Fade

I have no direction for this. I have no clear thought in my mind. I only have the jumble of thoughts cascading through. Well, more like tearing through and making it all seem like one crazy blur. I have no way of thinking clearly right now. I just want to fade into the mist, fade into the crowd. I don't want anyone to come looking, I don't want anyone to read too deeply into my thoughts, words, or facial expressions. I just want to be alone. I want to be alone because I don't want to have to worry about hurting anyone anymore. It seems like I've done that to so many people in my past. I ache to get close, to have that unbreakable bond. But then I get this pulling. This need to block myself and keep this barricade that no one else can get into. I do this to protect myself and to protect others. I can't let someone in without always being scared. I have this horrible tendency to begin to open up and get comfortable with someone then this unavoidable fear comes and clams me back up. I want to grow close, but I just need my privacy. I need my wall to stay in place. Because I can't handle the thought of hurting others. Of getting just close enough and then causing them to pull away. So instead I pull away. I've worked for so long to keep this facade working that I can't just let it go. I don't want to. It is my comfort, my solace. Even though it is fake, it is the only thing that I feel is always there, always real for me. Because no matter what anyone tells me. No matter how much they tell me they care and support and love me, I can't trust. I can't believe that there is someone who can handle the true me and all my problems. And I most certainly can't trust myself not to mess things up. I have so many times before. It is just a fact of my life. I can't stand how many mistakes I have made. Yet I feel like I keep making them. Which is why I pull away. Although that may be a huge mistake that I have made, it is the only thing I can do. The only way that I can keep myself from shattering too much.