I just want to write. I just want to let my emotions roll. I want to get so lost in an idea or a thought that I lose hours just typing. I used to all the time. I remember when I was in middle school and high school that I would have millions of little spurts of ideas. Story ideas. Or even just two lined phrases that weren't connected to anything I'd ever written. They felt like these little spurted phrases were a part of something bigger that I hadn't written yet. I used to feel like I couldn't get all of my ideas on paper because there were so many.
Now, it feels like I could stare at a blank piece of paper all day long and never get an idea. Sure, there have been a couple spurts over the past couple of years but nothing in comparison to how it used to be. I remember getting in trouble in school because my teacher heard me flipping papers so much. I would be writing notes on the lessons(and keeping up with the teacher) while writing away at my stories. When I got in trouble, I didn't stop writing, I just became more sneaky about it. I started writing stories in the spare spaces of the notes I was taking. Looking at one of those pages, you'd see my carefully outlined notes, perfect for me to study from. Then, all around those notes were much smaller written words, forming lines and lines of whatever story I was working on that day. I've never finished a story. Well, I say I have but it was an extremely short story(about 3 pages long) about almost nothing. I even titled it "Nothing Never Known". It was and extremely depressing story. And it's nothing spectacular. It's just the only story I've ever finished.
Sometimes it would bother me that I'd never finished a story. I always used to say, "I just want to finish a story." Now, I just want to write again. Really write.
I feel like the emotions I used to have that led to me writing and kept me writing have been shut off. I don't know how to turn them back on. I'm slightly afraid to because that was such a dark time of my life. Not that I haven't had dark times since then, but they seemed different. My dark times back then were filled with feelings, even if it was always feeling sad. My most recent dark times were filled with numbness.
