Linkin Park~No More Sorrow

Linkin Park-No More Sorrow

Are you lost
In your lies
Do you tell yourself I don't realize

Your crusade's a disguise
Replace freedom with fear
You trade money for lives

I'm aware of what you've done

[Chorus:]
No more sorrow
I've paid for your mistakes
Your time is borrowed
Your time has come to be replaced

I see pain
I see need
I see liars and thieves
Abuse power with greed

I had hope
I believed
But I'm beginning to think that I've been deceived

You will pay for what you've done

[Chorus]

Thieves and hypocrites
Thieves and hypocrites
Thieves and hypocrites

[Chorus x2]

Your time has come to be replaced
Your time has come to be erased 

Lost and Confused

Just when I start getting used to something, start to get over it...it creeps back up and haunts me. It gets thrown in my face. It crushes me. Makes me question every thought and possible form of logic I've had lately. I tried to tell myself it didn't matter, that it was all for the best. Yet, it still haunts me. It's still there. And it still hurts. It takes me from being confident in myself to completely in pieces. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to think. I feel like I'm continuously losing and I can't do anything to stop it. I've become a crazy mess. I feel as if things are too far out of my control right now...and I don't know when I'll regain control...

I Hate This Feeling

I hate the skip in my heart, the undying steady fall of tears, the feeling of losing control. I hate not knowing what is going to happen or how it is all going to go. I hate feeling like I can't do anything, can't fix everything. I hate the stress that overwhelms me and keeps me awake. I hate the fleeting thoughts that split my mind. I hate the lack of focus, the surplus of thoughts. I hate feeling like my heart has just suck to the bottom, weighed down with leaden stress. I hate knowing I'm losing something I once cherished. I hate wondering if I was fooled all along. I hate feeling like I'm losing my mind, losing my sanity, losing my happiness. I hate feeling alone when I'm surrounded. I hate being so guarded, yet being so readable. I hate feeling like I'm hiding, like I have to hide. I hate wondering, not knowing, hurting, feeling too much. I hate being scared, always being scared. I hate being fooled. I hate the lies life shoves down my throat. I hate the lies I tell just to make people think I'm okay. I hate the hidden tears, the fake smiles. I hate this pain, this undeniable pain, this heart-wrenching pain, this...pain.

Midnight Talks

Rain and Windshield wipers. Lights and Passer-byes. Late nights talks wherever you are. It doesn't matter who says what. It doesn't matter the circumstance. What matters is knowing you're there each other. Friendship is a meaningful bond, never to be underestimated. The stories we tell, the secrets we keep. Even the fights and disagreements. It's worth it all. I couldn't be me without those who care for me. Those willing to give up some of there time to just sit with me, run around in the brisk wind while I attempt to take pictures of something they don't even fully understand. I try not to ask for too much, or much of anything for that matter. But each and everything you do for me, is cherished even if it isn't obvious. These are the moments I live for, the ones where I know I am cherished...

No Home

The earth shakes. 

Rattling through me like a hurricane. 

The rain pours. 

Drowning me in its tears. 

Lightning strikes. 

Tearing through my heart. 

Ripping it like it was never there. 

The earth calms. 

Showing the damage it possesses. 

I look down. 

My mangled heart beating raggedly. 

I beg it, just one more beat. 

Just enough time to get me home. 

Get me to the place of solace. 

My eyes look with such sadness. 

And emptiness. 

There is no such place. 

My lips tell me so. 

There is not home for the broken soul.

Darkened Tears

I suck at love. I make all the wrong moves. Fall down all the wrong paths. I found that there is such a thing as loving too much. This is what I do. I love someone with all that I have then I fail somehow and they get to take it all away. And then all I’m left with are the tears and the darkness. I’m a winner at losing. And yet, even with everything, somehow I still want to love. I know how it’s going to end. The same way it always has. Empty dark and depressing. Yet I’m still doing it. Still putting myself in the way of love's daggers. And I haven’t been able to dodge a single one. Each and every time I’ve been pierced right through. Yet I’m a hopeless romantic. Emphasis on the hopeless...

I'm Not Ready For The Past...

I haven't thought about you in a while. I made it this way. I've kept myself busy to the point of not being able to take more than a minute to let you cross my mind. I'm still busy. There is plenty I should and could be doing right now. But instead, somehow, you made your way into my mind and I can't dislodge you...I don't like this. I'm supposed to be able to hold my head high and say I'm not hurting anymore. I'm supposed to be over you. But the truth is, I know I'm not. No matter how much I try to hide it, no matter how many times I tell myself, I'm just simply not over you. And it's killing me...because right now all I want is to say I'm over you and have it be true. Not because I actually want to be over you or anything. But simply because I don't want to keep telling myself things that makes it seem like its true when it isn't. I just want to be able to say I am fine and have it be true. Because the truth right now is that I am mostly fine. But it's that little part of me that misses you so utterly much. It's that little part of me that is bringing down the rest of me. I forced it all into this little corner of my heart just so that maybe, just maybe I wouldn't feel it as much. But it's still there. And it wants to take over again. But I can't let it. Because I can't have what I want right now. And what I want is for you to be back in my life. You made my life better. No matter what the truth is, I will always remember that the "you" that I knew made my life so much better than it had been in a while. The "you" I knew made me believe in true love, in a love that I can have. I believed that someone could truly love me for who I was and show me that they do. That was the "you" that I knew. And the "you" that I miss. That's the "you" I want back. The "you" I need...I miss you. I can't ever take back the way I've felt. I'll always feel this way. And no matter whether that "you" is real or not...it's the "you" that saved me from the "me" that tore me apart. "You" opened my eyes to who I really am. And now, I just keep seeing who I really am. I was buried underneath everything, scared to do anything for myself. Scared to be me. But "you" always encouraged me. "You" always loved me for me. "You" weren't afraid...and you made me less afraid.

Lens of Discovery

Art speaks to me. Not in a way that I can easily explain either. All forms of art do. Photography, words, paintings, music. Anything created from the heart. Maybe this is why it is such a strong connection for me. Because art is not just something we can throw together. Art requires heart and emotion. It requires feeling something. Anything. It's an expression of ourselves. Whether it is our own personal art or someone else's. If we can relate, then it is a part of us. I see myself being attracted to the things not always expected. Nature is always beautiful and I love to capture it. But there is something in breaking it apart and finding what people don't always notice. Seeing what makes it what it is. I think I relate so well because I have a tendency to break everything apart. I break people down and see what makes them who they are. I do this with art, nature, and myself as well. Each and every photo of mine that I feel a connection to is a piece of myself that I have broken down. All day, art has been on my mind. This need to create and develop. Break down and make. I feel myself changing. Maybe not even really changing, but developing into who I really am. The me I've always been meant to be. Through art, I can do anything, I can be anything. Above all, I can be me.

A friend once told me i was a silent cry for help. We both laughed when she said it...but we both also knew she was right...

Beyond...

Sometimes we have to look deeper than just what we see. Sometimes it takes removing the color from life, everything we know and take for granted, just to see the truth that lies beneath. Sometimes it takes more than we're willing to give just to get what we need most...the truth...
Sometimes it takes us through so much pain and we just don't understand why. We can question everything. Pulling it apart and tearing it to pieces until we just can't do anymore. But eventually we have to face the facts that it's just not explainable. Everything happens for a reason. I've stood by this my entire life. I don't even know how. All I know is that I believe it with everything. What else can I put my faith in? I know there is an eternal purpose for everything and everyone so why doubt? Why even let myself begin to believe that I can allow myself to question things beyond my control. Trust me. I've wanted to question. And I have. But I always come to the same conclusion. That things are out of my control. But not in a chaotic way. But in a planned sort of way. That it will all work out. 
Trust me, this isn't easy, believing this. But it's how it is. There are so many things in my past that make me wonder. I wish that they had of gone different ways. But at the same time I don't wish for anything to change. I don't regret. I don't have time to regret. Time keeps going. I can't make it stop. I can't make it go backwards either. All I can do is just keep going along with it...

Some Changes...

It's a sad reality but I think I have to face the facts. Some things just aren't meant to be. It's sad and tears me apart but maybe it's for the best. I'd rather realize the truth now then have to hurt even more later on. I deserve better. I know this is true. I'm not afraid anymore. I'm not going to let myself get hurt anymore. I'm not going to let myself get blamed anymore either. I'm just going to let myself be. I deserve it...
I've let myself get hurt enough simply because I couldn't handle letting go. I was afraid of losing someone important to me. I'm still afraid of it. But the truth is, I can't force something that isn't meant to be. It hurts me to say this. But I think it may be true. Some people walk into our lives and change us forever. But some of those people walk back out. It's going to hurt, especially if it does go down this dividing path. But I'll be better off. I'm glad this one(what should be little) incident has opened my eyes. It's going to be tough and it's going to keep hurting. But I can live with it. I'm better off...

Fade

I have no direction for this. I have no clear thought in my mind. I only have the jumble of thoughts cascading through. Well, more like tearing through and making it all seem like one crazy blur. I have no way of thinking clearly right now. I just want to fade into the mist, fade into the crowd. I don't want anyone to come looking, I don't want anyone to read too deeply into my thoughts, words, or facial expressions. I just want to be alone. I want to be alone because I don't want to have to worry about hurting anyone anymore. It seems like I've done that to so many people in my past. I ache to get close, to have that unbreakable bond. But then I get this pulling. This need to block myself and keep this barricade that no one else can get into. I do this to protect myself and to protect others. I can't let someone in without always being scared. I have this horrible tendency to begin to open up and get comfortable with someone then this unavoidable fear comes and clams me back up. I want to grow close, but I just need my privacy. I need my wall to stay in place. Because I can't handle the thought of hurting others. Of getting just close enough and then causing them to pull away. So instead I pull away. I've worked for so long to keep this facade working that I can't just let it go. I don't want to. It is my comfort, my solace. Even though it is fake, it is the only thing that I feel is always there, always real for me. Because no matter what anyone tells me. No matter how much they tell me they care and support and love me, I can't trust. I can't believe that there is someone who can handle the true me and all my problems. And I most certainly can't trust myself not to mess things up. I have so many times before. It is just a fact of my life. I can't stand how many mistakes I have made. Yet I feel like I keep making them. Which is why I pull away. Although that may be a huge mistake that I have made, it is the only thing I can do. The only way that I can keep myself from shattering too much.

I don't even know...

I've tried to figure it out. I've gone down the entire list of possibilities. I've thought it through and through. The only thing I can come up with is that you've taken it personal. No matter what I've told you, you must not have listened clear enough. I've explained it several times and yet you still don't seem to understand. Now, I can't get through to you, I feel like I can't even be around you. You've shut me out and the only reason I can see why is because you don't understand and you're not even trying. It's not me with a problem. Sure, I've had my issues. But I've told you them. I tried to explain them to you. Even recently. Yet for some reason you think I'm taking something out on you. You act like I don't want to be near you so you push me away. If you include me, it's only as an afterthought. How am I supposed to react when this is how it is? I can't just brush it off and act like nothing is wrong. Not now. Not when you treat me like you can't stand me and like you're mad at me. I don't even feel like I did anything wrong, I've gone over it a million times in my head and still can't figure out if I did do something wrong. The only thing I've come up with is what I've already told you. And also the fact that just because I don't follow you around everywhere doesn't put me up for worst friend of the year. Some things are becoming clearer, while others, I just don't know. I guess I'll try to let the pieces fall where they may, maybe you'll see soon enough. I've tried to explain, I've tried to be the best I can be, now just let me be myself...

It is at the edge of a petal that love waits.

Breaking Benjamin~Until The End

So clever, whatever, I'm done with these endeavors

Alone I'll walk the winding way (here I stay)

It's over, no longer, I feel it growing stronger 

I live to die another day, until I fade away

Why give up? Why give in?

It's not enough, it never is

So I will go on until the end

We've become, desolate

It's not enough, it never is

But I will go on until the end

Surround me, it's easy, to fall apart completely 

I feel you creeping up again (In my Head)

It's over, no longer, I feel it growing colder

I knew this day would come to end, so let this life begin

Why give up? Why give in?

It's not enough, it never is

So I will go on until the end

We've become, desolate

It's not enough, it never is

But I will go on until the end

I've lost my way

I've lost my way 

But I will go on until the end

Living is, hard enough, without you fucking UP.........

Why give up? Why give in?

It's not enough, it never is

So I will go on until the end

We've become, desolate

It's not enough, it never is

But I will go on until the end

I've lost the way

I've lost the way

But I will go on until the end

The final fight I win

The final fight I win

The final fight I win

But I will go on until the end

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_sK2pp2Vkto

Built Barriers

I've always been the type to want to build walls around myself. Not only to hide but also to try and see who would notice and, well, try to get through. But through building these walls, I've become somewhat shut down. And honestly, that's how I've wanted it. So, that is not my thought. I am not wanting to just knock everything down and welcome people in. It scares me way too much. I have many reasons behind this.
But, I've noticed lately that through building these walls, it has made it harder for me to help those like me. Now, I love helping people. I really do. But when it comes to the things that really hit home, the things the are buried deep behind these barriers, it makes it harder for me to help others. It hurts me. I feel like I'm not doing all that I should to help those who I want to. But I also can't just open myself up. It's not like I have deep, terrible, to the grave secrets. Well, okay, yes I do have some. But it's also mostly just things I'd rather not open up. I am a private person by nature. Sometimes I need someone to vent to. But I can't just disperse everything. Or even much. So, I say this all with thinking that no matter how much I want to help someone, I can't always give all the help I need/want to because that involves giving a piece of me. Something I can't do easily. I've already given too many pieces of myself away to people I care about simply because I care about them. It scares me to give away anything, open up anything. The fact that I have(no matter what it is) scares me even more. I've always loved the fact of having those friends I can tell things to. And sure, I've told my closest friends many "secrets". Just not the thoughts I hold most. I can't...

"That'll Be Two Pennies"

Change is tough. I'm saying this from experience. I like change. I like new things. But I also don't like the possibility of losing something. It scares me to think I'm going to have to leave something behind, let something(or even someone go). Yet, I do still welcome it. I think the closer I get to finally figuring everything out, the further I begin to pull from others. I've known since I began moving around that I would always be the type to move(at least until I found the perfect place). I've also always known that the only place I feel I can call home, isn't where I am now. That is another change to come. Figuring out where I'm going from here. There is a quote that I read once, I don't remember it perfectly but I felt it hit home.
"Change is easy. It's what you leave behind that's hard."
And it is so true. I am not the type of person that handles losing others well. I never have and I never will. So yes, all those that used to be in my life and aren't anymore, I miss you. Terribly so. I know that many times it was because of change on my part. Just the flow of life that led to this divide. But, I don't want you, or anyone, to ever think that I forget. Because I don't.
It's just the fact that change is so difficult. And maybe I accept change so openly that it shuts me off to the past some..

Dirt Paths

I’ve had some difficulties lately. And I’ve had some questions too. I’ve gotten a few answers now although I still have some questions. But now I’m seeing the path ahead a little clearer now. I’m still not completely clear cut on who I am and what I’ll be. I won’t know that until I’m resting eternally. Yes, it’s scary to not know if I’ll ever complete all I’m meant to and fulfill all my wishes. But I’ve always believed it’s all a part of the journey. I’ve been weaving through the paths for years now. I’ve made mistakes and made great choices. But, I’ve continuously learned. Most recently, I’ve learned more about my future. Well, I can only guess I have. Because the future is something we will never know.