In Between

Sometimes, I can't wait until I actually get out into the real world. Full time job. Place of my own. My own food to cook and eat. Working on my own time schedule instead of someone else's. It's a great feeling knowing I'm working towards that. Yet, I'm still stuck here, waiting until that day. But is it really so bad to wait until then? To just take it day by day and take what I have now and appreciate it? Not. It's exactly how I should think of it. Sure, it's going to be great when I have my own "life" to live. Yet, right now, I've just got to live with what I have.

How can you ever judge how someone feels about their life? How can you know whether they are happy or sad? Tears and smiles can be deceiving

Dreaming Thoughts

Thoughts are never meant to be analyzed or over justified. Thoughts are just meant to be. They have meaning behind them. There is real meaning to them. But they nearly never occur in a perfect pattern. It's when we begin thinking about them that we go in depth. We just have to be careful not to look at them too deeply. Dreams play into this. We have dreams all the time. We don't always remember them and even less often do we understand them. Lately, I've been having a wide array of dreams. They certainly don't all make sense. Some are just really odd. (These dreams are some of the reason that some people think I may have anxiety issues.) Yet last night, I had one that I really don't know what to think of it. I want it to come true to a degree. Yet, not in the sense that it was last night. Also, I'm not sure exactly what this dreams mean. I always believe there is a reason we have our dreams. There is some sort of meaning behind them. No, not always some huge symbolic meaning. But just something, some reasoning behind them. The mind doesn't shut off. Even once we've drifted off into sleep, our subconscious is still thinking away. I know that I have thought some about the subject I dreamed about but it still really caught me by surprise. I believe what got me most was how I felt. My emotions throughout. I was happy. Usually, whenever I do think about this subject, I get scared. Scared for different reasons and it doesn't take over completely how I feel. The fear is only a small part but it is always there when I consciously think about it. Yet, last night, there was only one emotion. Happiness. I was happy. It just caught me by surprise.

Escape.

Some days(wait, correction, most days) I can't help but think about how much I wish I had my own car. And not just because I want one. But because I have found so many instances where I have needed one. Like today. If I had my own car, I'd just get in it and be gone. I'd leave for a couple hours and only come back for work tonight. But no. Instead, I have to rely and wait on someone else to hopefully be either willing to take me somewhere or have to go there themselves. I don't rely on others well. In fact, I can't rely on others. It upsets me. I just want the ability to escape on my own and not have to worry about anyone else.

It's interesting...

It's interesting to hear other people's point of view. It's interesting to see how they react to the same exact thing. How something so personal for both sides can be construed into something completely opposite for both. It's hard to take ourselves out of our own vision of things and to try to see it another person's way. Yet, sometimes, by even stepping out of our own shoes, we can find that maybe things were meant to be seen from the way we have always seen it. It's interesting...

Let's Hope I Don't Walk Away Alone

I just watched Love On The Side. Now, this movie may come off as a bit odd but the story line is great. Now, I'm not saying I would love for this exact thing to happen to me but it did get me thinking a few things. One thing I thought was "I'm going to leave when you decide you finally want me". Now, this isn't saying I'm going to walk away when someone finally wants me, it's saying that it seems like the turn of events could happen that way. I'm not planning on staying in one place. What if by some magical chance, someone decides they want to be with me after my bags have already been packed? And especially if this is someone I want as well. Honestly, I can only hope that maybe they wouldn't be willing to give me up so easily. I can honestly only hope I'm not willing to give up my dream either...

Life...Not As We Know It...

How can we ever get used to losing something we once always knew. It's simply too crazy how we can know something so well, always have it there by our side, then bam. One day it's just gone. I can never get used to that. It's been seven or eight years since I lost my grandpa and I'm still not used to him being gone. I still wait to see him. I still think that maybe, just maybe, he's going to be sitting there on his deck chair, drinking a beer and watching the birds. But he's not. And it's sad. It's hard. And I'll never get used to him being gone. It's the same for old high school classmates that either never got to graduate or see much of life beyond high school. I feel like I'm going to walk into my high school reunion and there they are. They'll be standing there among everyone else. But they won't be. And I'm not used to that. I can't accept that. My grandmother's funeral is tomorrow morning. I'm not going to be there. I have too many obligations that I couldn't get out of. It's sad. I just know that tomorrow morning is going to hit everyone, including me. It's going to...suck. There is no other way to put it. Life just...its so unexpected. There are so many curves and unexpected turns. No one ever gets used to it. Once one thing gets comfortable, something new gets thrown in. We never know what is going to happen. It's terrifying. It's scary and exciting all at the same time. I want to live life to the fullest. I never want to miss a beat because if I miss one beat, I could miss my entire life. Death scares me beyond belief. I just want my life to be worth my death in the end...

"You"

I have a lot of thoughts. They take me from place to place and emotion to emotion. Some days, I have more hope and confidence than I ever thought possible. And some days, I just have to let myself think and reflect. It's a tough process, making my way through it all. It's not easy. It's not easy to turn your back to one thing and never look back. Sure, I've moved to a whole new state of mind. But there are still pieces of that old place. I take glances every now and then at what used to be. I still think about it. I think about how you treated me. I think about how I treated me. I think about how I looked at life. I thought I had a clear outlook and perspective. Then I realized I was clouded. Now, I feel that it is a bit more accurate and better but I also realize I will never have a clear outlook on life. Not the present, never the future, and not even a complete understanding of the past. I wonder continuously about the unknown. I wonder continuously about what you were thinking, about what you are thinking. I wonder about the questions I have never found the answers to. I wonder about the truths and the lies. I never stop wondering. And sometimes, this gets me down. It's not that it actually makes me sad, but I just get so wrapped up in the thoughts that it's hard to find my way back to reality. I get lost in dreams and in hopes. I get lost thinking about you. Wondering if you're thinking of me. Wondering what you think of me. Will we always be just friends? We we even stay friends. We we move forward or will I lose you. Have I ever had you? Have I ever had me, in a clear understanding. When I look in the past, I see how you, and you, and so many of you, treated me. I see how you treated me good. How you treated me like I wasn't worth a thing, how you used me. I see how you pushed your way back into my life when I so carelessly blinded myself and how you cared for me. Then I look at what I have now. I see how you, the one who ruined me, are no longer in my life. And I see how you, who cared for me and picked me back up, are the rock I lean upon. And I see you, someone I want to carry into my future in at least one way. Which brings me to the unforseeable future. It's best this way really. Yet all I can do is hope that you, the sweet good one, is still there, strong beside me and you, the undeniably hurtful one, is lost among the shadows. I don't know where life is going to take me. I won't know until I get there. But I plan to fight my way there. I will not lose the battle that I have earned the right to wage in. I'm still stronger than I've ever been. I'm a person I love now, to the bottoms of my soul. I'm a happy heart. I am me. And "me" is who I will always be....