"You"

I have a lot of thoughts. They take me from place to place and emotion to emotion. Some days, I have more hope and confidence than I ever thought possible. And some days, I just have to let myself think and reflect. It's a tough process, making my way through it all. It's not easy. It's not easy to turn your back to one thing and never look back. Sure, I've moved to a whole new state of mind. But there are still pieces of that old place. I take glances every now and then at what used to be. I still think about it. I think about how you treated me. I think about how I treated me. I think about how I looked at life. I thought I had a clear outlook and perspective. Then I realized I was clouded. Now, I feel that it is a bit more accurate and better but I also realize I will never have a clear outlook on life. Not the present, never the future, and not even a complete understanding of the past. I wonder continuously about the unknown. I wonder continuously about what you were thinking, about what you are thinking. I wonder about the questions I have never found the answers to. I wonder about the truths and the lies. I never stop wondering. And sometimes, this gets me down. It's not that it actually makes me sad, but I just get so wrapped up in the thoughts that it's hard to find my way back to reality. I get lost in dreams and in hopes. I get lost thinking about you. Wondering if you're thinking of me. Wondering what you think of me. Will we always be just friends? We we even stay friends. We we move forward or will I lose you. Have I ever had you? Have I ever had me, in a clear understanding. When I look in the past, I see how you, and you, and so many of you, treated me. I see how you treated me good. How you treated me like I wasn't worth a thing, how you used me. I see how you pushed your way back into my life when I so carelessly blinded myself and how you cared for me. Then I look at what I have now. I see how you, the one who ruined me, are no longer in my life. And I see how you, who cared for me and picked me back up, are the rock I lean upon. And I see you, someone I want to carry into my future in at least one way. Which brings me to the unforseeable future. It's best this way really. Yet all I can do is hope that you, the sweet good one, is still there, strong beside me and you, the undeniably hurtful one, is lost among the shadows. I don't know where life is going to take me. I won't know until I get there. But I plan to fight my way there. I will not lose the battle that I have earned the right to wage in. I'm still stronger than I've ever been. I'm a person I love now, to the bottoms of my soul. I'm a happy heart. I am me. And "me" is who I will always be....