Someday Without Settle

I'm taking life one day at a time. Some days, it hurts like hell. But some days, it's the best ride ever. I've learned to not let myself settle. This doesn't mean to "not let myself fall for something" but means to go for what I want and not give up. I know I deserve good things. I am a good person. I know what I want. And while it may not seem like I can get that today, someday, I will.

Hurricane's Wind

It's true. I want to get married. I want to settle down. I want that family. But right now, my entire life and future are up in the air. I don't know where I'm going in life. I can't even begin to think about trying to drag anyone along with me. In a way, I have what I want. I found what I want. And it's at a great stage right now. It's in perfection. Yet, I can't help hope for more. Yet, I know that everything is up in the air. Everything is like a hurricane's wind.

Preoccupied

Today is supposed to be a good day. It's supposed to be a day where I get to see someone I haven't seen in over a year and meet someone new to hang out with and possibly become close friends with. Yet, only one thought is flowing through my mind. You. You're the one person I want to talk to about what's going through my mind yet, I'm afraid to say anything because it's about you. I'm afraid that if I said anything it could jeopardize out friendship. Yet, I don't want to go into something else today with a preoccupied mind and possibly ruin what is supposed to be a good day. I want the courage to tell you and not fear you running scared. You don't seem like the type to run. In fact, you're so much like me and I'm not a runner, yet, you're already preoccupied elsewhere as well...

I was fine...

I was doing just fine with how things were going until I found out that that was the only way they would be. Now I'm stuck in this invisible position. I'm the one you come to when your nights are rough, yet you can't see me. I'm only that shoulder to lean on and let things out to. That's all. And it's been made very clear that that's all I'll be. I was fine with being that until I found out that's all I would be. I tried to stop my heart from leaping. I tried to keep my head from hoping. But it was hopeless. I couldn't help but think that more was down the road. Now I'm at this dead end. And it's a nice and beautiful place because you are still here. You are still my friend. Yet, I wish we could walk past the dead end and you could see more than the invisible me, and truly see me for more. See me for the one that will be here when no one else is. That will make sure everything is okay and will be okay. That will save you when you need it.

Dead End Meadow

I was doing just fine with how things were going until I found out that that was the only way they would be. Now I'm stuck in this invisible position. I'm the one you come to when your nights are rough, yet you can't see me. I'm only that shoulder to lean on and let things out to. That's all. And it's been made very clear that that's all I'll be. I was fine with being that until I found out that's all I would be. I tried to stop my heart from leaping. I tried to keep my head from hoping. But it was hopeless. I couldn't help but think that more was down the road. Now I'm at this dead end. And it's a nice and beautiful place because you are still here. You are still my friend. Yet, I wish we could walk past the dead end and you could see more than the invisible me, and truly see me for more. See me for the one that will be here when no one else is. That will make sure everything is okay and will be okay. That will save you when you need it.

Stolen Moment

We all want something to claim to, something to cling to. We search for something that we can call ours. Sometimes we even pull it out from other, just for that something that we can keep. Sadly though, this is a game that never ends. Everyone is always looking, finding, grabbing, and clinging...as though everything depended on that one stolen moment...

Shameless Anticipation.

The world is a battlefield and I'm finding it harder and harder every day to win a battle or even get ahead. It strive to get farther. I strive to go beyond what I have. I'm trying to make it in a world where raw talent is what should matter but I'm slowly finding out that some people will turn their back on you even if they've made you promises. I'm learning that promises don't mean a thing when someone even slightly better comes along. Those compliments or simple phrases float away on wisps of air that can't be seen. They never come back. They just disappear. I'm learning that the only thing I can rely on is fighting for myself. It's a shameless anticipation for getting ahead. I've got that. I've got the desire and anticipation for getting more than I have now. And I hold no shame for the world is a battlefield and I'm starting at the back.

I Draw The Line

I draw the line when there's no turning back. Once I've taken that step over the barrier between one world and another, I feel this change. Almost like the air has changed direction. I draw the line when I know I can't go back to where I was, when I know I can't reverse my feelings or thoughts and become innocent in them again. I draw the line when I know that innocence is lost, when I know that experience is all I can hold onto, and all I can move towards. I draw the line when that's the only path to take...

Progression

So today was a good day. No, nothing special happened. I didn't go anywhere other than to my two Tuesday classes. But it was a good day, despite the painful stomach cramps. Knowing that I'm going somewhere, even if not quite at this moment, is making each day a bit brighter. It almost sounds cliche to say, but this has how it's always been for me. If I felt like I was in a mindless, spinning rut, I wasn't happy. Yet, the moment I knew I was headed somewhere and that things were progressing in my life, I had a joy that could only be killed by that rut. Right now, I know that things will change in a couple months. It's a change I have chosen. One way or another it will happen. I'm just slowly taking the steps to get there and appreciating each day for the step that it is.

Each Day Into The Future

I've never been the type that could walk up to a stranger and introduce myself. I've never been the type to ask people how they were doing. I'm shy. I'm introverted. And I'm not a small talker. Yet, this causes problems. Problems that used to rule my life and make it difficult for me to go day to day because I was constantly thinking that something was wrong with me. That I wasn't good enough and people didn't want to get to know me. And sure, I know I probably put off a vibe that says I don't want to be bothered. Yet, I have learned several things recently. I don't need to push myself into territory that I don't feel comfortable in. And forcing myself to try to be friends with people that I don't have anything in common with is doing more damage than being shy has. I've recently made a decision. I've battled on and off for years with being unhappy and depressed. Yet I couldn't really change the circumstances at those times. Now, I've suffered again. The difference is it's being taken care of. Not only is in internally being taken care of but also externally. It may seem like I'm running away but I'm not. I have several reasons for my decision. One of them just so happens to be that I feel a fresh start will do me good. A chance to actually start new like I have wanted to but never actually let myself do. This time, I will do it right. And this time, I won't let myself fall backwards. Each day is a new day. Each day I learn something new and mature a bit more. Each day I begin to make better decisions for myself.

Facing My Own And Moving Past

You think I'm running. You think I'm running away. Yet the truth is I'm just trying to move forward. I'm trying to get to the next stage in my life without falling one more time. It's a battle for happiness. And not just a genuine smile for a few hours every now and then or a pleasant conversation once a week. It's about getting to the point where I don't rely on something else to get me through the say. Running away? No. Running away is for those not wanting to face their own problems. I've thought it through. I've faced my problems. Now I'm taking care of them. I said I wanted a fresh start two years ago. But I didn't give myself that. That's my fault. Now I'm taking this opportunity that has been put in front of me and I'm taking it. One way or another, I'm moving forward.

Curves and Road Blocks

...So there are a lot of curves and road blocks in life. i've experienced many. but i've made it through them all. i've seen many of my friends fall many times and each and every time it breaks my heart-literally- my friends are my life. i would do anything for them and never expect them to do anything in return. i love them because they are amazing and deserve everything. yeah, i have problems-even with my friends- but don't we all. thats what makes life interesting. no i don't like drama but its there and we just need to get used to it. just don't obsess over it. let it go. live for the moment. so what if it bothers you. let it bother you so that you can let it go and move on. there is too much in life to enjoy to worry about everything. and thats coming from someone who worries and stresses about everything possible. and thats no lie. but i've learned that. and i've learned that life is amazing no matter how many bad days you have. there will always be a rainbow at the end of any storm. just find it. and if you can't, im always here to lend a hand....no matter what im here. and i don't lie. or fake. i live. 

See What You Believe

 I want to be that positive, optimistic dreamer. I want to soar for the clouds and never look back. I want to reach and never fall. I want more than I can have. Each day, I find a new way to cope, a new thing to believe it. Each day, I find myself one step closer to believing in more than I have, sometimes believing in too much. But I will never stop believing. Hope is for those who can't help but dream of a day when believing truly becomes seeing.

See What You Believe

 I want to be that positive, optimistic dreamer. I want to soar for the clouds and never look back. I want to reach and never fall. I want more than I can have. Each day, I find a new way to cope, a new thing to believe it. Each day, I find myself one step closer to believing in more than I have, sometimes believing in too much. But I will never stop believing. Hope is for those who can't help but dream of a day when believing truly becomes seeing.

Unappreciation

I know it's not right to complain about what I don't have but lately, I'm seeing it more and more. Every time I log onto Facebook lately, I see people complaining. One minute they love this person with their whole heart, the next they hate them. Back and forth. Others complain about how they're bored and/or lonely and just want someone to talk to. Yet, they don't seem to make the effort to actually reach out to their friends. Yet, then they begin to complain about how none of their friends want to talk to them and how they thought their friends were true friends and yet their fake friends. People are continuously pushing others away. Pushing people and opportunities away and then complaining about not having things. Yet, they don't seem to realize that they have more than they realize and that if they hadn't pushed things away and let themselves think they had nothing, they wouldn't be complaining. I know I'm not perfect. I know I've done this myself. But I'm taking the fall. I don't talk to some of my friends like I want to because I'm not good at keeping contact. I get stressed easily. I have anxiety problems. It's not an excuse, I just have to learn to cope with things better. Yet, I still see others not coping. And they don't have anxiety problems. I see others who get basically free rides to college wasting time and acting like they deserve everything for being there. Sure, I know they probably aren't thinking that. But it's hard for me not to think that when I'm struggling to pay for a college I don't even like most of the time with money that I don't even have. I'm struggling to make it farther each day in this world, in this life I'm living even though I can't get any farther. I'm becoming claustrophobic. I'm walled in by things out of my control. My dream is hard to reach. I don't have money to even pay for college, much less throw around on frequent trips out to eat. Yet, sometimes all I desire is to take an evening off from all the stresses of classes I don't feel I need and go somewhere with a friend, and yes, spend some money. I'd give anything for a car and a real job right now. Yet I can't. I'm walled in. So please, all I'm asking is to appreciate what you have. Because those who don't have it would give anything for it. And you gladly throw it around like it's nothing. You have college paid for. You have easy access to the job you want in the future. You can drive yourself to Taco Bell and Wal-Mart at anytime you please. You have friends who stick close by at all times, begging to be a part of your life. You have people pining after you, wanting to be with you. Appreciate that.

To Call Oneself A Friend, How?

I’m not sure where to start. Maybe with the fact that I knew from the beginning you would be the one to break my heart. I knew you were the only one who had ever had the power to. I just didn’t know that when the time came, you would actually be gentle about it. And I still didn’t know it would hurt this bad for this long. I knew you’d find someone better. I always knew I wouldn’t be good enough. And now it’s confirmed. It’s obvious you want her over me. Part of me doesn’t understand. I’m willing to let it all pass. She isn’t. She’s not willing to let a “nothing” go. But it’s her you want. Not me. Her. And it honestly doesn’t surprise me. I mean I always knew I would be the one to lose. So why does it still hurt so bad. You’re still in my life. Just as a friend though. That’s all you’ll ever be. I’ll never get to tell you how I still love you. I’ll never get to hear you say that again. I’ll never get to look at you the way I’ve always wanted to. And I’ll never get that look back. It’s not just that you want her…it’s that you don’t want me anymore. I don’t even know if you ever did. I believe what you’ve told me. You swear you’ve never lied to me. And I believe you…I just can’t trust anyone right now. So, it’s all twisted. I don’t know if I should believe you but I know that that is what I want. I want to trust you, I want to continue to believe you. And I know that no matter what, I don’t want to lose you. Not even as a friend. I’ve known that I always wanted you in my life, one way or another. Sometimes, it doesn’t really hurt that much. Then suddenly, all I want to do it cry. All I want to do is be able to tell you all that I feel. But “friends” don’t feel the way I feel. Right now, I just want to find a way to get over you. To just be able to let all of this go. To move on, like I need to. I need to just be able to let you go the way that I know you. Teach myself how to know you as just a friend. But right now, I can’t.  Right now, everything reminds me of you. Nearly every song on the radio has some sort of lyric that reminds me of you. (The Fray, then Kelly Clarkson) “I want you to move on so I’m already gone.” There’s more from this song that reminds me but it’s almost as if this line is one you’re wanting to say me. You’ve already moved on. You’re already gone from that part of my life so now it’s just time for me to move on. Eventually I will, I know I will. Just like I know that everything happens for a reason. And I’m the understanding one anyway. You’ve always told me that. And I do understand. Just probably not in the way that you think I do. I understand that I’m not meant to have you in my life the way I want to. I understand that life goes on. I understand that everything happens for a reason and that I just have to live with it.