I'm Not Ready For The Past...

I haven't thought about you in a while. I made it this way. I've kept myself busy to the point of not being able to take more than a minute to let you cross my mind. I'm still busy. There is plenty I should and could be doing right now. But instead, somehow, you made your way into my mind and I can't dislodge you...I don't like this. I'm supposed to be able to hold my head high and say I'm not hurting anymore. I'm supposed to be over you. But the truth is, I know I'm not. No matter how much I try to hide it, no matter how many times I tell myself, I'm just simply not over you. And it's killing me...because right now all I want is to say I'm over you and have it be true. Not because I actually want to be over you or anything. But simply because I don't want to keep telling myself things that makes it seem like its true when it isn't. I just want to be able to say I am fine and have it be true. Because the truth right now is that I am mostly fine. But it's that little part of me that misses you so utterly much. It's that little part of me that is bringing down the rest of me. I forced it all into this little corner of my heart just so that maybe, just maybe I wouldn't feel it as much. But it's still there. And it wants to take over again. But I can't let it. Because I can't have what I want right now. And what I want is for you to be back in my life. You made my life better. No matter what the truth is, I will always remember that the "you" that I knew made my life so much better than it had been in a while. The "you" I knew made me believe in true love, in a love that I can have. I believed that someone could truly love me for who I was and show me that they do. That was the "you" that I knew. And the "you" that I miss. That's the "you" I want back. The "you" I need...I miss you. I can't ever take back the way I've felt. I'll always feel this way. And no matter whether that "you" is real or not...it's the "you" that saved me from the "me" that tore me apart. "You" opened my eyes to who I really am. And now, I just keep seeing who I really am. I was buried underneath everything, scared to do anything for myself. Scared to be me. But "you" always encouraged me. "You" always loved me for me. "You" weren't afraid...and you made me less afraid.