Methods of Motivation

Where does motivation come from? It comes from many places. Sometimes, motivation can come from places of pure unhappiness. It's a need for change, a need for something better or something more in life.

A Piece For Me??

Sometimes I just want to scream about how unfair it all is. How I can work so hard towards something and get nothing in return yet I can actually see results being handed to people all around me. It physically hurts to hear about others' easy success for things I have worked for and never received. I try to keep a happy smile, yet, it is so hard to do when reality keeps slapping me in the face. I have worked so hard to get to where I am. Yet, I have no break. It's just a facade laying over more work that I have to do. Sure, I've made it to college, and I'm still doing good here. Yet, each day that passes is another day in further debt that I fall. I am working two campus jobs(with the possibility of four places total) yet, that money is not seen by me. It seems to fall into some sort of black hole. There are so many things I wish to do, dream of doing, yet cannot simply because I do not have the money. Yet, I see others around me who are able to just rip out the check with ease. They get to take the journeys that I wish I could go on more than anything. They get to live the dreams that I think about constantly. They get the opportunities I can only wish for. It is more than just losing out on some of these big opportunities. It is just day-to-day life. When I do good at something, I can't take the time to celebrate because I have to begin working towards the next thing or I just can't afford to celebrate. Like I said, there are other things in this area. Things that I dream of that do not even involve money. Things I want so dearly. Yet I am never given the chance. I see people with what I want all around me. I also see so many people throwing it all away carelessly, yet if I were given the chance, I would take it graciously and I wouldn't take advantage of it. I know it is not wise to complain about what I do not have. Yet, in the world I live, reality strikes all around me. The things I dream and pray for are being wisked off to others. I hope that one day it will all pay off. I keep that hope in me. But right now...it is simply unfair.

Years of Change

Catching up with old childhood friends is an old experience. It is so interesting to see how two people who used to be nearly inseparable can be so different only a matter of ten years later. I see this with several friends I used to know so well. Now, we're on completely different paths, hundreds of miles apart. Sometimes I wonder if we would still be those great of friends if I hadn't moved. I just wonder how it all would have been, how different would we each be. From who we are now, or from who each other are...

In Between

Sometimes, I can't wait until I actually get out into the real world. Full time job. Place of my own. My own food to cook and eat. Working on my own time schedule instead of someone else's. It's a great feeling knowing I'm working towards that. Yet, I'm still stuck here, waiting until that day. But is it really so bad to wait until then? To just take it day by day and take what I have now and appreciate it? Not. It's exactly how I should think of it. Sure, it's going to be great when I have my own "life" to live. Yet, right now, I've just got to live with what I have.

How can you ever judge how someone feels about their life? How can you know whether they are happy or sad? Tears and smiles can be deceiving

Dreaming Thoughts

Thoughts are never meant to be analyzed or over justified. Thoughts are just meant to be. They have meaning behind them. There is real meaning to them. But they nearly never occur in a perfect pattern. It's when we begin thinking about them that we go in depth. We just have to be careful not to look at them too deeply. Dreams play into this. We have dreams all the time. We don't always remember them and even less often do we understand them. Lately, I've been having a wide array of dreams. They certainly don't all make sense. Some are just really odd. (These dreams are some of the reason that some people think I may have anxiety issues.) Yet last night, I had one that I really don't know what to think of it. I want it to come true to a degree. Yet, not in the sense that it was last night. Also, I'm not sure exactly what this dreams mean. I always believe there is a reason we have our dreams. There is some sort of meaning behind them. No, not always some huge symbolic meaning. But just something, some reasoning behind them. The mind doesn't shut off. Even once we've drifted off into sleep, our subconscious is still thinking away. I know that I have thought some about the subject I dreamed about but it still really caught me by surprise. I believe what got me most was how I felt. My emotions throughout. I was happy. Usually, whenever I do think about this subject, I get scared. Scared for different reasons and it doesn't take over completely how I feel. The fear is only a small part but it is always there when I consciously think about it. Yet, last night, there was only one emotion. Happiness. I was happy. It just caught me by surprise.

Escape.

Some days(wait, correction, most days) I can't help but think about how much I wish I had my own car. And not just because I want one. But because I have found so many instances where I have needed one. Like today. If I had my own car, I'd just get in it and be gone. I'd leave for a couple hours and only come back for work tonight. But no. Instead, I have to rely and wait on someone else to hopefully be either willing to take me somewhere or have to go there themselves. I don't rely on others well. In fact, I can't rely on others. It upsets me. I just want the ability to escape on my own and not have to worry about anyone else.

It's interesting...

It's interesting to hear other people's point of view. It's interesting to see how they react to the same exact thing. How something so personal for both sides can be construed into something completely opposite for both. It's hard to take ourselves out of our own vision of things and to try to see it another person's way. Yet, sometimes, by even stepping out of our own shoes, we can find that maybe things were meant to be seen from the way we have always seen it. It's interesting...

Let's Hope I Don't Walk Away Alone

I just watched Love On The Side. Now, this movie may come off as a bit odd but the story line is great. Now, I'm not saying I would love for this exact thing to happen to me but it did get me thinking a few things. One thing I thought was "I'm going to leave when you decide you finally want me". Now, this isn't saying I'm going to walk away when someone finally wants me, it's saying that it seems like the turn of events could happen that way. I'm not planning on staying in one place. What if by some magical chance, someone decides they want to be with me after my bags have already been packed? And especially if this is someone I want as well. Honestly, I can only hope that maybe they wouldn't be willing to give me up so easily. I can honestly only hope I'm not willing to give up my dream either...

Life...Not As We Know It...

How can we ever get used to losing something we once always knew. It's simply too crazy how we can know something so well, always have it there by our side, then bam. One day it's just gone. I can never get used to that. It's been seven or eight years since I lost my grandpa and I'm still not used to him being gone. I still wait to see him. I still think that maybe, just maybe, he's going to be sitting there on his deck chair, drinking a beer and watching the birds. But he's not. And it's sad. It's hard. And I'll never get used to him being gone. It's the same for old high school classmates that either never got to graduate or see much of life beyond high school. I feel like I'm going to walk into my high school reunion and there they are. They'll be standing there among everyone else. But they won't be. And I'm not used to that. I can't accept that. My grandmother's funeral is tomorrow morning. I'm not going to be there. I have too many obligations that I couldn't get out of. It's sad. I just know that tomorrow morning is going to hit everyone, including me. It's going to...suck. There is no other way to put it. Life just...its so unexpected. There are so many curves and unexpected turns. No one ever gets used to it. Once one thing gets comfortable, something new gets thrown in. We never know what is going to happen. It's terrifying. It's scary and exciting all at the same time. I want to live life to the fullest. I never want to miss a beat because if I miss one beat, I could miss my entire life. Death scares me beyond belief. I just want my life to be worth my death in the end...

"You"

I have a lot of thoughts. They take me from place to place and emotion to emotion. Some days, I have more hope and confidence than I ever thought possible. And some days, I just have to let myself think and reflect. It's a tough process, making my way through it all. It's not easy. It's not easy to turn your back to one thing and never look back. Sure, I've moved to a whole new state of mind. But there are still pieces of that old place. I take glances every now and then at what used to be. I still think about it. I think about how you treated me. I think about how I treated me. I think about how I looked at life. I thought I had a clear outlook and perspective. Then I realized I was clouded. Now, I feel that it is a bit more accurate and better but I also realize I will never have a clear outlook on life. Not the present, never the future, and not even a complete understanding of the past. I wonder continuously about the unknown. I wonder continuously about what you were thinking, about what you are thinking. I wonder about the questions I have never found the answers to. I wonder about the truths and the lies. I never stop wondering. And sometimes, this gets me down. It's not that it actually makes me sad, but I just get so wrapped up in the thoughts that it's hard to find my way back to reality. I get lost in dreams and in hopes. I get lost thinking about you. Wondering if you're thinking of me. Wondering what you think of me. Will we always be just friends? We we even stay friends. We we move forward or will I lose you. Have I ever had you? Have I ever had me, in a clear understanding. When I look in the past, I see how you, and you, and so many of you, treated me. I see how you treated me good. How you treated me like I wasn't worth a thing, how you used me. I see how you pushed your way back into my life when I so carelessly blinded myself and how you cared for me. Then I look at what I have now. I see how you, the one who ruined me, are no longer in my life. And I see how you, who cared for me and picked me back up, are the rock I lean upon. And I see you, someone I want to carry into my future in at least one way. Which brings me to the unforseeable future. It's best this way really. Yet all I can do is hope that you, the sweet good one, is still there, strong beside me and you, the undeniably hurtful one, is lost among the shadows. I don't know where life is going to take me. I won't know until I get there. But I plan to fight my way there. I will not lose the battle that I have earned the right to wage in. I'm still stronger than I've ever been. I'm a person I love now, to the bottoms of my soul. I'm a happy heart. I am me. And "me" is who I will always be....

A Summer Of Peace

I spent this summer working. Not only was I working physically at a summer job, but I also happened to be doing a lot of working on myself. I didn't realize at first that this was in fact what was happening. I just happened to notice that I was feeling different. I was feeling truly happy. See, earlier this spring, I happened to go through a rough time. I know I've said this many times but it was really the truth. I was very down. This is just the truth. I was fighting through a lot of internal battles. But somehow, just working this summer helped me find myself. I spent the summer working, thinking(when I wasn't passing out from exhaustion) and being with my friends-the people that I found to truly care for me. I came back to school feeling mentally rejuvenated. I still feel just truly happy. The areas I stressed about before I came back have fallen out of my thoughts. I have this new confidence in me. I have figured out many things about myself and have accepted who I am. This is amazing to me. I cannot express how I feel...maybe the future will bring the right words.

I know exactly what i want from life...ive never known this before...

How can love turn to hate? How can happiness turn to anger? How can something that was once so great become so unbearable?

Changing Thoughts

So lately I’ve been thinking about the fact that I haven’t been thinking as much. I know, I know. This sounds impossible. I mean, who thinks about the fact that they haven’t been thinking? That right there shows that one has been thinking. But, this is true. I have indeed not been thinking as much. And by thinking I mean the deep, meaningful, thoughtful thinking. Not the random, in one ear and out the other thoughts that you forget as soon as it’s gone. I mean, I figured “hey, now that I have a job like this, I’ll be able to think more and maybe figure some stories out, figure some ‘life things’ out, and whatnot”. Yet, truth be told, I’m not sure what I’m thinking most of the time when I’m shoveling dust around with a 36 inch dust mop or folding gigantic pieces of cardboard into the object called the baler. There are moments that I’ll even stop moving and think, “what the heck have I been thinking about these past three hours?” Yet nothing of substance really seemed to come to mind. Yet, for some reason, I feel as though maybe I’ve been thinking a little more this week. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I had three days worth of “makeover”. Okay, not really that drastic. But, I did make some substantial changes. I used to have long hair halfway down my back. Now, it nearly escapes my shoulders. And it used to be a light-ish, weird-ish, brown-ish, color. Now, it’s burgundy and black. Also, there is this little gem looking thing “stuck” to the side of my nose that is a little interesting in my peripheral vision. These are all changes that I have been waiting to make for months now. They felt…necessary for me to make. They felt as if, because of the change that has happened to me, I needed to create a change with me. And so far, it has helped. Granted, it is only a couple days into the “new look”, but I still feel different. There does seem to be a bit of an esteem boost. And I see myself happier with the way I look. And this creates thoughts. This creates the “if all these changes keep occurring to me and if I can change how I look, maybe I can create some other changes in me.” This gives me some hope to finally gaining the sense of “lost-ness” I keep feeling. The sense of, “where do I belong in this huge, looming world?” I mean, as I’ve known for a long time, not all the answers are available yet and not everything makes sense right now. But there does seem to be this sense of being lost. I don’t know where I belong, or that I belong. I don’t know where I’ll end up. I just know that I feel like this isn’t where it is. “This” being so many different things. I mean, I have so many hopes for the future(far and near) and so many dreams. I have wishes pouring from my heart and begging to come true. Yet, they don’t seem to be. I get scared easily. And I also get paranoid, and lonely a lot faster that I feel that I should. Yet, I can’t help this. And the more I worry about the fact that I worry too much, the more that I worry. Which is all confusing in itself and doesn’t help the matter much. I also notice that lately, I seem to be putting hope in more farfetched ideas. This is where the “thinking” part comes in. I’ve noticed that lately, my thinking goes further away from the “safe boundaries” I set up for myself(in hopes of not getting my hopes dashed so often). I don’t know why this is. Maybe I’m getting tired of the normal, safe thoughts I always had. Or maybe I’m just getting tired of the way things are right now. I believe it is both. Yet, while I know that I can indeed help create some change in this chaotic mess, I have learned there are many, many things that I cannot change. Either they flow they way they are meant to, or they are stuck in the groove they’ve been in. All I can hope for is that maybe something will come of my thoughts…

Tug Of War

Lately it seems like a struggle to stay happy. Sure, I want to be happy. But for some reason I can’t just be happy. It’s not something I can just command. It’s a constant battle. One thing makes me happy, keeps me smiling for several hours and even randomly when I remember it. Then one little thing can sweep it all out from under me and it takes twice the effort just to smile. It’s true, it’s hard for me to find a place where I am happy. I work all week long where sometimes, the days are good and some days, I can’t wait to leave there fast enough. Then I come home, exhausted and sore and ready to collapse. And sometimes I do just that. I collapse and nothing happens for the rest of the day. I sleep and numbly watch tv then go right back to sleep. Yet, I never feel refreshed lately. The only times I feel alive is when I’m out. When I’m around those close to me. When I’m doing just about whatever to pass the time with others. Yet, I cannot always go out. I cannot spend all my time with others. As much as it helps me, I still have to come home and sleep and relax some. Then there’s the tension. The unhappiness in the air. The struggle to keep the peace. That’s a battle I always seem to be losing lately. It tears me apart. I try and try to make things better, to make people happier and instead, I go to sleep with a heavy heart. I ache for a better day the next day. I ache for even just one joke or nice word from someone passing by. I thrive on these. Mostly because for some reason lately, I feel like I’m failing. The one thing I’ve always tried to do(make other people happy) just doesn’t seem to be working anymore. And well, that makes it hard to be happy myself. I know, I know, I’m not supposed to just thrive on others and others can’t make me truly happy. That’s not what I’m doing here. I’m just simply trying to thrive on others. I’m trying to survive on my own. I’m trying to take the good things about myself and make them better, bring them out and show myself that I’m a good person. Yet, the good things about myself never seem to be good enough to satisfy. This opens an entirely new area of hidden thoughts. Even hidden to myself sometimes. I know that I’ve had my issues to over come in the past. And I’ve overcome them. Yet, sometimes I don’t overcome them so much as shove them into a deep dark corner of my mind that I bury with happy thoughts and laughter. The only time they get drudged up are when I don’t have the happy thoughts and laughter to keep them buried. And when there seems to be so much sadness that it reminds me that I’m burying things myself. I’m running from myself every time I reach for that door handle. I’m ignoring myself every time I laugh at memories. Yet sometimes, I do need to run and ignore. Because these daunting thoughts aren’t always true. Many times, they are cruel ways of making myself think I’m not good enough even though I know I am. It’s a sick and twisted road to happiness. Those who find their way to true smiles have been through their share of tears and pain. Once we make it to the end, we know what that smile really feels like. And we know we’ve earned it.

Floating Thoughts

I came to the realization last night that I have nothing tying me down in one place. I have no reason to stay where I am. Sure, I have many great friends. But it’s been proven that our friendship can handle the distance. (And if it can’t handle the distance or anything else of the matter than the friendship isn’t as strong as I thought it was.) So this is also fueling my thoughts of change. This is pushing me to figure out what I need to do for myself. I found myself telling someone today that “I take care of myself”. Of course it was said in a joking manner and in regards to a different subject, but none the less, it is very true. I am the one who has to live with myself and my choices. So of course I need to do what is best for me. Now…just to figure that out…

Floating Thoughts

I came to the realization last night that I have nothing tying me down in one place. I have no reason to stay where I am. Sure, I have many great friends. But it’s been proven that our friendship can handle the distance. (And if it can’t handle the distance or anything else of the matter than the friendship isn’t as strong as I thought it was.) So this is also fueling my thoughts of change. This is pushing me to figure out what I need to do for myself. I found myself telling someone today that “I take care of myself”. Of course it was said in a joking manner and in regards to a different subject, but none the less, it is very true. I am the one who has to live with myself and my choices. So of course I need to do what is best for me. Now…just to figure that out…

Sweeping Thoughts

So…now I have a summer job. And it is a grueling one at that. Eight long hours a day to sleep and clean a plant. But the pay is decent and there’s plenty of people to occasionally talk to. Now, being an accident-prone human being, I have gained a few scratches and bruises of course but the thing that has gotten me is just how exhausted this job makes me. Three days in and my hands feel bruised, my feet can’t stop crying every time I stand on them and every muscle in my body aches. Yet, in some sort of odd way, it is kind of that good ache. It’s the physical exhaustion that makes it kind of easier to fall asleep at night. This job gives me plenty of time to think. Now, most of the time it is just random spurts of thoughts, nothing to right down about. But sometimes, it’s actual thoughts that possess my mind. Like thinking about the next three years. Thinking about where I’m destined to be. If I’m where I’m supposed to be. Or if maybe, just maybe, there is some sort of change that I need to complete. I’ve been feeling like this time in my life is just a big change filled with all these little changes that add up. And now, I feel as if maybe in the next year or so, I’ll be making another choice, another change. I’ll always wonder if I’m where I’m supposed to be in life, if I’m headed in the right direction. I know everything happens for a reason and I am always where I am supposed to be but I can’t help wondering about the right direction. Am I making the right choice? I know it will all work out how it is supposed to, how it is destined to. But I know that I make the choices. I live with the thoughts and consequences. (Still holding onto the fact that everything happens how it’s supposed to). I guess I just can’t help wishing I knew how it was all going to work out. But I know that would ruin the fun of thoughts and choices. So, tomorrow morning I will rise (somewhat) bright and early and I will head to the job that keeps my feet moving(all…day…long) and wonder what thoughts will occur next…Till then, time to find reason behind the thoughts…

Falling Dreamer

You know how hard it is to just be a “friend” when you don’t feel like you are just a “friend”. You know how hard it is to ignore the feelings that haunt your every move. You know how hard it is to push away these thoughts just to try to help you with your problems…maybe so somehow I’ll feel better myself. Or maybe so you’ll realize that I really haven’t gone anywhere. That I’m still here. That I’m not going anywhere, I couldn’t even if I tried. Maybe somewhere deep down in I’m hoping that you still do love me. I know it’ll never happen but…well I’ve always been a hopeless romantic. I’ve always been a dreamer. I sometimes say soaring dreamer but who am I fooling…I’m a falling dreamer. 

Falling Dreamer...Always

You know how hard it is to just be a “friend” when you don’t feel like you are just a “friend”. You know how hard it is to ignore the feelings that haunt your every move. You know how hard it is to push away these thoughts just to try to help you with your problems…maybe so somehow I’ll feel better myself. Or maybe so you’ll realize that I really haven’t gone anywhere. That I’m still here. That I’m not going anywhere, I couldn’t even if I tried. Maybe somewhere deep down in I’m hoping that you still do love me. I know it’ll never happen but…well I’ve always been a hopeless romantic. I’ve always been a dreamer. I sometimes say soaring dreamer but who am I fooling…I’m a falling dreamer.

Falling Dreamer

I’m not sure where to start. Maybe with the fact that I knew from the beginning you would be the one to break my heart. I knew you were the only one who had ever had the power to. I just didn’t know that when the time came, you would actually be gentle about it. And I still didn’t know it would hurt this bad for this long. I knew you’d find someone better. I always knew I wouldn’t be good enough. And now it’s confirmed. It’s obvious you want her over me. Part of me doesn’t understand. I’m willing to let it all pass. She isn’t. She’s not willing to let a “nothing” go. But it’s her you want. Not me. Her. And it honestly doesn’t surprise me. I mean I always knew I would be the one to lose. So why does it still hurt so bad. You’re still in my life. Just as a friend though. That’s all you’ll ever be. I’ll never get to tell you how I still love you. I’ll never get to hear you say that again. I’ll never get to look at you the way I’ve always wanted to. And I’ll never get that look back. It’s not just that you want her…it’s that you don’t want me anymore. I don’t even know if you ever did. I believe what you’ve told me. You swear you’ve never lied to me. And I believe you…I just can’t trust anyone right now. So, it’s all twisted. I don’t know if I should believe you but I know that that is what I want. I want to trust you, I want to continue to believe you. And I know that no matter what, I don’t want to lose you. Not even as a friend. I’ve known that I always wanted you in my life, one way or another. Sometimes, it doesn’t really hurt that much. Then suddenly, all I want to do it cry. All I want to do is be able to tell you all that I feel. But “friends” don’t feel the way I feel. Right now, I just want to find a way to get over you. To just be able to let all of this go. To move on, like I need to. I need to just be able to let you go the way that I know you. Teach myself how to know you as just a friend. But right now, I can’t.  Right now, everything reminds me of you. Nearly every song on the radio has some sort of lyric that reminds me of you. (The Fray, then Kelly Clarkson) “I want you to move on so I’m already gone.” There’s more from this song that reminds me but it’s almost as if this line is one you’re wanting to say me. You’ve already moved on. You’re already gone from that part of my life so now it’s just time for me to move on. Eventually I will, I know I will. Just like I know that everything happens for a reason. And I’m the understanding one anyway. You’ve always told me that. And I do understand. Just probably not in the way that you think I do. I understand that I’m not meant to have you in my life the way I want to. I understand that life goes on. I understand that everything happens for a reason and that I just have to live with it.

To Call Oneself A Friend, How?

I’m not sure where to start. Maybe with the fact that I knew from the beginning you would be the one to break my heart. I knew you were the only one who had ever had the power to. I just didn’t know that when the time came, you would actually be gentle about it. And I still didn’t know it would hurt this bad for this long. I knew you’d find someone better. I always knew I wouldn’t be good enough. And now it’s confirmed. It’s obvious you want her over me. Part of me doesn’t understand. I’m willing to let it all pass. She isn’t. She’s not willing to let a “nothing” go. But it’s her you want. Not me. Her. And it honestly doesn’t surprise me. I mean I always knew I would be the one to lose. So why does it still hurt so bad. You’re still in my life. Just as a friend though. That’s all you’ll ever be. I’ll never get to tell you how I still love you. I’ll never get to hear you say that again. I’ll never get to look at you the way I’ve always wanted to. And I’ll never get that look back. It’s not just that you want her…it’s that you don’t want me anymore. I don’t even know if you ever did. I believe what you’ve told me. You swear you’ve never lied to me. And I believe you…I just can’t trust anyone right now. So, it’s all twisted. I don’t know if I should believe you but I know that that is what I want. I want to trust you, I want to continue to believe you. And I know that no matter what, I don’t want to lose you. Not even as a friend. I’ve known that I always wanted you in my life, one way or another. Sometimes, it doesn’t really hurt that much. Then suddenly, all I want to do it cry. All I want to do is be able to tell you all that I feel. But “friends” don’t feel the way I feel. Right now, I just want to find a way to get over you. To just be able to let all of this go. To move on, like I need to. I need to just be able to let you go the way that I know you. Teach myself how to know you as just a friend. But right now, I can’t.  Right now, everything reminds me of you. Nearly every song on the radio has some sort of lyric that reminds me of you. (The Fray, then Kelly Clarkson) “I want you to move on so I’m already gone.” There’s more from this song that reminds me but it’s almost as if this line is one you’re wanting to say me. You’ve already moved on. You’re already gone from that part of my life so now it’s just time for me to move on. Eventually I will, I know I will. Just like I know that everything happens for a reason. And I’m the understanding one anyway. You’ve always told me that. And I do understand. Just probably not in the way that you think I do. I understand that I’m not meant to have you in my life the way I want to. I understand that life goes on. I understand that everything happens for a reason and that I just have to live with it. 

Insight of Who We Were...

It’s always a weird feeling, looking into the past…it’s almost as if I’m looking into someone else’s life. I remember all of this. (Well most of it.) I remember the feelings I had when I was writing those words, line after line. I remember wondering what my life would be like, years from then. I dreamt about my future(I still do). And it’s really weird to look back on it and remember those dreams and ponders. I mean, some of those dreams were about my life where I stand right now. Sure, I didn’t know which college I would be in(I know part of me wanted as far away as possible). But, it is still so…weird(only word that fits!) that some of those dreams I had did come true(like keeping in touch with some friends while going off and making new ones and making myself) while others just didn’t come through(like keeping all of my friends and some other dreams of course). But no matter what dreams came true and what dreams didn’t, I still find myself re-reading those lines and diving back into who I was all those years ago…

We spend so much of our life and time just trying to look forward. Trying to get ahead, even trying to get away from the past. We spend so much of our time trying to “find ourselves”. But the truth is, just looking at who you’ve been all these years is who you really are. There is no “finding ourselves.” We already are. We don’t need books or other people to tell us who we are. Music may be helpful in figuring some things out but it doesn’t tell us who we are or who we’ll be. It just helps us to understand better. Sure, we can relate to others and to the characters we see on television and movies. But that isn’t who we are. The past is the only true revealer of who we are. Not necessarily because of what happened or who we knew. But because all along, that has been us living our own life. It hasn’t been some stranger or alien put in our body from outerspace. It has been us, the same exact person from the beginning. So, no matter how much we change or try to get away from our past, that is and will always be who we are. We can’t run from it. We can’t hide it(well maybe to others but not from ourselves). Each moment that passes is also a part of who we are. What I wrote in the beginning of this is part of the past. And yet, it is still a part of who I am. I’m not running anymore from what has happened. I’m not denying the past. Sure, I’m still not willing to embrace it head on, but I’m also not going to run from the truth.

Road Runner

I'm the type of person who is continuously needing something to do. And I don't mean just a project but something that I am working towards or for. I just finished my freshman year of college(and celebrated by shopping with a friend) so now, I have a couple days to just relax(I move home tomorrow). Already, my mind is thinking about all the things I want to do this summer and beyond. I've been planning on getting a summer job. It is something that I really want and really need(college isn't cheap). It's a little crazy. I'm not really even giving myself the chance to just relax(I'm already kind of bored today). I'm so antsy just to get out there and get a job and earn some money and do something with myself. I mean yes, I am growing and learning and changing just with college(and it's all great) but summer isn't something that I just want to lay around wasting away. I want to do things, go places. I'm just the type of person who can't sit around for long. And lately, it's been getting worse. Not only am I wanting to get out and do things, I'm also wanting to stand up for myself and learn the truth. I'm ready to put myself out there and find things out for myself. I know that I've been saying I need to know the truth for a while now, but I've just been so scared to do anything about it. Now, I know that that was a mistake I've been making. So, slowly but surely, I need to start asking the questions. Getting the answers. Living my life, the crazy pace that it is.

A Lesson For The Lost One

Lately, a lot has happened. In the past year and especially in the past month. I knew this year would be one of change but I wasn't prepared for this much. I was eager for some change but some of it I did resist. In the past month, my life has felt nearly upside down. (Maybe even more than a month.) My life is continuously changing. I'm getting close to the end of my freshman year of college(who would'a thunk?) and summer is within sight(only a week!). It's bittersweet in several ways. Freshman year of college is a once in a lifetime thing. And it flew by. Sometimes I wish I could have taken more advantage of it but then again, the way it went is just how it was supposed to. Lately, I've been thinking a lot. About what I want to do once I graduate. Well, more like what I would really like to happen because we all know life does not always go according to our plan. I've also been thinking about a lot of what has changed. I have to say first, we always tend to drudge up the bad before the good. So that is where my mind goes first when I think of change. I have to admit (although I really haven't until now), I fell out of touch some(not a lot but enough to hurt) with someone who is the ultimate influence in my life. Here I am at this prestigious Christian college and of course what happens? I begin to feel this horrible strain on my relationship with God. It's terrible and I hate admitting it but it is the truth. And I have to admit the truth. But, with everything that has happened lately(as in the past couple weeks) I am feeling us growing closer. And this proves what I have always believed in. Everything happens for a reason. Yes, it hurts like hell, it hurts so unbelievably much, to know(not think anymore) that I am losing something. I'll never be over it. Never ever be over any of it. I don't lose people well in my life. Especially ones who have had an impact on my life. But right now, I  am coming to terms with it all. I know that right now, the best thing is space. The thing that I need most for myself is space from all of this(and there is much that I am talking about). I need to be able to clear my mind and let God lead me through his path. I know I have heard that some people will walk in and out of your life. I've just never handled the "walking out" part too well. And usually, it has happened over distance. This is so close. It is right here. But, I am still willing to let God do His will. It is hard on me but I feel like there is nothing else I can do on my own. Not right now. I did what I thought I needed for all of it. Now, I'm letting Him lead me through. I always believe that everything happens for a reason. And it is so true that when He closes one door, he opens another one first. He has put others in my life that have lightened it. That have made it easier on me. Made me feel less alone. Making friends(true, till the end friends) have been always difficult for me to make. I am a private person. I don't divulge well. But yet, I have been given this gift of others. Ones similar to me yet still different. They have made me happy again. For a while(and still) I have been finding it hard to keep a smile. This isn't exaggeration. This is simple truth. There is so much stress on me right now that that is all that I can see. This tunnel gets dimmer and dimmer for me everyday. Yet, when I look to my side, I see those with the lantern to light the way. This is how it's always gone for me. When I feel myself wandering down a dark path and it feels like my own light has blown, all I have to do is actually turn and I will see someone walking by my side either with their own light or a match to re-light mine. It's getting myself to turn my head to see this. I pride myself on being "independent" and "strong" even if I know I'm not. This is where I get myself into trouble. I am a stubborn, paranoid person. I'm too scared to even thinking of relying on someone else, leaning on them just to catch myself. Yet, we all need someone to pick us up sometimes. I stumble a lot. I fall many many times. Yet, I never want to ask for help. I always wait until it's too late. Instead of asking for someone to catch me before I fall, I don't look around for help until I have fallen so much I can't get up anymore on my own. This is what I do. This is how I am. Yet, I am learning. I am learning that sometimes it is okay to lean on someone, to let go sometimes. I desire to be carefree, trusting. Yet, I struggle. I struggle so much that sometimes it has been hard for me to trust my creator. I want to have sole control of myself because I don't trust anyone else. Yet, He is not just anyone else. Without Him, there wouldn't be a me so it isn't even logical for me to think I am the only one in control of my life. Yes, I do hold control. But only momentary control. He holds forever control. This is my lesson to myself: I know I cannot trust others well, I know I am hurting and losing and changing. I know I am scared(beyond belief). I know things are not what I imagined right now. I know I have problems. But I also know that through the darkness, through all the stumbles and falls, through everything bad and everything at all, I have so much to live for. No matter what happens, someone always steps in and saves me when it is getting too tough for me to handle on my own. So, no matter the questions or doubt or terror I have, He has His reasons. He is in control, yet he let's me make my own path. He let's me learn from my own mistakes. I couldn't ask for anything more. Everything happens for a reason...

"Just Another Forward"...Or Maybe Not...

One day, when I was a freshman in high school,
I saw a kid from my class was walking home from school.  
His name was Kyle.
It looked like he was carrying all of his books.
I thought to myself, 'Why would anyone bring home all his books on a Friday?
He must really be a nerd.'
I had quite a weekend planned (parties and a football game with my friends tomorrow afternoon), so I shrugged my shoulders and went on.
As I was walking, I saw a bunch of kids running toward him.
They ran at him, knocking all his books out of his arms and tripping him so he landed in the dirt.
His glasses went flying, and I saw them land in the grass about ten feet from him...
He looked up and I saw this terrible sadness in his eyes
My heart went out to him. So, I jogged over to him as he crawled around looking for his glasses, and I saw a tear in his eye.
As I handed him his glasses, I said, 'Those guys are jerks.'
They really should get lives.
' He looked at me and said, 'Hey thanks!'
There was a big smile on his face.
It was one of those smiles that showed real gratitude.
I helped him pick up his books, and asked him where he lived.
As it turned out, he lived near me, so I asked him why I had never seen him before..
He said he had gone to private school before now.
I would have never hung out with a private school kid before.
We talked all the way home, and I carried some of his books.
He turned out to be a pretty cool kid.
I asked him if he wanted to play a little football with my friends
He said yes.
We hung out all weekend and the more I got to know Kyle, the more I liked him, and my friends thought the same of him.
Monday morning came, and there was Kyle with the huge stack of books again.
I stopped him and said, 'Boy, you are gonna really build some serious muscles with this pile of books everyday!
' He just laughed and handed me half the books.
Over the next four years, Kyle and I became best friends..
When we were seniors we began to think about college.
Kyle decided on Georgetown and I was going to Duke.
I knew that we would always be friends, that the miles would never
be a problem.
He was going to be a doctor and I was going for business on a football scholarship..
Kyle was valedictorian of our class.
I teased him all the time about being a nerd.
He had to prepare a speech for graduation.
I was so glad it wasn't me having to get up there and speak
Graduation day, I saw Kyle.
He looked great.
He was one of those guys that really found himself during high school...
He filled out and actually looked good in glasses.
He had more dates than I had and all the girls loved him.
Boy, sometimes I was jealous!
Today was one of those days.
I could see that he was nervous about his speech.
So, I smacked him on the back and said, 'Hey, big guy, you'll be great!'
He looked at me with one of those looks (the really grateful one) and smiled.
' Thanks,' he said.
As he started his speech, he cleared his throat, and began
'Graduation is a time to thank those who helped you make it through those tough years.
Your parents, your teachers, your siblings, maybe a coach...but mostly your friends.....
I am here to tell all of you that being a friend to someone is the best gift you can give them.
I am going to tell you a story.'
I just looked at my friend with disbelief as he told the
first day we met.
He had planned to kill himself over the weekend.
He talked of how he had cleaned out his locker so his Mom wouldn't have to do it later and was carrying his stuff home.
He looked hard at me and gave me a little smile.
'Thankfully, I was saved.
My friend saved me from doing the unspeakable...'
I heard the gasp go through the crowd as this handsome, popular boy told us all about his weakest moment.
I saw his Mom and dad looking at me and smiling that same grateful smile.
Not until that moment did I realize it's depth.
Never underestimate the power of your actions..
With one small gesture you can change a person's life.
For better or for worse......
God puts us all in each others lives to impact one another in some way.
Look for God in others.

A Fine Frenzy~Elements

You show up like a hurricane, all hungry-eyed and weather-stained
The clock forgets to tick and I the same

I died the day you disappeared, so why would you be welcome here?
Ride the wind that brought you back away

No you can't come in
No you can't come in

I cannot stop my rebel hands from pulling out the pots and pans
I left you in the cold until you shook

You're gentle now, but I recall
Both tender fire and bitter squall
A history so deep it hurts to look

No you can't come in
No you can't come in
No you can't
You can't come in

If the sea should swallow up my house
I will turn my rooftop inside out and the wind will be wailing
But I will be sailing faster

Oh the elements I do not fear but I fall apart when you appear
Cos you are the greatest
The greatest disaster

If the sea should swallow up my house
I will turn my rooftop inside out and the wind will be wailing
But I will be sailing faster

Linkin Park~No More Sorrow

Linkin Park-No More Sorrow

Are you lost
In your lies
Do you tell yourself I don't realize

Your crusade's a disguise
Replace freedom with fear
You trade money for lives

I'm aware of what you've done

[Chorus:]
No more sorrow
I've paid for your mistakes
Your time is borrowed
Your time has come to be replaced

I see pain
I see need
I see liars and thieves
Abuse power with greed

I had hope
I believed
But I'm beginning to think that I've been deceived

You will pay for what you've done

[Chorus]

Thieves and hypocrites
Thieves and hypocrites
Thieves and hypocrites

[Chorus x2]

Your time has come to be replaced
Your time has come to be erased 

Lost and Confused

Just when I start getting used to something, start to get over it...it creeps back up and haunts me. It gets thrown in my face. It crushes me. Makes me question every thought and possible form of logic I've had lately. I tried to tell myself it didn't matter, that it was all for the best. Yet, it still haunts me. It's still there. And it still hurts. It takes me from being confident in myself to completely in pieces. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to think. I feel like I'm continuously losing and I can't do anything to stop it. I've become a crazy mess. I feel as if things are too far out of my control right now...and I don't know when I'll regain control...

I Hate This Feeling

I hate the skip in my heart, the undying steady fall of tears, the feeling of losing control. I hate not knowing what is going to happen or how it is all going to go. I hate feeling like I can't do anything, can't fix everything. I hate the stress that overwhelms me and keeps me awake. I hate the fleeting thoughts that split my mind. I hate the lack of focus, the surplus of thoughts. I hate feeling like my heart has just suck to the bottom, weighed down with leaden stress. I hate knowing I'm losing something I once cherished. I hate wondering if I was fooled all along. I hate feeling like I'm losing my mind, losing my sanity, losing my happiness. I hate feeling alone when I'm surrounded. I hate being so guarded, yet being so readable. I hate feeling like I'm hiding, like I have to hide. I hate wondering, not knowing, hurting, feeling too much. I hate being scared, always being scared. I hate being fooled. I hate the lies life shoves down my throat. I hate the lies I tell just to make people think I'm okay. I hate the hidden tears, the fake smiles. I hate this pain, this undeniable pain, this heart-wrenching pain, this...pain.

Midnight Talks

Rain and Windshield wipers. Lights and Passer-byes. Late nights talks wherever you are. It doesn't matter who says what. It doesn't matter the circumstance. What matters is knowing you're there each other. Friendship is a meaningful bond, never to be underestimated. The stories we tell, the secrets we keep. Even the fights and disagreements. It's worth it all. I couldn't be me without those who care for me. Those willing to give up some of there time to just sit with me, run around in the brisk wind while I attempt to take pictures of something they don't even fully understand. I try not to ask for too much, or much of anything for that matter. But each and everything you do for me, is cherished even if it isn't obvious. These are the moments I live for, the ones where I know I am cherished...

No Home

The earth shakes. 

Rattling through me like a hurricane. 

The rain pours. 

Drowning me in its tears. 

Lightning strikes. 

Tearing through my heart. 

Ripping it like it was never there. 

The earth calms. 

Showing the damage it possesses. 

I look down. 

My mangled heart beating raggedly. 

I beg it, just one more beat. 

Just enough time to get me home. 

Get me to the place of solace. 

My eyes look with such sadness. 

And emptiness. 

There is no such place. 

My lips tell me so. 

There is not home for the broken soul.

Darkened Tears

I suck at love. I make all the wrong moves. Fall down all the wrong paths. I found that there is such a thing as loving too much. This is what I do. I love someone with all that I have then I fail somehow and they get to take it all away. And then all I’m left with are the tears and the darkness. I’m a winner at losing. And yet, even with everything, somehow I still want to love. I know how it’s going to end. The same way it always has. Empty dark and depressing. Yet I’m still doing it. Still putting myself in the way of love's daggers. And I haven’t been able to dodge a single one. Each and every time I’ve been pierced right through. Yet I’m a hopeless romantic. Emphasis on the hopeless...

I'm Not Ready For The Past...

I haven't thought about you in a while. I made it this way. I've kept myself busy to the point of not being able to take more than a minute to let you cross my mind. I'm still busy. There is plenty I should and could be doing right now. But instead, somehow, you made your way into my mind and I can't dislodge you...I don't like this. I'm supposed to be able to hold my head high and say I'm not hurting anymore. I'm supposed to be over you. But the truth is, I know I'm not. No matter how much I try to hide it, no matter how many times I tell myself, I'm just simply not over you. And it's killing me...because right now all I want is to say I'm over you and have it be true. Not because I actually want to be over you or anything. But simply because I don't want to keep telling myself things that makes it seem like its true when it isn't. I just want to be able to say I am fine and have it be true. Because the truth right now is that I am mostly fine. But it's that little part of me that misses you so utterly much. It's that little part of me that is bringing down the rest of me. I forced it all into this little corner of my heart just so that maybe, just maybe I wouldn't feel it as much. But it's still there. And it wants to take over again. But I can't let it. Because I can't have what I want right now. And what I want is for you to be back in my life. You made my life better. No matter what the truth is, I will always remember that the "you" that I knew made my life so much better than it had been in a while. The "you" I knew made me believe in true love, in a love that I can have. I believed that someone could truly love me for who I was and show me that they do. That was the "you" that I knew. And the "you" that I miss. That's the "you" I want back. The "you" I need...I miss you. I can't ever take back the way I've felt. I'll always feel this way. And no matter whether that "you" is real or not...it's the "you" that saved me from the "me" that tore me apart. "You" opened my eyes to who I really am. And now, I just keep seeing who I really am. I was buried underneath everything, scared to do anything for myself. Scared to be me. But "you" always encouraged me. "You" always loved me for me. "You" weren't afraid...and you made me less afraid.

Lens of Discovery

Art speaks to me. Not in a way that I can easily explain either. All forms of art do. Photography, words, paintings, music. Anything created from the heart. Maybe this is why it is such a strong connection for me. Because art is not just something we can throw together. Art requires heart and emotion. It requires feeling something. Anything. It's an expression of ourselves. Whether it is our own personal art or someone else's. If we can relate, then it is a part of us. I see myself being attracted to the things not always expected. Nature is always beautiful and I love to capture it. But there is something in breaking it apart and finding what people don't always notice. Seeing what makes it what it is. I think I relate so well because I have a tendency to break everything apart. I break people down and see what makes them who they are. I do this with art, nature, and myself as well. Each and every photo of mine that I feel a connection to is a piece of myself that I have broken down. All day, art has been on my mind. This need to create and develop. Break down and make. I feel myself changing. Maybe not even really changing, but developing into who I really am. The me I've always been meant to be. Through art, I can do anything, I can be anything. Above all, I can be me.

A friend once told me i was a silent cry for help. We both laughed when she said it...but we both also knew she was right...

Beyond...

Sometimes we have to look deeper than just what we see. Sometimes it takes removing the color from life, everything we know and take for granted, just to see the truth that lies beneath. Sometimes it takes more than we're willing to give just to get what we need most...the truth...
Sometimes it takes us through so much pain and we just don't understand why. We can question everything. Pulling it apart and tearing it to pieces until we just can't do anymore. But eventually we have to face the facts that it's just not explainable. Everything happens for a reason. I've stood by this my entire life. I don't even know how. All I know is that I believe it with everything. What else can I put my faith in? I know there is an eternal purpose for everything and everyone so why doubt? Why even let myself begin to believe that I can allow myself to question things beyond my control. Trust me. I've wanted to question. And I have. But I always come to the same conclusion. That things are out of my control. But not in a chaotic way. But in a planned sort of way. That it will all work out. 
Trust me, this isn't easy, believing this. But it's how it is. There are so many things in my past that make me wonder. I wish that they had of gone different ways. But at the same time I don't wish for anything to change. I don't regret. I don't have time to regret. Time keeps going. I can't make it stop. I can't make it go backwards either. All I can do is just keep going along with it...

Some Changes...

It's a sad reality but I think I have to face the facts. Some things just aren't meant to be. It's sad and tears me apart but maybe it's for the best. I'd rather realize the truth now then have to hurt even more later on. I deserve better. I know this is true. I'm not afraid anymore. I'm not going to let myself get hurt anymore. I'm not going to let myself get blamed anymore either. I'm just going to let myself be. I deserve it...
I've let myself get hurt enough simply because I couldn't handle letting go. I was afraid of losing someone important to me. I'm still afraid of it. But the truth is, I can't force something that isn't meant to be. It hurts me to say this. But I think it may be true. Some people walk into our lives and change us forever. But some of those people walk back out. It's going to hurt, especially if it does go down this dividing path. But I'll be better off. I'm glad this one(what should be little) incident has opened my eyes. It's going to be tough and it's going to keep hurting. But I can live with it. I'm better off...

Fade

I have no direction for this. I have no clear thought in my mind. I only have the jumble of thoughts cascading through. Well, more like tearing through and making it all seem like one crazy blur. I have no way of thinking clearly right now. I just want to fade into the mist, fade into the crowd. I don't want anyone to come looking, I don't want anyone to read too deeply into my thoughts, words, or facial expressions. I just want to be alone. I want to be alone because I don't want to have to worry about hurting anyone anymore. It seems like I've done that to so many people in my past. I ache to get close, to have that unbreakable bond. But then I get this pulling. This need to block myself and keep this barricade that no one else can get into. I do this to protect myself and to protect others. I can't let someone in without always being scared. I have this horrible tendency to begin to open up and get comfortable with someone then this unavoidable fear comes and clams me back up. I want to grow close, but I just need my privacy. I need my wall to stay in place. Because I can't handle the thought of hurting others. Of getting just close enough and then causing them to pull away. So instead I pull away. I've worked for so long to keep this facade working that I can't just let it go. I don't want to. It is my comfort, my solace. Even though it is fake, it is the only thing that I feel is always there, always real for me. Because no matter what anyone tells me. No matter how much they tell me they care and support and love me, I can't trust. I can't believe that there is someone who can handle the true me and all my problems. And I most certainly can't trust myself not to mess things up. I have so many times before. It is just a fact of my life. I can't stand how many mistakes I have made. Yet I feel like I keep making them. Which is why I pull away. Although that may be a huge mistake that I have made, it is the only thing I can do. The only way that I can keep myself from shattering too much.

I don't even know...

I've tried to figure it out. I've gone down the entire list of possibilities. I've thought it through and through. The only thing I can come up with is that you've taken it personal. No matter what I've told you, you must not have listened clear enough. I've explained it several times and yet you still don't seem to understand. Now, I can't get through to you, I feel like I can't even be around you. You've shut me out and the only reason I can see why is because you don't understand and you're not even trying. It's not me with a problem. Sure, I've had my issues. But I've told you them. I tried to explain them to you. Even recently. Yet for some reason you think I'm taking something out on you. You act like I don't want to be near you so you push me away. If you include me, it's only as an afterthought. How am I supposed to react when this is how it is? I can't just brush it off and act like nothing is wrong. Not now. Not when you treat me like you can't stand me and like you're mad at me. I don't even feel like I did anything wrong, I've gone over it a million times in my head and still can't figure out if I did do something wrong. The only thing I've come up with is what I've already told you. And also the fact that just because I don't follow you around everywhere doesn't put me up for worst friend of the year. Some things are becoming clearer, while others, I just don't know. I guess I'll try to let the pieces fall where they may, maybe you'll see soon enough. I've tried to explain, I've tried to be the best I can be, now just let me be myself...

It is at the edge of a petal that love waits.

Breaking Benjamin~Until The End

So clever, whatever, I'm done with these endeavors

Alone I'll walk the winding way (here I stay)

It's over, no longer, I feel it growing stronger 

I live to die another day, until I fade away

Why give up? Why give in?

It's not enough, it never is

So I will go on until the end

We've become, desolate

It's not enough, it never is

But I will go on until the end

Surround me, it's easy, to fall apart completely 

I feel you creeping up again (In my Head)

It's over, no longer, I feel it growing colder

I knew this day would come to end, so let this life begin

Why give up? Why give in?

It's not enough, it never is

So I will go on until the end

We've become, desolate

It's not enough, it never is

But I will go on until the end

I've lost my way

I've lost my way 

But I will go on until the end

Living is, hard enough, without you fucking UP.........

Why give up? Why give in?

It's not enough, it never is

So I will go on until the end

We've become, desolate

It's not enough, it never is

But I will go on until the end

I've lost the way

I've lost the way

But I will go on until the end

The final fight I win

The final fight I win

The final fight I win

But I will go on until the end

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_sK2pp2Vkto

Built Barriers

I've always been the type to want to build walls around myself. Not only to hide but also to try and see who would notice and, well, try to get through. But through building these walls, I've become somewhat shut down. And honestly, that's how I've wanted it. So, that is not my thought. I am not wanting to just knock everything down and welcome people in. It scares me way too much. I have many reasons behind this.
But, I've noticed lately that through building these walls, it has made it harder for me to help those like me. Now, I love helping people. I really do. But when it comes to the things that really hit home, the things the are buried deep behind these barriers, it makes it harder for me to help others. It hurts me. I feel like I'm not doing all that I should to help those who I want to. But I also can't just open myself up. It's not like I have deep, terrible, to the grave secrets. Well, okay, yes I do have some. But it's also mostly just things I'd rather not open up. I am a private person by nature. Sometimes I need someone to vent to. But I can't just disperse everything. Or even much. So, I say this all with thinking that no matter how much I want to help someone, I can't always give all the help I need/want to because that involves giving a piece of me. Something I can't do easily. I've already given too many pieces of myself away to people I care about simply because I care about them. It scares me to give away anything, open up anything. The fact that I have(no matter what it is) scares me even more. I've always loved the fact of having those friends I can tell things to. And sure, I've told my closest friends many "secrets". Just not the thoughts I hold most. I can't...

"That'll Be Two Pennies"

Change is tough. I'm saying this from experience. I like change. I like new things. But I also don't like the possibility of losing something. It scares me to think I'm going to have to leave something behind, let something(or even someone go). Yet, I do still welcome it. I think the closer I get to finally figuring everything out, the further I begin to pull from others. I've known since I began moving around that I would always be the type to move(at least until I found the perfect place). I've also always known that the only place I feel I can call home, isn't where I am now. That is another change to come. Figuring out where I'm going from here. There is a quote that I read once, I don't remember it perfectly but I felt it hit home.
"Change is easy. It's what you leave behind that's hard."
And it is so true. I am not the type of person that handles losing others well. I never have and I never will. So yes, all those that used to be in my life and aren't anymore, I miss you. Terribly so. I know that many times it was because of change on my part. Just the flow of life that led to this divide. But, I don't want you, or anyone, to ever think that I forget. Because I don't.
It's just the fact that change is so difficult. And maybe I accept change so openly that it shuts me off to the past some..

Dirt Paths

I’ve had some difficulties lately. And I’ve had some questions too. I’ve gotten a few answers now although I still have some questions. But now I’m seeing the path ahead a little clearer now. I’m still not completely clear cut on who I am and what I’ll be. I won’t know that until I’m resting eternally. Yes, it’s scary to not know if I’ll ever complete all I’m meant to and fulfill all my wishes. But I’ve always believed it’s all a part of the journey. I’ve been weaving through the paths for years now. I’ve made mistakes and made great choices. But, I’ve continuously learned. Most recently, I’ve learned more about my future. Well, I can only guess I have. Because the future is something we will never know. 

Heart Ache

My heart aches every time I see another photographer's work, some great photo, or read an amazing book. My heart aches because this is what I want. It's not like I want to be famous. I just want to be an amazing photographer and writer. I want to create beautiful photos. I want my breath taken away when I look at something I did. I want to learn. And excel. And just be great at this. I have this undying passion that I want to grasp and run with. I want to get out there. Put myself out there. My heart seriously aches for needing to get out there and do something with my life. Something I am passionate for. Something that resembles me and proves that yes, all these years have added up to something. That I have worked and succeeded. I'm tired of going in this endless rut of feeling like I'm not going anywhere. I look at the photos I've done in the past year. Yes, I have improved. Yes, I am learning. But I don't feel like I'm going anywhere with it right now. I just want to get out there. I need to get out there. I'm afraid that if I don't grasp it and take photography full on, I'll lose some of my passion, and my drive for it. I can't lose it. I've never felt such a pull towards something. This is what I need to do with my life. I feel like that huge life question has been answered for me and I just want to fulfill it. I need to...

Where Am I Going?

I'm the type of person who likes to know the answers. Not only to my questions but to everyone else's too. I get this feeling of accomplishment when I give the right answer or good advice.
I also like to also have a plan. I like to know what is going to happen and when. I like things to be organized and set out.
I'm not sure why I am the way I am. I have theories but I'm not going into those right now. What I have been thinking about is that fact that all my (18 years of) life, I've been guided and helped along the path. I've gone through school, made it out(and decently I may add). I made it into college with help and pursuit of my own. That was all laid out for me in a way. Sure, I could have skipped college and tried to fight my way into a half decent job but that wasn't in the plan that was laid out for me(mostly by myself). Anywho, my point is, everything has been laid out up until now. The answer has always been there, waiting for me to approach it. Now, I'm waiting for the answer to approach me.
Where do I go from here? I have three more years of college. Then what? Sure, go out get a job(or a career I hope) and a place of my own. Easier said than done. There's always been some sort of path laid out. I've always known where I going(at least partially). And I have an idea of what I want to happen with my life. I've had little dreams. But I'm still not sure what is going to happen. Now I'm sure this is normal but I can't help wanting to know things like this.
So, I don't believe it is coincidence that New York City keeps crossing my mind in a variety of ways. I've had on and off again dreams of going there, living there. It was a "plan" of sorts for a while then I went back to being completely unsure. Now, it keeps finding it's way back into my thoughts. I mean, with what I want to do with my life, I need to get somewhere. Small towns will in no way get me where I need to go. And I am a city girl at heart. The adrenaline and life of NYC just excites me. I am pretty sure that I will be visiting there in the next couple of years(for a class). I think that that will help me figure things out better.
I can't help who I am...Someone who likes plans, likes answers, and likes going places.

Gray

It's torn, these feelings I have. I find myself waiting for the next message, reading each and every word time and time again, smiling, laughing, loving every word you say. I can't wait for the time you speak of. I wish for it more than most other things. I dream of it. It makes me happy. Brightens my day.
Yet, there' this other side. This deep sadness that burrows it's way in. The one that starts when those "new messages" aren't from you. And it grows deeper as time goes on. Each time you say when the time comes, I feel a surge of hope then a plummet of sadness. Sadness over the fact that I have to wait, that I don't know how long I have to wait, wondering if "that time" will ever even come...I can't help this sadness. I can't help the tears that form through the smile I wear. I can't help the thoughts that try to shove their way into my mind. I push them as far away as possible. I refuse to even allow myself to think of you for one moment because I'm afraid that it's one moment too much and my heart with grow another ache.
Yet I can't help myself to hope. And to wait for your messages. They're what I look forward to most these days.  I'm afraid I've fooled myself when I said that I was okay. And that I can handle this, and the way things are right now. But right now, I'm finding myself wishing for one end or another. This gray wall is becoming fuzzier as the time goes on...

Rant Session

I just read that a young girl committed suicide because of cyber bullies. Now yesterday I happened to catch some news and all I heard was about these boys beating up girls. All I can think is that this generation really is getting flushed down the toilet. I mean, I'm all for being optimistic and saying we could possibly pull one of the greatest presidents out of this messy array of people. But the other side of the coin is simply the fact that life in America is going downhill. We don't want to accept it(those of us that belong to this generation) because we don't want it to be true. And those from older generations are always pointing it out. Now, I do know someone that has been a great influence on me that always believed in this generation more than anyone I knew even in this generation. That gives me hope. So don't get me wrong, I'm not saying we're 100% doomed to fail and the world is going to fall apart and everyone is going to abandon America and it'll be the new Atlantis but one that no one even wants to try to find...(see, rant session). Anywho...America(and I'm just using us as an example because I know other countries are suffering too) needs help. In countless ways. I mean seriously! Everyone says we're the greatest country ever. Everyone's dying to get here. But, what's going to become of this country if things keep going down the path they are? People are getting more and more creative in their violent ways. (Now, I know I need to do some hardcore researching before I go making my opinions sound like facts so just take it as my observational point of view.) Yes, more violence is being portrayed in entertainment but don't begin to blame movies or video games. After all, who makes them? Huh? They didn't just appear out of dirt! Someone made them. As in a human being. As in now... we have to look at the true cause for why the "great life" is circling the toilet bowl. People are letting it get this bad then turning their heads, saying shame on the "entertainment industry" or whoever the hell they're deciding to blame for it and not doing a single thing about it! They say it's all hopeless. That our generation is just crap and we've ruined it all. Nothing happens over night. We've had serious looming problems for years and years and no one  seems to want to do a damn thing about it. Sure, it's hard. And I don't think just one person can fix it. In fact, I'm afraid we're so screwed that there is no fixing it. But seriously, there has got to be a way lessen the damage. Or what are our kids going to be born into? I'm not even completely sure what I'm ranting about. I just know I'm fed up. I'm fed up with the way people act. They way they think. Or lack of thinking. Now there is another topic. And I think that has a lot to do with it. Americans pride themselves on being the best and most "open" country. Where has that gotten us? And are we truly that great? I mean what is freedom really about? Looking at the person beside you and thinking, "What a waste of space"? I see discrimination and close-mindedness everywhere I look. That is causing such a problem. People turn the other cheek when they see something they don't like and bad mouth it. What is bad mouthing someone going to get you? Obviously not a whole hell of a lot if you look around. People are falling apart and they're dragging the other good-natured humans along with them.

Shuffle

You know those songs that when they come on your player, you just have to listen to them repeatedly. They just catch you and "hit the spot". I have many songs that do that. The majority of them have lyrics that just mean something to me. Well, this is one of those songs that always gets me. I love listening to it. The thing is, there are no lyrics. It is simply beautiful music....

Escala-Requiem For A Tower

Time Is One I Have No Control Over

Why is it so easy to write when I'm sad? Why can't I express my happiness but just have words flow when the tears do? Why can't I say all the things I need to say? Instead I just push them aside and put a smile on my face. Sure, I'm happy. Sure, I'm actually content. I'm okay with the choice you've made. I'm living with it and it's not hurting like it was...but the truth is, there is so much I wish I could say. I just can't right now. The things I feel inside are not feelings for someone who is just a friend. They aren't even for someone who needs a break. They're for someone that I love so much. Not just a fairytale romance, or a teen girl crush. But this deep and undying and undeniable love for another human being. One that cannot simply step to the side. It's like my whole heart goes out for you. I want nothing but your happiness. I want nothing but to be by your side. I had no idea something this deep could be true, that I could feel this way about someone. But I do...and all I can say is I Love You Too...

Late Night Conversations

I'll admit it. I miss you. I miss you a whole hell of a lot. It's one of those "so close yet it feels like so far away" missings. And I know that's not going to change any time soon. But I'd rather it be like this than to even think I'm losing you again. The truth is, I can't say I'm scared enough times to get it out of my system. It's there, always haunting me in any way possible. But the other side of the truth is, I'm getting a little less scared each day. I'm discovering new things and thinking new ways. And even though I was scared I was losing you and might not ever get you in my life the way I want, I've come to the realization that the way it is right now is just fine. I went through a lot of thoughts(and a lot of tears) to get to this point but now that I'm here, I'm more stable than I have been in a long time. It doesn't matter how you're in my life, just as long as you always are.

im always going to be in your life

That's a thought that keeps me smiling before I fall asleep tonight...

Speechless

I sit here, one with a million thoughts
And I realize, not a single one is forming
I try to pull a couple together
And morph it into something
Then I realize what has happened
Once again I find myself speechless
Waiting for the words to come
Soon they will florish
But for right now, I'll just smile...

And The Birds Go Chirp

I woke up at 9:17 this morning to the sound of birds chirping and the sun shining in the window. I have to say, that is a pretty great way to wake up. I didn't get out of bed right away. Instead I laid there for over an hour just thinking. Pretty soon, I had a new story idea in my head. Now, I've told myself I wasn't allowed to start a new story until I finished this one. But when it comes you've at least got to write it down. So, my next thing to do today will be just to do that.
I checked the weather report when I got up this morning and smiled even more. Sunshine and 60 degree weather all day long. How much more perfect can it get? The swings just outside are calling-no, screaming- my name. It's no joke that weather has an effect on us. I can feel my mood shifting with the weather-and that's not too good here in East Tenn because the weather likes to change every five minutes. Either way, I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts...

No Boundaries- (as sung by) Adam Lamber and Kris Allen

Seconds, hours, so many days
You know what you want but how long can you wait?
Every moment lasts forever
When you feel you lost your way

And what if my chances were already gone?
Started believing that I could be wrong
But you give me one good reason
To fight and never walk away

With every step you climb another mountain
Every breath it's harder to believe
You make it through the pain, weather the hurricanes
To get to that one thing

Just when you think the road is going nowhere
Just when you almost gave up on your dreams
They take you by the hand and show you that you can
There are no boundaries!
There are no boundaries!

I fought to the limit to stand on the edge
What if today is as good it gets?
Don't know where the future's headed
But nothing's gonna bring me down

I've jumped every bridge and I've run every line
I've risked being saved but I always knew why
I always knew why!

So hear I am still holding on!

With every step you climb another mountain
Every breath it's harder to believe
You make it through the pain, weather the hurricanes
To get to that one thing

Just when you think the road is going nowhere
Just when you almost gave up on your dreams
They take you by the hand and show you that you can

You can go higher, you can go deeper
There are no boundaries above and beneath you
Break every rule 'cause there's nothing between you and your dreams

With every step you climb another mountain
Every breath it's harder to believe

Yeah! There are no boundaries
There are no boundaries!

With every step you climb another mountain
Every breath it's harder to believe
You make it through the pain, weather the hurricanes
There are no boundaries!
There are no boundaries!
There are no boundaries

Music is like a healing potion. It helps us figure things out. It helps us feel better. Most of all, it helps us answer the questions we can't answer ourselves and speak when we can't speak for ourselves...

I Gotta Admit...

I thought this week was going to be one of the worst of my life. I mean, I seriously thought I was losing two people that meant so much to me. And I've lost people before and just one at a time was terrible enough(still not truly over them). But I knew this time would have been worse. Wayyyy worse. But...something happened. Something to reinforce my "Everything Happens For A Reason" philosophy. Sure, something bad happened. Things that made me cry many many hours. But, as I always know, things will get better. I've referred to life as a roller coaster so many times. And it still stands true. I discovered the other day that I do tend to go through the same things just with different people. And it usually works out one way or another. And I realized that that was how this was going to go. I knew it would just take time to heal. Sure, I am not a patient person but I'm also the type who can't completely lose hope. I always hold on for that one tiny piece...and well even when I thought I should just give up on something, I didn't and I'm glad I didn't.
The fact that I thought this week was going to be one of the worst did not come true. Sure, I had some seriously down moments(especially early in the week) but...I came out of that dark tunnel. And today,(I must use a metaphor simply because I love them) I realized that I still had people backing me up. It truly is amazing just how much friends(of all kinds) can help you to feel better. Sure they did they're little "I'm sorry..." speeches. But the part that helped me the most was the laughter. The everything that just makes a day good. They got my mind off of everything bad and I don't even think they realized that's what they did. And that's what I needed. Sometimes, yes I do need a shoulder or an ear to listen, but most of the time I get through it myself. And what I've learned that I truly need, is just a friend to laugh with. Someone to just...be happy with, even if it is unintentional.
So, now it's Friday. And it's been a long week. A hell of a week. I've been tired, sad, and just simply not really into doing much work for classes. That's the down part. But it is Friday. I have the rest of my life ahead of me. And I have three people back in my life that I couldn't stand to lose. I gotta admit...I thought this was going to be one of the worst weeks of my life...and instead...it's been a pretty damn good week despite it all...