The Beat of a Drum

I've noticed that it's when I'm somewhere listening or watching something and not doing much of anything that I start thinking the most. Sometimes I think more during these times than I do laying alone in my bed late at night(lately I think this is because I'm too tired to stay awake at night but have to at these other moments). Either way, as I was sitting and feeling the vibrations of the music and listening to the music, I kept wandering off with my thoughts. Going back to the same thing that's been on my mind all week.
It's become more of common knowledge as to what happened. It's sad because I basically mentioned it to a couple people(through text message because I still have troubles admitting it out loud) and next thing I know, more people know about it. I should have known this would happen. And I'm not upset about it. I'm truly not. It makes it easier on me because then I don't have to deal with the "so how are you and him doing?" questions. They already know. But the thing is, is they all seem to say to walk away. To just let it move to the past so that I don't get hurt. That's what they said: "I don't want to see you get hurt". And I know they mean it. But the thing is, it's too late for that. I'm already hurt. And there's no turning back. There's no just moving on and saying good-bye. Especially not until I am able to get some sort of answer. That's just the truth. So even though it seems like nearly everyone is against you and no where near on your side(and that's how they seem to want me to be) I can't do that. I'm still on your side. Well, I'm more neutral than anything. I won't say anything bad, I won't get mad, I won't do anything of the sort. Not yet. Instead, I'm just going to try to live right now and hope I can get answers...just as I have been doing all week. I'll continue to be numb. I'm good at it.
This brings me to another thought I had tonight. I realized that I shut myself off more than I thought I did. I noticed that especially in the past couple months I shut off and only let you in, if I let you in. You were the only person that really heard my thoughts. And that was only if I wasn't too terrified. Most of the time(and this is true for everyone but especially for you right now) I'm too scared to speak up and tell someone what I'm thinking or how I feel. I'm afraid to open up because I'm afraid I'll run them off or they'll leave me hanging. I'm scared. I always am. I'm scared and I'm worried about everything. I'm scared and worried about being scared and worried. I can't help it. I guess this is my only explanation. My cry out to tell you that I'm just scared.