Heart Ache

My heart aches every time I see another photographer's work, some great photo, or read an amazing book. My heart aches because this is what I want. It's not like I want to be famous. I just want to be an amazing photographer and writer. I want to create beautiful photos. I want my breath taken away when I look at something I did. I want to learn. And excel. And just be great at this. I have this undying passion that I want to grasp and run with. I want to get out there. Put myself out there. My heart seriously aches for needing to get out there and do something with my life. Something I am passionate for. Something that resembles me and proves that yes, all these years have added up to something. That I have worked and succeeded. I'm tired of going in this endless rut of feeling like I'm not going anywhere. I look at the photos I've done in the past year. Yes, I have improved. Yes, I am learning. But I don't feel like I'm going anywhere with it right now. I just want to get out there. I need to get out there. I'm afraid that if I don't grasp it and take photography full on, I'll lose some of my passion, and my drive for it. I can't lose it. I've never felt such a pull towards something. This is what I need to do with my life. I feel like that huge life question has been answered for me and I just want to fulfill it. I need to...

Where Am I Going?

I'm the type of person who likes to know the answers. Not only to my questions but to everyone else's too. I get this feeling of accomplishment when I give the right answer or good advice.
I also like to also have a plan. I like to know what is going to happen and when. I like things to be organized and set out.
I'm not sure why I am the way I am. I have theories but I'm not going into those right now. What I have been thinking about is that fact that all my (18 years of) life, I've been guided and helped along the path. I've gone through school, made it out(and decently I may add). I made it into college with help and pursuit of my own. That was all laid out for me in a way. Sure, I could have skipped college and tried to fight my way into a half decent job but that wasn't in the plan that was laid out for me(mostly by myself). Anywho, my point is, everything has been laid out up until now. The answer has always been there, waiting for me to approach it. Now, I'm waiting for the answer to approach me.
Where do I go from here? I have three more years of college. Then what? Sure, go out get a job(or a career I hope) and a place of my own. Easier said than done. There's always been some sort of path laid out. I've always known where I going(at least partially). And I have an idea of what I want to happen with my life. I've had little dreams. But I'm still not sure what is going to happen. Now I'm sure this is normal but I can't help wanting to know things like this.
So, I don't believe it is coincidence that New York City keeps crossing my mind in a variety of ways. I've had on and off again dreams of going there, living there. It was a "plan" of sorts for a while then I went back to being completely unsure. Now, it keeps finding it's way back into my thoughts. I mean, with what I want to do with my life, I need to get somewhere. Small towns will in no way get me where I need to go. And I am a city girl at heart. The adrenaline and life of NYC just excites me. I am pretty sure that I will be visiting there in the next couple of years(for a class). I think that that will help me figure things out better.
I can't help who I am...Someone who likes plans, likes answers, and likes going places.

Gray

It's torn, these feelings I have. I find myself waiting for the next message, reading each and every word time and time again, smiling, laughing, loving every word you say. I can't wait for the time you speak of. I wish for it more than most other things. I dream of it. It makes me happy. Brightens my day.
Yet, there' this other side. This deep sadness that burrows it's way in. The one that starts when those "new messages" aren't from you. And it grows deeper as time goes on. Each time you say when the time comes, I feel a surge of hope then a plummet of sadness. Sadness over the fact that I have to wait, that I don't know how long I have to wait, wondering if "that time" will ever even come...I can't help this sadness. I can't help the tears that form through the smile I wear. I can't help the thoughts that try to shove their way into my mind. I push them as far away as possible. I refuse to even allow myself to think of you for one moment because I'm afraid that it's one moment too much and my heart with grow another ache.
Yet I can't help myself to hope. And to wait for your messages. They're what I look forward to most these days.  I'm afraid I've fooled myself when I said that I was okay. And that I can handle this, and the way things are right now. But right now, I'm finding myself wishing for one end or another. This gray wall is becoming fuzzier as the time goes on...

Rant Session

I just read that a young girl committed suicide because of cyber bullies. Now yesterday I happened to catch some news and all I heard was about these boys beating up girls. All I can think is that this generation really is getting flushed down the toilet. I mean, I'm all for being optimistic and saying we could possibly pull one of the greatest presidents out of this messy array of people. But the other side of the coin is simply the fact that life in America is going downhill. We don't want to accept it(those of us that belong to this generation) because we don't want it to be true. And those from older generations are always pointing it out. Now, I do know someone that has been a great influence on me that always believed in this generation more than anyone I knew even in this generation. That gives me hope. So don't get me wrong, I'm not saying we're 100% doomed to fail and the world is going to fall apart and everyone is going to abandon America and it'll be the new Atlantis but one that no one even wants to try to find...(see, rant session). Anywho...America(and I'm just using us as an example because I know other countries are suffering too) needs help. In countless ways. I mean seriously! Everyone says we're the greatest country ever. Everyone's dying to get here. But, what's going to become of this country if things keep going down the path they are? People are getting more and more creative in their violent ways. (Now, I know I need to do some hardcore researching before I go making my opinions sound like facts so just take it as my observational point of view.) Yes, more violence is being portrayed in entertainment but don't begin to blame movies or video games. After all, who makes them? Huh? They didn't just appear out of dirt! Someone made them. As in a human being. As in now... we have to look at the true cause for why the "great life" is circling the toilet bowl. People are letting it get this bad then turning their heads, saying shame on the "entertainment industry" or whoever the hell they're deciding to blame for it and not doing a single thing about it! They say it's all hopeless. That our generation is just crap and we've ruined it all. Nothing happens over night. We've had serious looming problems for years and years and no one  seems to want to do a damn thing about it. Sure, it's hard. And I don't think just one person can fix it. In fact, I'm afraid we're so screwed that there is no fixing it. But seriously, there has got to be a way lessen the damage. Or what are our kids going to be born into? I'm not even completely sure what I'm ranting about. I just know I'm fed up. I'm fed up with the way people act. They way they think. Or lack of thinking. Now there is another topic. And I think that has a lot to do with it. Americans pride themselves on being the best and most "open" country. Where has that gotten us? And are we truly that great? I mean what is freedom really about? Looking at the person beside you and thinking, "What a waste of space"? I see discrimination and close-mindedness everywhere I look. That is causing such a problem. People turn the other cheek when they see something they don't like and bad mouth it. What is bad mouthing someone going to get you? Obviously not a whole hell of a lot if you look around. People are falling apart and they're dragging the other good-natured humans along with them.

Shuffle

You know those songs that when they come on your player, you just have to listen to them repeatedly. They just catch you and "hit the spot". I have many songs that do that. The majority of them have lyrics that just mean something to me. Well, this is one of those songs that always gets me. I love listening to it. The thing is, there are no lyrics. It is simply beautiful music....

Escala-Requiem For A Tower

Time Is One I Have No Control Over

Why is it so easy to write when I'm sad? Why can't I express my happiness but just have words flow when the tears do? Why can't I say all the things I need to say? Instead I just push them aside and put a smile on my face. Sure, I'm happy. Sure, I'm actually content. I'm okay with the choice you've made. I'm living with it and it's not hurting like it was...but the truth is, there is so much I wish I could say. I just can't right now. The things I feel inside are not feelings for someone who is just a friend. They aren't even for someone who needs a break. They're for someone that I love so much. Not just a fairytale romance, or a teen girl crush. But this deep and undying and undeniable love for another human being. One that cannot simply step to the side. It's like my whole heart goes out for you. I want nothing but your happiness. I want nothing but to be by your side. I had no idea something this deep could be true, that I could feel this way about someone. But I do...and all I can say is I Love You Too...

Late Night Conversations

I'll admit it. I miss you. I miss you a whole hell of a lot. It's one of those "so close yet it feels like so far away" missings. And I know that's not going to change any time soon. But I'd rather it be like this than to even think I'm losing you again. The truth is, I can't say I'm scared enough times to get it out of my system. It's there, always haunting me in any way possible. But the other side of the truth is, I'm getting a little less scared each day. I'm discovering new things and thinking new ways. And even though I was scared I was losing you and might not ever get you in my life the way I want, I've come to the realization that the way it is right now is just fine. I went through a lot of thoughts(and a lot of tears) to get to this point but now that I'm here, I'm more stable than I have been in a long time. It doesn't matter how you're in my life, just as long as you always are.

im always going to be in your life

That's a thought that keeps me smiling before I fall asleep tonight...

Speechless

I sit here, one with a million thoughts
And I realize, not a single one is forming
I try to pull a couple together
And morph it into something
Then I realize what has happened
Once again I find myself speechless
Waiting for the words to come
Soon they will florish
But for right now, I'll just smile...

And The Birds Go Chirp

I woke up at 9:17 this morning to the sound of birds chirping and the sun shining in the window. I have to say, that is a pretty great way to wake up. I didn't get out of bed right away. Instead I laid there for over an hour just thinking. Pretty soon, I had a new story idea in my head. Now, I've told myself I wasn't allowed to start a new story until I finished this one. But when it comes you've at least got to write it down. So, my next thing to do today will be just to do that.
I checked the weather report when I got up this morning and smiled even more. Sunshine and 60 degree weather all day long. How much more perfect can it get? The swings just outside are calling-no, screaming- my name. It's no joke that weather has an effect on us. I can feel my mood shifting with the weather-and that's not too good here in East Tenn because the weather likes to change every five minutes. Either way, I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts...

No Boundaries- (as sung by) Adam Lamber and Kris Allen

Seconds, hours, so many days
You know what you want but how long can you wait?
Every moment lasts forever
When you feel you lost your way

And what if my chances were already gone?
Started believing that I could be wrong
But you give me one good reason
To fight and never walk away

With every step you climb another mountain
Every breath it's harder to believe
You make it through the pain, weather the hurricanes
To get to that one thing

Just when you think the road is going nowhere
Just when you almost gave up on your dreams
They take you by the hand and show you that you can
There are no boundaries!
There are no boundaries!

I fought to the limit to stand on the edge
What if today is as good it gets?
Don't know where the future's headed
But nothing's gonna bring me down

I've jumped every bridge and I've run every line
I've risked being saved but I always knew why
I always knew why!

So hear I am still holding on!

With every step you climb another mountain
Every breath it's harder to believe
You make it through the pain, weather the hurricanes
To get to that one thing

Just when you think the road is going nowhere
Just when you almost gave up on your dreams
They take you by the hand and show you that you can

You can go higher, you can go deeper
There are no boundaries above and beneath you
Break every rule 'cause there's nothing between you and your dreams

With every step you climb another mountain
Every breath it's harder to believe

Yeah! There are no boundaries
There are no boundaries!

With every step you climb another mountain
Every breath it's harder to believe
You make it through the pain, weather the hurricanes
There are no boundaries!
There are no boundaries!
There are no boundaries

Music is like a healing potion. It helps us figure things out. It helps us feel better. Most of all, it helps us answer the questions we can't answer ourselves and speak when we can't speak for ourselves...

I Gotta Admit...

I thought this week was going to be one of the worst of my life. I mean, I seriously thought I was losing two people that meant so much to me. And I've lost people before and just one at a time was terrible enough(still not truly over them). But I knew this time would have been worse. Wayyyy worse. But...something happened. Something to reinforce my "Everything Happens For A Reason" philosophy. Sure, something bad happened. Things that made me cry many many hours. But, as I always know, things will get better. I've referred to life as a roller coaster so many times. And it still stands true. I discovered the other day that I do tend to go through the same things just with different people. And it usually works out one way or another. And I realized that that was how this was going to go. I knew it would just take time to heal. Sure, I am not a patient person but I'm also the type who can't completely lose hope. I always hold on for that one tiny piece...and well even when I thought I should just give up on something, I didn't and I'm glad I didn't.
The fact that I thought this week was going to be one of the worst did not come true. Sure, I had some seriously down moments(especially early in the week) but...I came out of that dark tunnel. And today,(I must use a metaphor simply because I love them) I realized that I still had people backing me up. It truly is amazing just how much friends(of all kinds) can help you to feel better. Sure they did they're little "I'm sorry..." speeches. But the part that helped me the most was the laughter. The everything that just makes a day good. They got my mind off of everything bad and I don't even think they realized that's what they did. And that's what I needed. Sometimes, yes I do need a shoulder or an ear to listen, but most of the time I get through it myself. And what I've learned that I truly need, is just a friend to laugh with. Someone to just...be happy with, even if it is unintentional.
So, now it's Friday. And it's been a long week. A hell of a week. I've been tired, sad, and just simply not really into doing much work for classes. That's the down part. But it is Friday. I have the rest of my life ahead of me. And I have three people back in my life that I couldn't stand to lose. I gotta admit...I thought this was going to be one of the worst weeks of my life...and instead...it's been a pretty damn good week despite it all...

Hard Love-Bob Franke

So, in continuance with my last post, I have another song that I found(read the lyrics from a book called Hard Love by Ellen Wittlinger). These lyrics also have hit home so I'll let them lead the way...

I remember growing up like it was only yesterday
Mom & Daddy tried their best to guide me on my way
But the hard times & the liquor drove the easy love away
And the only love I knew about was hard love

It was hard love, every hour of the day
When Christmas to my birthday was a million years away
And the fear that came between them drove the tears into my play
There was love in daddy's house, but it was hard love

And I recall the gentle courtesy you gave me as I tried
To dissemble in politeness all the love I felt inside
And for every song of laughter was another song that cried
This ain't no easy weekend, this is hard love

It was hard love, every step of the way
Hard to be so close to you, so hard to turn away
And when all the stars and sentimental songs dissolved to day
There was nothing left to sing about but hard love

So I loved you for your courage, and your gentle sense of shame
And I loved you for your laughter and your language and your name
And I knew it was impossible, but I loved you just the same
Though' the only love I gave to you was hard love

It was hard love, it was hard on you, I know
When the only love I gave to you was love I couldn't show
You forgave the heart that loved you as your lover turned to go
Leaving nothing but the memory of hard love

So I'm standing in this phone booth with a dollar and a dime
Wondering what to say to you to ease your troubled mind
For    the Lord's cross might redeem us, but our own just wastes our time
And to tell the two apart is always hard, love

So I'll tell you that I love you even though I'm far away
And I'll tell you how you change me as I live from day to day
How you help me to accept myself and I won't forget to say
Love is never wasted, even when it's hard love

Yes, it's hard love, but it's love all the same
Not the stuff of fantasy, but more than just a game
And the only kind of miracle that's worthy of the name
For the love that heals our lives is mostly hard love

A Fine Frenzy-Almost Lover

Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images

You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick

I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images

And when you left you kissed my lips
You told me you'd never ever forget these images, no

I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that easy
To walk right in and out of my life?

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

These lyrics really got to me. Not in a bad way. But in a "huh, that makes me think way". I think it is easy to see why they got to me. They're really good lyrics and I'm just going to let them do the talking...

The Beat of a Drum

I've noticed that it's when I'm somewhere listening or watching something and not doing much of anything that I start thinking the most. Sometimes I think more during these times than I do laying alone in my bed late at night(lately I think this is because I'm too tired to stay awake at night but have to at these other moments). Either way, as I was sitting and feeling the vibrations of the music and listening to the music, I kept wandering off with my thoughts. Going back to the same thing that's been on my mind all week.
It's become more of common knowledge as to what happened. It's sad because I basically mentioned it to a couple people(through text message because I still have troubles admitting it out loud) and next thing I know, more people know about it. I should have known this would happen. And I'm not upset about it. I'm truly not. It makes it easier on me because then I don't have to deal with the "so how are you and him doing?" questions. They already know. But the thing is, is they all seem to say to walk away. To just let it move to the past so that I don't get hurt. That's what they said: "I don't want to see you get hurt". And I know they mean it. But the thing is, it's too late for that. I'm already hurt. And there's no turning back. There's no just moving on and saying good-bye. Especially not until I am able to get some sort of answer. That's just the truth. So even though it seems like nearly everyone is against you and no where near on your side(and that's how they seem to want me to be) I can't do that. I'm still on your side. Well, I'm more neutral than anything. I won't say anything bad, I won't get mad, I won't do anything of the sort. Not yet. Instead, I'm just going to try to live right now and hope I can get answers...just as I have been doing all week. I'll continue to be numb. I'm good at it.
This brings me to another thought I had tonight. I realized that I shut myself off more than I thought I did. I noticed that especially in the past couple months I shut off and only let you in, if I let you in. You were the only person that really heard my thoughts. And that was only if I wasn't too terrified. Most of the time(and this is true for everyone but especially for you right now) I'm too scared to speak up and tell someone what I'm thinking or how I feel. I'm afraid to open up because I'm afraid I'll run them off or they'll leave me hanging. I'm scared. I always am. I'm scared and I'm worried about everything. I'm scared and worried about being scared and worried. I can't help it. I guess this is my only explanation. My cry out to tell you that I'm just scared.

Derailed Train That Cannot Be Trusted

Yesterday was a bad day. I tried my best to stay positive, and not get too down but it didn't work. Just before I was going to call the night quits and head to bed, I decided to click on a page I told myself I wouldn't. I went onto his page. It kept popping up all day long, taunting me. And finally, I gave into temptation. I don't know why I go on there. Maybe because it is some sort of connection to him. Maybe it is to search deeper, read into things more(which isn't exactly good for me seeing as it did exactly what it always does-brings me to tears). But last night was even worse. Partially because she had made another post on his wall. Which of course made me do another thing I promised myself I wasn't going to do. I went to her page. About halfway down, on the left, I saw something that made me feel betrayed. I'm not so sure I should feel this way but after everything that has happened in the past few months, I couldn't help feeling this way. It turns out someone else was a mutual friend of theirs. Someone who I used to be able to talk to about anything and everything. Someone I've tried to fix things with but we just can't seem to right now. (I'm holding onto hope that things will work out in a few months. I can't stand the idea of losing her as a friend, no matter how angry I've gotten.) That's beside the point, well only partially. But seeing this made the rivers flow. Suddenly I went from curious(good thing I'm not a cat) to bawling my eyes out uncontrollably. Everything inside of me changed. I went from perfectly comfortable to shaking uncontrollably. I experienced this awful cold chill throughout my entire body. My insides felt like they were on fire. I immediately messaged two of my friends online. I just needed to get it out. I'm the type who tries to keep things in. I try not to let people see if I'm upset. It makes me feel weak. I pride myself on being "strong" even if I'm only fooling myself. Either way, I still had to talk to someone. So I did. As usual, I vented to them, then quickly let them think I was okay. I said I was going to bed and did just that. I signed off, crawled into bed, read and fell asleep shortly after I read two chapters. Last night I slept better than the past two nights. I still dreamt and I still woke up a couple times but not as much. I felt more refreshed this morning. I finally let myself feel something last night. Ever since it happened a week ago, I've tried to be "strong" and not think about it. I had many random fits of crying those first two days but then I told myself it was all going to be okay and it was all going to work out. From then on, I refused to let myself think about it. I'm not so sure this completely worked because last night, after I finished feeling sad, I honestly felt better. I grieved, no matter how trivial it may be, and I let myself feel sad. And today, I feel better.
It started out slow, I was still exhausted this morning and struggled to stay awake. But for some reason I keep having this specific dream I had last week popping into my mind. It was a random one, that wouldn't actually happen in real life, but there was one part that I remember vividly. I finally admitted to myself that I had it today. I still can't say it out loud, so instead I typed it in a text message to a friend. I'm lucky she is the type not to read into things or tease me. She simply smiled, laughed a little. It helped. Because no matter how much I try not to think about it, its still there. I still had the dream. And I've had the random little thoughts for the past couple months. I just shush them and shove them as far into the back of my mind as possible. But, I've seen this person I dreamt about quite a bit today. And not just at a distance, but close up. And I keep being reminded of my dream. And I'm the type of person that says dreams mean something, even if they really don't mean anything at all. A lot of dreams people have are ways of thinking. Relieving stress or being imaginative. Many of them have symbolism behind them. I won't get into that now because I can go for hours possibly. And I know that not all of that dream meant something. Most of it was just my mind still running even after I tried to turn it off and sleep. But that one part, the part with this person, its the part that I'm afraid to admit. And no matter how much I want Him back, I'm beginning to think this might be...well let's not go there. Anywho, I can't avoid the fact that this other person, from my dream, is well someone I've thought about but won't admit that I have. I'm not sure why my mind is thinking like this. It may have something to do with the fact that my emotions have been running like a derailed train lately and cannot be trusted. And it may also have something to do with the fact that no matter how "strong" and independent I am, I am afraid-no, terrified- of being alone. If someone were to ask me what my ultimate fear is, it is being alone. And not the "alone in a crowd" or "alone in the dark" or anything like that kind of fear. But the alone for the rest of my life fear. The no one will want to be with me fear. The "alone in love" I guess I could say. Sure, I've loved. But so far, I've lost each one. I still love each and every person that I have ever loved but they've always left. Sure, the one I loved before this didn't technically leave but you can't lose someone you feel like you never truly had. And right now this is being proven to me. This one that I love more than I ever have, well he left in a way. And the worst part of it is that I'm not even sure where we stand. I'm not sure what to think anymore.
And now I realize that I started talking about him, went on to a different subject and somehow ended up talking about him again. I really am obsessed. Maybe not. But still, this is how my thoughts run lately.
But let's try to stay away from him right now, because even though I am strong today, and I am doing much better today, I don't need anymore temptation or curiosity. I just need a clear mind. And I'm feeling like today, I actually have a part of that. I noticed a beat in my step, almost like a...happiness of sorts or something. Well, maybe a calmness. And I'm seeing that my thoughts are going in a different direction today, more towards the person from my dream. The person I keep running into. The person I wish I was better friends with right now. The person who makes fake trees move...

This isn't easy

It's not easy wondering if I'm going to hear from you again. It's not easy wondering if it was all a lie. I know how my heart feels. It feels this immense love for someone yet now I'm wondering if everything was a lie. I'm trying to be strong. I'm trying not to think about it all the time but it's there. It's haunting my every thought. It's no exaggeration that I lay down with thoughts of you, dream of you, wake with thoughts of you. Sleep isn't easy right now. All I want to do is just go to sleep and let myself dream of you. But I wake up and have to fight the urge to cry. All I could say was okay. I was shocked. I was numb. I didn't know what to think. Now I have every thought in the world...and I can't talk. I can't tell you. I can't ask you these questions bombarding my mind. All I know is that I still love you. I've never once questioned that. I've known it was true from the beginning. I believed every word you've said because for once it sounded good, it sounded right and true. For once I found myself believing that someone out there would love me for me. That someone would actually believe I was worth their time. I'm a hopeless romantic, always wanting that one person to just be real. That's what you are for me. At least that's what I always believed. Now, well, I'm not even sure what to believe. I take your words, reread them over and over. I analyze them. I believe them. But there is this unspoken fear gnawing at the back of my mind. I literally felt my heard shatter and bleed out with my tears when I read those words. I always knew you were the one that could break my heart but I felt like you wouldn't do that. I believed your word...now I'm not sure what to believe. I just need answers. I need you to talk to me. I need to know...I can't keep wondering minute after minute. I can't keep looking at my phone, praying it's you when I know it's not. I can't keep getting these looks and these friendly words of "It'll be okay". Because even though either way it goes I know it will be okay, I just want it to go my way for once. I just want to stop living in a dreamworld and waking up with tears because I'm afraid I'm hoping for something that isn't real. Please. I can't keep crying. I can't keep fearing. I can't keep begging my heart to stop racing or begging it to even keep beating. Please. I need you to answer me. I need these answers. You should know that better than anyone...

I honestly dont care if i believed in a lie. I just want it back. I believe it was true...i just want it back.

I cant say i didnt know. I knew this was going to happen...i just wish for once it didnt have to.

Ive always prided myself on knowing exactly what I wanted. Now...Im not sure exactly. And its tearing me apart inside. I need to know...to carry on.

WishList of Desires

I want to be published. I want to write amazing books. I want people to want to read my stuff. I want to create amazing photography. I want to be able to make amazing prints that take my breath away. I want to be that person that has great things to be proud of. I want to keep my friends, keep those that mean the most to me. And I want to find more amazing people. I want...to be successful. I've dreamed of my future for so long. I want to make it my present...

I can't love a lie but what if I already do?

So I promised myself I wouldn't go here. That I wouldn't think about it. Especially this way. But I can't help it. Did i trust too easily? Was it just irrational and hopeful thinking? I know I want it to be okay. That's all I want. I can feel it in my heart...but I can also feel this pain and fear that goes from my throat all the way to the pit of my stomach. I used to say I was strong enough to handle anything, even something like this fear...but I'm not so sure. I know I'll pick myself back up if it does happen, but I don't want to have to put the pieces together again. I just...I'm tired of not knowing what to think. I'm tired of being afraid. I'm ready to just know for once whether something is real or not. I fell harder than I ever fell before. And it was the best fall ever...but now I'm not completely sure what I fell into. Maybe I love to easily. My hopes get up there and then crash down upon me. I can't help but want to hope but I also don't want to risk the pain that tears my heart into pieces. One moment I'm strong and completely held together and can handle anything this situation could throw me...the next moment I'm crying tears that won't stop and scared I've made a mistake and wasted months of my life. I can't love a lie but what if I already do? My heart is hurting but it doesn't want to give up...my head is saying save yourself before the pain gets worse. I'm not sure how much longer I can wait...how much more I can let this piece of hope hold on.

Sunshine Madness

Ah, what a lovely day. I walked to work with my sleeves rolled up. I actually had to squint a couple times because there was this bright ball in the sky...a sun! Around here we've seen it maybe the equivalent of a broken week all year long. It's refreshing to step outside and not hug my arms to myself as i run down the hill towards class. I took my time walking down today. True, there is still a brisk breeze but the warmth of the sun reminds me of spring time. My favorite time of year. Things begin blooming again, life picks back up as if it were on hold. Hibernation awakes. Life...lives. And something about knowing that this time is almost here gives me a sense of happiness. One that only comes from nature and its beauty. There is a smile on my face today, knowing that these last few dreary, dragging months are finally breaking away. I can feel the creative surge in me getting deeper. Soon, I will be unstoppable again...

 

Just the sight of the beautiful sky and bright sun reminded me of the times i used to take things like time and sunshine for granted...im reminded of the things i love most. The happiness i always feel when i write or take photos. This weather lately truly has been a reflection of my mood...

this explains how so many people feel.

I wasn't sure...

Not being sure happens a lot in life. We take adventures that we aren't sure are going to work or not. Some people rather not take the risks that make them unsure. Yet I'm not so sure that always works. 

It's hard for me to understand why everything happens. I'm not sure why I've lost some friends and why I've been the places I've been. All I know is that some day I want to look back and be "sure" that everything I did was worth it. Not necessarily that it was the right choice or the perfect move...but that it was all worth it.

I wasn't sure how this was going to work. I just knew I wanted to try something knew. It's time I need something knew...some understanding behind all these choices I've made. 

I wasn't sure...but someday I will be...

If you had no fear of failing, what would you do?

We all only get one life sentance...one sentance that sums everything from our lifetime up. What is your life sentance?