything happens for a reason. Yes, it hurts like hell, it hurts so unbelievably much, to know(not think anymore) that I am losing something. I'll never be over it. Never ever be over any of it. I don't lose people well in my life. Especially ones who have had an impact on my life. But right now, I  am coming to terms with it all. I know that right now, the best thing is space. The thing that I need most for myself is space from all of this(and there is much that I am talking about). I need to be able to clear my mind and let God lead me through his path. I know I have heard that some people will walk in and out of your life. I've just never handled the "walking out" part too well. And usually, it has happened over distance. This is so close. It is right here. But, I am still willing to let God do His will. It is hard on me but I feel like there is nothing else I can do on my own. Not right now. I did what I thought I needed for all of it. Now, I'm letting Him lead me through. I always believe that everything happens for a reason. And it is so true that when He closes one door, he opens another one first. He has put others in my life that have lightened it. That have made it easier on me. Made me feel less alone. Making friends(true, till the end friends) have been always difficult for me to make. I am a private person. I don't divulge well. But yet, I have been given this gift of others. Ones similar to me yet still different. They have made me happy again. For a while(and still) I have been finding it hard to keep a smile. This isn't exaggeration. This is simple truth. There is so much stress on me right now that that is all that I can see. This tunnel gets dimmer and dimmer for me everyday. Yet, when I look to my side, I see those with the lantern to light the way. This is how it's always gone for me. When I feel myself wandering down a dark path and it feels like my own light has blown, all I have to do is actually turn and I will see someone walking by my side either with their own light or a match to re-light mine. It's getting myself to turn my head to see this. I pride myself on being "independent" and "strong" even if I know I'm not. This is where I get myself into trouble. I am a stubborn, paranoid person. I'm too scared to even thinking of relying on someone else, leaning on them just to catch myself. Yet, we all need someone to pick us up sometimes. I stumble a lot. I fall many many times. Yet, I never want to ask for help. I always wait until it's too late. Instead of asking for someone to catch me before I fall, I don't look around for help until I have fallen so much I can't get up anymore on my own. This is what I do. This is how I am. Yet, I am learning. I am learning that sometimes it is okay to lean on someone, to let go sometimes. I desire to be carefree, trusting. Yet, I struggle. I struggle so much that sometimes it has been hard for me to trust my creator. I want to have sole control of myself because I don't trust anyone else. Yet, He is not just anyone else. Without Him, there wouldn't be a me so it isn't even logical for me to think I am the only one in control of my life. Yes, I do hold control. But only momentary control. He holds forever control. This is my lesson to myself: I know I cannot trust others well, I know I am hurting and losing and changing. I know I am scared(beyond belief). I know things are not what I imagined right now. I know I have problems. But I also know that through the darkness, through all the stumbles and falls, through everything bad and everything at all, I have so much to live for. No matter what happens, someone always steps in and saves me when it is getting too tough for me to handle on my own. So, no matter the questions or doubt or terror I have, He has His reasons. He is in control, yet he let's me make my own path. He let's me learn from my own mistakes. I couldn't ask for anything more. Everything happens for a reason...

"Just Another Forward"...Or Maybe Not...

One day, when I was a freshman in high school,
I saw a kid from my class was walking home from school.  
His name was Kyle.
It looked like he was carrying all of his books.
I thought to myself, 'Why would anyone bring home all his books on a Friday?
He must really be a nerd.'
I had quite a weekend planned (parties and a football game with my friends tomorrow afternoon), so I shrugged my shoulders and went on.
As I was walking, I saw a bunch of kids running toward him.
They ran at him, knocking all his books out of his arms and tripping him so he landed in the dirt.
His glasses went flying, and I saw them land in the grass about ten feet from him...
He looked up and I saw this terrible sadness in his eyes
My heart went out to him. So, I jogged over to him as he crawled around looking for his glasses, and I saw a tear in his eye.
As I handed him his glasses, I said, 'Those guys are jerks.'
They really should get lives.
' He looked at me and said, 'Hey thanks!'
There was a big smile on his face.
It was one of those smiles that showed real gratitude.
I helped him pick up his books, and asked him where he lived.
As it turned out, he lived near me, so I asked him why I had never seen him before..
He said he had gone to private school before now.
I would have never hung out with a private school kid before.
We talked all the way home, and I carried some of his books.
He turned out to be a pretty cool kid.
I asked him if he wanted to play a little football with my friends
He said yes.
We hung out all weekend and the more I got to know Kyle, the more I liked him, and my friends thought the same of him.
Monday morning came, and there was Kyle with the huge stack of books again.
I stopped him and said, 'Boy, you are gonna really build some serious muscles with this pile of books everyday!
' He just laughed and handed me half the books.
Over the next four years, Kyle and I became best friends..
When we were seniors we began to think about college.
Kyle decided on Georgetown and I was going to Duke.
I knew that we would always be friends, that the miles would never
be a problem.
He was going to be a doctor and I was going for business on a football scholarship..
Kyle was valedictorian of our class.
I teased him all the time about being a nerd.
He had to prepare a speech for graduation.
I was so glad it wasn't me having to get up there and speak
Graduation day, I saw Kyle.
He looked great.
He was one of those guys that really found himself during high school...
He filled out and actually looked good in glasses.
He had more dates than I had and all the girls loved him.
Boy, sometimes I was jealous!
Today was one of those days.
I could see that he was nervous about his speech.
So, I smacked him on the back and said, 'Hey, big guy, you'll be great!'
He looked at me with one of those looks (the really grateful one) and smiled.
' Thanks,' he said.
As he started his speech, he cleared his throat, and began
'Graduation is a time to thank those who helped you make it through those tough years.
Your parents, your teachers, your siblings, maybe a coach...but mostly your friends.....
I am here to tell all of you that being a friend to someone is the best gift you can give them.
I am going to tell you a story.'
I just looked at my friend with disbelief as he told the
first day we met.
He had planned to kill himself over the weekend.
He talked of how he had cleaned out his locker so his Mom wouldn't have to do it later and was carrying his stuff home.
He looked hard at me and gave me a little smile.
'Thankfully, I was saved.
My friend saved me from doing the unspeakable...'
I heard the gasp go through the crowd as this handsome, popular boy told us all about his weakest moment.
I saw his Mom and dad looking at me and smiling that same grateful smile.
Not until that moment did I realize it's depth.
Never underestimate the power of your actions..
With one small gesture you can change a person's life.
For better or for worse......
God puts us all in each others lives to impact one another in some way.
Look for God in others.

A Fine Frenzy~Elements

You show up like a hurricane, all hungry-eyed and weather-stained
The clock forgets to tick and I the same

I died the day you disappeared, so why would you be welcome here?
Ride the wind that brought you back away

No you can't come in
No you can't come in

I cannot stop my rebel hands from pulling out the pots and pans
I left you in the cold until you shook

You're gentle now, but I recall
Both tender fire and bitter squall
A history so deep it hurts to look

No you can't come in
No you can't come in
No you can't
You can't come in

If the sea should swallow up my house
I will turn my rooftop inside out and the wind will be wailing
But I will be sailing faster

Oh the elements I do not fear but I fall apart when you appear
Cos you are the greatest
The greatest disaster

If the sea should swallow up my house
I will turn my rooftop inside out and the wind will be wailing
But I will be sailing faster