Changing Thoughts

So lately I’ve been thinking about the fact that I haven’t been thinking as much. I know, I know. This sounds impossible. I mean, who thinks about the fact that they haven’t been thinking? That right there shows that one has been thinking. But, this is true. I have indeed not been thinking as much. And by thinking I mean the deep, meaningful, thoughtful thinking. Not the random, in one ear and out the other thoughts that you forget as soon as it’s gone. I mean, I figured “hey, now that I have a job like this, I’ll be able to think more and maybe figure some stories out, figure some ‘life things’ out, and whatnot”. Yet, truth be told, I’m not sure what I’m thinking most of the time when I’m shoveling dust around with a 36 inch dust mop or folding gigantic pieces of cardboard into the object called the baler. There are moments that I’ll even stop moving and think, “what the heck have I been thinking about these past three hours?” Yet nothing of substance really seemed to come to mind. Yet, for some reason, I feel as though maybe I’ve been thinking a little more this week. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I had three days worth of “makeover”. Okay, not really that drastic. But, I did make some substantial changes. I used to have long hair halfway down my back. Now, it nearly escapes my shoulders. And it used to be a light-ish, weird-ish, brown-ish, color. Now, it’s burgundy and black. Also, there is this little gem looking thing “stuck” to the side of my nose that is a little interesting in my peripheral vision. These are all changes that I have been waiting to make for months now. They felt…necessary for me to make. They felt as if, because of the change that has happened to me, I needed to create a change with me. And so far, it has helped. Granted, it is only a couple days into the “new look”, but I still feel different. There does seem to be a bit of an esteem boost. And I see myself happier with the way I look. And this creates thoughts. This creates the “if all these changes keep occurring to me and if I can change how I look, maybe I can create some other changes in me.” This gives me some hope to finally gaining the sense of “lost-ness” I keep feeling. The sense of, “where do I belong in this huge, looming world?” I mean, as I’ve known for a long time, not all the answers are available yet and not everything makes sense right now. But there does seem to be this sense of being lost. I don’t know where I belong, or that I belong. I don’t know where I’ll end up. I just know that I feel like this isn’t where it is. “This” being so many different things. I mean, I have so many hopes for the future(far and near) and so many dreams. I have wishes pouring from my heart and begging to come true. Yet, they don’t seem to be. I get scared easily. And I also get paranoid, and lonely a lot faster that I feel that I should. Yet, I can’t help this. And the more I worry about the fact that I worry too much, the more that I worry. Which is all confusing in itself and doesn’t help the matter much. I also notice that lately, I seem to be putting hope in more farfetched ideas. This is where the “thinking” part comes in. I’ve noticed that lately, my thinking goes further away from the “safe boundaries” I set up for myself(in hopes of not getting my hopes dashed so often). I don’t know why this is. Maybe I’m getting tired of the normal, safe thoughts I always had. Or maybe I’m just getting tired of the way things are right now. I believe it is both. Yet, while I know that I can indeed help create some change in this chaotic mess, I have learned there are many, many things that I cannot change. Either they flow they way they are meant to, or they are stuck in the groove they’ve been in. All I can hope for is that maybe something will come of my thoughts…

Tug Of War

Lately it seems like a struggle to stay happy. Sure, I want to be happy. But for some reason I can’t just be happy. It’s not something I can just command. It’s a constant battle. One thing makes me happy, keeps me smiling for several hours and even randomly when I remember it. Then one little thing can sweep it all out from under me and it takes twice the effort just to smile. It’s true, it’s hard for me to find a place where I am happy. I work all week long where sometimes, the days are good and some days, I can’t wait to leave there fast enough. Then I come home, exhausted and sore and ready to collapse. And sometimes I do just that. I collapse and nothing happens for the rest of the day. I sleep and numbly watch tv then go right back to sleep. Yet, I never feel refreshed lately. The only times I feel alive is when I’m out. When I’m around those close to me. When I’m doing just about whatever to pass the time with others. Yet, I cannot always go out. I cannot spend all my time with others. As much as it helps me, I still have to come home and sleep and relax some. Then there’s the tension. The unhappiness in the air. The struggle to keep the peace. That’s a battle I always seem to be losing lately. It tears me apart. I try and try to make things better, to make people happier and instead, I go to sleep with a heavy heart. I ache for a better day the next day. I ache for even just one joke or nice word from someone passing by. I thrive on these. Mostly because for some reason lately, I feel like I’m failing. The one thing I’ve always tried to do(make other people happy) just doesn’t seem to be working anymore. And well, that makes it hard to be happy myself. I know, I know, I’m not supposed to just thrive on others and others can’t make me truly happy. That’s not what I’m doing here. I’m just simply trying to thrive on others. I’m trying to survive on my own. I’m trying to take the good things about myself and make them better, bring them out and show myself that I’m a good person. Yet, the good things about myself never seem to be good enough to satisfy. This opens an entirely new area of hidden thoughts. Even hidden to myself sometimes. I know that I’ve had my issues to over come in the past. And I’ve overcome them. Yet, sometimes I don’t overcome them so much as shove them into a deep dark corner of my mind that I bury with happy thoughts and laughter. The only time they get drudged up are when I don’t have the happy thoughts and laughter to keep them buried. And when there seems to be so much sadness that it reminds me that I’m burying things myself. I’m running from myself every time I reach for that door handle. I’m ignoring myself every time I laugh at memories. Yet sometimes, I do need to run and ignore. Because these daunting thoughts aren’t always true. Many times, they are cruel ways of making myself think I’m not good enough even though I know I am. It’s a sick and twisted road to happiness. Those who find their way to true smiles have been through their share of tears and pain. Once we make it to the end, we know what that smile really feels like. And we know we’ve earned it.