Block or Clog?

I took the first step today. I made a phone call. Now I just have to make another phone call. And then actually go. Maybe, just maybe I can finally get all of this under control. Over the years, I've managed to bat away depression. I've managed to push it away. Yet, even when I thought it was gone, it was still lingering. It was looming over me. Waiting until that moment of weakness so it could come sweeping in on me. And it's done it once again. Sadly, this time I have medicine for it. I have the means to go and find solutions to beat it. Yet it's the one demon that lives inside me. I don't want it here. Yet, it's been a part of me for so long. It used to be just a visitor. Now, it's ingrained in me. I don't know if it can ever go anywhere. Some days, I'm scared of it leaving forever. It's the one constant. In a way, it's my release. It gives me a reason to just cry. To just lay in bed and sleep. To just not be anything for a day. I've always believed that sad emotions are easier to portray then happy ones. I already feel like I've lost a big part of me. I feel as though I've lost my way with words. I feel as though nothing flows anymore. Not even a trickle most days. What will I do when the day comes that the brick wall is completely erected. Where will I turn when I've lost my very last word. Will something replace it? Or will I be left with the shadows of once felt like my safety net. Yet, I can't live in the shadows. I can't rely on my excuses. It terrifies the hell out of me. But, maybe, just maybe, there will be something to fill the sadness that took over. Just maybe...maybe there is hope for happiness. Maybe it's not a block at all but maybe it's just a clog. Maybe there is so much waiting to come out of me that it got stuck and then it got lost, got tired of fighting for life. Maybe finally talking will bring my words back to me.

Carelessly Shutting Down

I don't know what to think anymore. The things I used to love just seem so mundane lately. The things I couldn't wait to do, I just push aside and do nothing instead. Hours on end I lay around, watching Hulu Plus. It's not just the rainy days that I feel down. It's nearly everyday. I've been on anti-depressants for a year now. Sure, at first they worked wonders. I felt like I never needed the anxiety pills then I felt like I didn't need the anti-depressants either. Sure, I've been horrible about taking them lately. But it's so much more than that. I feel as though the life has been drained out of me. I want to cry. But why? I want to just curl up and go to sleep, yet I'm not sleep-deprived today. I want to blame everything for my problems. My job at the restaurant(well there is no denying it is pure hell). The college I transferred to simply because I couldn't afford to stay where I already was(and I still can't make myself like the new school). The place I live(sure, the apartment is a great place but the other person can't stand being near me anymore over dumb issues.) The fact that I even have two jobs because I can't afford to live off one and yet I'm still struggling to make ends meet. The fact that the person that I love lives an hour away from me and it is so hard to find time to drive there, even if just for one night. All these things wear me down. But yet, I'm not so sure they are the only problem. I've had issues in the past. I've struggled with depression. Yet, I can't remember if I ever felt this low for such elongated periods of time. My doctor tells me I need to see a therapist. He's right. Yet, when and how am I going to fit one into my life. I'm terrified to even begin the search. I don't want to pick and choose through therapists, trying them on until I find just the right fit. I used to have so many ways to cope with stress. I used to write all the time. Now, I barely write. When I do write, it's just short stints that never go anywhere, mixed in with everything else going on and lost in the rubble. I used to avert my stress and sadness to other stuff. I used to busy myself. I used to read all the time. Now, I just sit here or lay on my bed and watch tv shows online. I don't do anything anymore. I don't even want to cook anymore. I'm spiraling downward and I know it yet I don't want to do anything about it. I just want to sit here and wallow in my sadness. Those papers the counseling center at school gave me for references to places in the city? Still sitting in that draw right beside me. I'm trying to make myself pull it out. Make myself actually begin the search. Yet, it's just one more thing I have to do. One more thing I can put off, inevitably too. I'm shutting down. I feel bad about it. I feel as though I'm shutting off the people who actually care but I can't stop myself. I've cut myself off. I can't care about the things I once cared about. I'm fighting to keep my passion for photography. It's still there and kicking. It's about the only thing still kicking me to do something other than work and sleep. Yet, it's only kicking. And I'm still not doing.

We both say "why cant i have love like that". Yet the difference is, you can easy have it. And im still stuck here in dreamland.

Crumbling Control

Control. Some people love it. Some people hate it. Some people can't live without it. For those, they'll do anything to keep it. When they don't have it, they spin out of control. It's like the slightest loss of control can send a control-freak into a control-less downward spiral. They begin to pick fights with anyone and everyone. They have to have the upper-hand, even if it's all for the wrong reasons and will soon crumble out from under them. It's another one of those vicious cycles.

Constrained.

Twenty. That's how old I'll be in 18 days. Junior. That's what I am in college. COLLEGE. Not High School. Not Junior High. But College. I'm moving out on my own in at least a month. I've taken care of myself. I've taken care of others. Yet, I am still treated like I am a good-for-nothing horrible little child. Yet, I am not. I have always listened to and respected elders and done what I am told. Yet, even when I do, I still get trampled on. Oh it doesn't matter how good I do something. For some reason, she still holds these invisible reigns over my head and restricts me in what I can do. Then she wonders why I don't want to do anything extra or anything for her to begin with. So many people ask me why I put up with it. Or why I don't just say or do something about it. Because I literally cannot afford to be put out on my butt. And I know that that is exactly what she would do if I even began to say anything back. For something so simple as asking her "why?" would get me thrown out. In a world where the saying "It's not fair" is cliche, this saying fits absolutely perfectly. I can't find other words. I can't find better words. My anger clouds the way for clear words that express how I feel right now.

Seatle

Another sleepless night. Maybe I should move to Seattle? At least then maybe I'd be on the right time zone. Another plus, that would be about as far as I could get away without having to learn a new language. That'd be the "fresh start" I've been aching for for years now. But really. Who can actually get a fresh start. We can't escape our own memories. And even when we do, we always have someone to remind us of the past.

Seattle....I wonder how photographers do there....

Daylight, Bright; Nightfall, There Goes the Wall

Tonight's one of those nights I wish I could write. Lately it's been so hard to just write, no matter what it is. I can't blame this on a simple case of writer's block. It feels like more than that. It feels like a mental block. Like my mind has just shut down and won't wake up. I know there is so much swarming around in my head, wanting to get out. But it's like something has created this block inside my head and even I can't get through. It's even been hard for me to let the tears flow. Yet, as I write this about how I can't write, can't think, and can't cry anymore a tear has formed in the corner of my eye. But it won't fall. I clamp my eyes shut and force it to fall. Yet nothing comes of it. No over flow of emotions. No magnificent words to share. No solid thoughts. Even the feelings that I do know I have have been buried. I buried them as soon as I felt them beginning to surface. Not only can I not find solid grounding for myself lately but I know I couldn't find a solid home for love in my heart. I want it. I even know how exactly I want it. But I can't let it in. I can't let even a small piece of my heart begin to flutter with love. Because once one part of me begins to flutter, the rest of me will fly into a whirlwind tornado. I miss the feeling of love, I miss the feeling of security, of knowing what is going to happen next. I miss the fact that I could dream of "that day". But isn't this what I've been working towards? Isn't this the dream I've been wanting. To get out on my own? But that's just it. When you try to get out on your own, you tend to end up alone. I want someone to take this leap with me. I know I can do it alone. That's not a problem. The problem is I don't want to do this alone. I know twenty is still young but for me it's taken a lifetime to get here. (Yes, I realize it has indeed taken a lifetime-my lifetime-to get here) It just feels like it's been ages. I started being an adult when I was eight years old. I never looked back. I couldn't. I had a heart-broken dad to take care of. My brother, as much as he wouldn't admit it, was too heartbroken himself to handle it. Me, being the young, naive, unknowing one was left to take care of it all. I didn't know any better so how could I fall apart? I didn't know what exactly I was falling apart into. All I'd ever known was the life I'd blindly lived. I didn't know there was another way. Now I do. Now I know the pain that comes with the territory of loving someone. Now I know the pain of doing what is best for yourself, even if it involves heartbreak either on yourself or others involved. I also know that that is what life takes. Life takes pain. They say you can't have the rainbow without the storm, the happiness without the sadness. You know what, they say these things for a reason. Not because they're catchy sayings but because they're true. Pain can be masked by so many other things. Jealousy, anger, bitterness, rage, frustration, false happiness. Yet late at night, when the rest of the world has gone to sleep, the anger and frustration fade away. All that's left is the raw pain. And the tears. It turns out that even a good mask, or some unknown wall can't even hold back the tears. They can't hold back the emotions. The only thing that holds them back is the daylight.

Faded Scars, Strong Memories

While the scars have faded away, the memories are still there. I bury them deep yet there are those rare occasions that they sneak up and take over. They're like a tidal wave, knocking me under. Forcing me to remember those dark days. The days spent by the window, tears streaming down my face like the rain on the window. Those were the days that the only thoughts were how to get away. How to move passed the lonely nights and the masked days. Those were the days that I ached for something better, some shred of true happiness. And those were the days where I ached for someone to see, for someone to know, and for someone to say something. For someone to take me in their arms and tell me that it would all be okay because they were there. Not to turn a cold shoulder and act like everything was okay. And not to be blind to the aching that I held right in front of them. The scars could have been so easy for them to see. They could have so easily noticed and said something. Yet, they never did. And still to this day, I ask, was I that good at hiding or were they that good at ignoring?

Whatever Helps You Sleep At Night

It's a phrase that's been around for...well who knows how long. It tends to be used in situations where people are trying to make others feel bad or they are upset with someone. Yet for me, whatever helps me sleep at night isn't some sort of phrase meant to cause guilt or sadness in anyone. It's a tactic for me. I'm a hopeless hopeful. Meaning I'm always dreaming and thinking about what if's and the future. Sometimes (okay, more than just sometimes), I lay in bed at night and I think about what if's and the future. I have little "mini dreams" about things that could possibly happen. Things I would like to happen. These thoughts help me get to sleep. Yet, thinking about them the next morning doesn't exactly help me get through the day. I know they won't come true. And I know it's not safe to let my heart take control like that. Yet, it really is what helps me sleep at night. I guess I'm backwards. The hopes and dreams that could get me in trouble, those things that make my heart soar then plummet when they get dashed is what helps keep the nightmares away. Things that, if they go badly, can cause nightmares, keeps them away for me as long as they stay the dreams.

Mess

I'm a paranoid person. But not in the sense that I think someone is out to get me. But in the sense that when I'm alone, people see it as lonely. Or they notice what I'm wearing, what I'm eating. I'm paranoid that people look at me and watch my every move. I'm paranoid that I've got something to prove to people-and that there's nothing to prove to them. I'm also paranoid that those around me don't always want to be around me. That they just do it out of pity or because they feel obligated to. It's not a comfortable way for me to live. Yet I have been all these years. And I can't kid myself anymore. As badly as I want to say I'm that independent woman who just doesn't care what others think about her, I'm a paranoid mess.

Bitter

I feel like I've been so angry lately. Angry and tired and irritated and just ready to let someone hear it all. It doesn't even matter who it is that gets it. I just feel so angry. I don't know why. It's more than just irritated by people. It's the fact that I'm so irritated that I'm mad. And for once, I can't figure it out right now. Sure, I can blame it on where I am. But is that really it? I don't have anywhere else to compare it to so I can't know for sure. Not yet at least. I don't like this. I'm not an angry and bitter person...So why have I been lately?

Alone in a Busy World

Sometimes I feel so isolated. Like I don't belong. Like no matter how hard I try, I just won't fit where I am. I'm always searching for a place where I feel comfortable, and like I can be myself. I've tried to fit in where I am. I've tried to blend and become a part of the mix. Yet, it doesn't work. People seem to expect me to open myself and go to them. Yet that is not who I am. This pressure to become friends with people I have no particular interest in is stressful. It's a pressure I'd rather never deal with. Yet, I have people telling and expecting me to come out of my shell and carry on small talk with people who really don't appear to personally care about me. This makes it impossible for me to care about them. This also makes me want to run. Run to a place that I fit. That I'm not pushed into carrying on conversations with people who have no interest in who I am.

Someday Without Settle

I'm taking life one day at a time. Some days, it hurts like hell. But some days, it's the best ride ever. I've learned to not let myself settle. This doesn't mean to "not let myself fall for something" but means to go for what I want and not give up. I know I deserve good things. I am a good person. I know what I want. And while it may not seem like I can get that today, someday, I will.

Hurricane's Wind

It's true. I want to get married. I want to settle down. I want that family. But right now, my entire life and future are up in the air. I don't know where I'm going in life. I can't even begin to think about trying to drag anyone along with me. In a way, I have what I want. I found what I want. And it's at a great stage right now. It's in perfection. Yet, I can't help hope for more. Yet, I know that everything is up in the air. Everything is like a hurricane's wind.

Preoccupied

Today is supposed to be a good day. It's supposed to be a day where I get to see someone I haven't seen in over a year and meet someone new to hang out with and possibly become close friends with. Yet, only one thought is flowing through my mind. You. You're the one person I want to talk to about what's going through my mind yet, I'm afraid to say anything because it's about you. I'm afraid that if I said anything it could jeopardize out friendship. Yet, I don't want to go into something else today with a preoccupied mind and possibly ruin what is supposed to be a good day. I want the courage to tell you and not fear you running scared. You don't seem like the type to run. In fact, you're so much like me and I'm not a runner, yet, you're already preoccupied elsewhere as well...

I was fine...

I was doing just fine with how things were going until I found out that that was the only way they would be. Now I'm stuck in this invisible position. I'm the one you come to when your nights are rough, yet you can't see me. I'm only that shoulder to lean on and let things out to. That's all. And it's been made very clear that that's all I'll be. I was fine with being that until I found out that's all I would be. I tried to stop my heart from leaping. I tried to keep my head from hoping. But it was hopeless. I couldn't help but think that more was down the road. Now I'm at this dead end. And it's a nice and beautiful place because you are still here. You are still my friend. Yet, I wish we could walk past the dead end and you could see more than the invisible me, and truly see me for more. See me for the one that will be here when no one else is. That will make sure everything is okay and will be okay. That will save you when you need it.

Dead End Meadow

I was doing just fine with how things were going until I found out that that was the only way they would be. Now I'm stuck in this invisible position. I'm the one you come to when your nights are rough, yet you can't see me. I'm only that shoulder to lean on and let things out to. That's all. And it's been made very clear that that's all I'll be. I was fine with being that until I found out that's all I would be. I tried to stop my heart from leaping. I tried to keep my head from hoping. But it was hopeless. I couldn't help but think that more was down the road. Now I'm at this dead end. And it's a nice and beautiful place because you are still here. You are still my friend. Yet, I wish we could walk past the dead end and you could see more than the invisible me, and truly see me for more. See me for the one that will be here when no one else is. That will make sure everything is okay and will be okay. That will save you when you need it.

Stolen Moment

We all want something to claim to, something to cling to. We search for something that we can call ours. Sometimes we even pull it out from other, just for that something that we can keep. Sadly though, this is a game that never ends. Everyone is always looking, finding, grabbing, and clinging...as though everything depended on that one stolen moment...

Shameless Anticipation.

The world is a battlefield and I'm finding it harder and harder every day to win a battle or even get ahead. It strive to get farther. I strive to go beyond what I have. I'm trying to make it in a world where raw talent is what should matter but I'm slowly finding out that some people will turn their back on you even if they've made you promises. I'm learning that promises don't mean a thing when someone even slightly better comes along. Those compliments or simple phrases float away on wisps of air that can't be seen. They never come back. They just disappear. I'm learning that the only thing I can rely on is fighting for myself. It's a shameless anticipation for getting ahead. I've got that. I've got the desire and anticipation for getting more than I have now. And I hold no shame for the world is a battlefield and I'm starting at the back.

I Draw The Line

I draw the line when there's no turning back. Once I've taken that step over the barrier between one world and another, I feel this change. Almost like the air has changed direction. I draw the line when I know I can't go back to where I was, when I know I can't reverse my feelings or thoughts and become innocent in them again. I draw the line when I know that innocence is lost, when I know that experience is all I can hold onto, and all I can move towards. I draw the line when that's the only path to take...

Progression

So today was a good day. No, nothing special happened. I didn't go anywhere other than to my two Tuesday classes. But it was a good day, despite the painful stomach cramps. Knowing that I'm going somewhere, even if not quite at this moment, is making each day a bit brighter. It almost sounds cliche to say, but this has how it's always been for me. If I felt like I was in a mindless, spinning rut, I wasn't happy. Yet, the moment I knew I was headed somewhere and that things were progressing in my life, I had a joy that could only be killed by that rut. Right now, I know that things will change in a couple months. It's a change I have chosen. One way or another it will happen. I'm just slowly taking the steps to get there and appreciating each day for the step that it is.

Each Day Into The Future

I've never been the type that could walk up to a stranger and introduce myself. I've never been the type to ask people how they were doing. I'm shy. I'm introverted. And I'm not a small talker. Yet, this causes problems. Problems that used to rule my life and make it difficult for me to go day to day because I was constantly thinking that something was wrong with me. That I wasn't good enough and people didn't want to get to know me. And sure, I know I probably put off a vibe that says I don't want to be bothered. Yet, I have learned several things recently. I don't need to push myself into territory that I don't feel comfortable in. And forcing myself to try to be friends with people that I don't have anything in common with is doing more damage than being shy has. I've recently made a decision. I've battled on and off for years with being unhappy and depressed. Yet I couldn't really change the circumstances at those times. Now, I've suffered again. The difference is it's being taken care of. Not only is in internally being taken care of but also externally. It may seem like I'm running away but I'm not. I have several reasons for my decision. One of them just so happens to be that I feel a fresh start will do me good. A chance to actually start new like I have wanted to but never actually let myself do. This time, I will do it right. And this time, I won't let myself fall backwards. Each day is a new day. Each day I learn something new and mature a bit more. Each day I begin to make better decisions for myself.

Facing My Own And Moving Past

You think I'm running. You think I'm running away. Yet the truth is I'm just trying to move forward. I'm trying to get to the next stage in my life without falling one more time. It's a battle for happiness. And not just a genuine smile for a few hours every now and then or a pleasant conversation once a week. It's about getting to the point where I don't rely on something else to get me through the say. Running away? No. Running away is for those not wanting to face their own problems. I've thought it through. I've faced my problems. Now I'm taking care of them. I said I wanted a fresh start two years ago. But I didn't give myself that. That's my fault. Now I'm taking this opportunity that has been put in front of me and I'm taking it. One way or another, I'm moving forward.

Curves and Road Blocks

...So there are a lot of curves and road blocks in life. i've experienced many. but i've made it through them all. i've seen many of my friends fall many times and each and every time it breaks my heart-literally- my friends are my life. i would do anything for them and never expect them to do anything in return. i love them because they are amazing and deserve everything. yeah, i have problems-even with my friends- but don't we all. thats what makes life interesting. no i don't like drama but its there and we just need to get used to it. just don't obsess over it. let it go. live for the moment. so what if it bothers you. let it bother you so that you can let it go and move on. there is too much in life to enjoy to worry about everything. and thats coming from someone who worries and stresses about everything possible. and thats no lie. but i've learned that. and i've learned that life is amazing no matter how many bad days you have. there will always be a rainbow at the end of any storm. just find it. and if you can't, im always here to lend a hand....no matter what im here. and i don't lie. or fake. i live. 

See What You Believe

 I want to be that positive, optimistic dreamer. I want to soar for the clouds and never look back. I want to reach and never fall. I want more than I can have. Each day, I find a new way to cope, a new thing to believe it. Each day, I find myself one step closer to believing in more than I have, sometimes believing in too much. But I will never stop believing. Hope is for those who can't help but dream of a day when believing truly becomes seeing.

See What You Believe

 I want to be that positive, optimistic dreamer. I want to soar for the clouds and never look back. I want to reach and never fall. I want more than I can have. Each day, I find a new way to cope, a new thing to believe it. Each day, I find myself one step closer to believing in more than I have, sometimes believing in too much. But I will never stop believing. Hope is for those who can't help but dream of a day when believing truly becomes seeing.

Unappreciation

I know it's not right to complain about what I don't have but lately, I'm seeing it more and more. Every time I log onto Facebook lately, I see people complaining. One minute they love this person with their whole heart, the next they hate them. Back and forth. Others complain about how they're bored and/or lonely and just want someone to talk to. Yet, they don't seem to make the effort to actually reach out to their friends. Yet, then they begin to complain about how none of their friends want to talk to them and how they thought their friends were true friends and yet their fake friends. People are continuously pushing others away. Pushing people and opportunities away and then complaining about not having things. Yet, they don't seem to realize that they have more than they realize and that if they hadn't pushed things away and let themselves think they had nothing, they wouldn't be complaining. I know I'm not perfect. I know I've done this myself. But I'm taking the fall. I don't talk to some of my friends like I want to because I'm not good at keeping contact. I get stressed easily. I have anxiety problems. It's not an excuse, I just have to learn to cope with things better. Yet, I still see others not coping. And they don't have anxiety problems. I see others who get basically free rides to college wasting time and acting like they deserve everything for being there. Sure, I know they probably aren't thinking that. But it's hard for me not to think that when I'm struggling to pay for a college I don't even like most of the time with money that I don't even have. I'm struggling to make it farther each day in this world, in this life I'm living even though I can't get any farther. I'm becoming claustrophobic. I'm walled in by things out of my control. My dream is hard to reach. I don't have money to even pay for college, much less throw around on frequent trips out to eat. Yet, sometimes all I desire is to take an evening off from all the stresses of classes I don't feel I need and go somewhere with a friend, and yes, spend some money. I'd give anything for a car and a real job right now. Yet I can't. I'm walled in. So please, all I'm asking is to appreciate what you have. Because those who don't have it would give anything for it. And you gladly throw it around like it's nothing. You have college paid for. You have easy access to the job you want in the future. You can drive yourself to Taco Bell and Wal-Mart at anytime you please. You have friends who stick close by at all times, begging to be a part of your life. You have people pining after you, wanting to be with you. Appreciate that.

To Call Oneself A Friend, How?

I’m not sure where to start. Maybe with the fact that I knew from the beginning you would be the one to break my heart. I knew you were the only one who had ever had the power to. I just didn’t know that when the time came, you would actually be gentle about it. And I still didn’t know it would hurt this bad for this long. I knew you’d find someone better. I always knew I wouldn’t be good enough. And now it’s confirmed. It’s obvious you want her over me. Part of me doesn’t understand. I’m willing to let it all pass. She isn’t. She’s not willing to let a “nothing” go. But it’s her you want. Not me. Her. And it honestly doesn’t surprise me. I mean I always knew I would be the one to lose. So why does it still hurt so bad. You’re still in my life. Just as a friend though. That’s all you’ll ever be. I’ll never get to tell you how I still love you. I’ll never get to hear you say that again. I’ll never get to look at you the way I’ve always wanted to. And I’ll never get that look back. It’s not just that you want her…it’s that you don’t want me anymore. I don’t even know if you ever did. I believe what you’ve told me. You swear you’ve never lied to me. And I believe you…I just can’t trust anyone right now. So, it’s all twisted. I don’t know if I should believe you but I know that that is what I want. I want to trust you, I want to continue to believe you. And I know that no matter what, I don’t want to lose you. Not even as a friend. I’ve known that I always wanted you in my life, one way or another. Sometimes, it doesn’t really hurt that much. Then suddenly, all I want to do it cry. All I want to do is be able to tell you all that I feel. But “friends” don’t feel the way I feel. Right now, I just want to find a way to get over you. To just be able to let all of this go. To move on, like I need to. I need to just be able to let you go the way that I know you. Teach myself how to know you as just a friend. But right now, I can’t.  Right now, everything reminds me of you. Nearly every song on the radio has some sort of lyric that reminds me of you. (The Fray, then Kelly Clarkson) “I want you to move on so I’m already gone.” There’s more from this song that reminds me but it’s almost as if this line is one you’re wanting to say me. You’ve already moved on. You’re already gone from that part of my life so now it’s just time for me to move on. Eventually I will, I know I will. Just like I know that everything happens for a reason. And I’m the understanding one anyway. You’ve always told me that. And I do understand. Just probably not in the way that you think I do. I understand that I’m not meant to have you in my life the way I want to. I understand that life goes on. I understand that everything happens for a reason and that I just have to live with it.