Changing Thoughts

So lately I’ve been thinking about the fact that I haven’t been thinking as much. I know, I know. This sounds impossible. I mean, who thinks about the fact that they haven’t been thinking? That right there shows that one has been thinking. But, this is true. I have indeed not been thinking as much. And by thinking I mean the deep, meaningful, thoughtful thinking. Not the random, in one ear and out the other thoughts that you forget as soon as it’s gone. I mean, I figured “hey, now that I have a job like this, I’ll be able to think more and maybe figure some stories out, figure some ‘life things’ out, and whatnot”. Yet, truth be told, I’m not sure what I’m thinking most of the time when I’m shoveling dust around with a 36 inch dust mop or folding gigantic pieces of cardboard into the object called the baler. There are moments that I’ll even stop moving and think, “what the heck have I been thinking about these past three hours?” Yet nothing of substance really seemed to come to mind. Yet, for some reason, I feel as though maybe I’ve been thinking a little more this week. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I had three days worth of “makeover”. Okay, not really that drastic. But, I did make some substantial changes. I used to have long hair halfway down my back. Now, it nearly escapes my shoulders. And it used to be a light-ish, weird-ish, brown-ish, color. Now, it’s burgundy and black. Also, there is this little gem looking thing “stuck” to the side of my nose that is a little interesting in my peripheral vision. These are all changes that I have been waiting to make for months now. They felt…necessary for me to make. They felt as if, because of the change that has happened to me, I needed to create a change with me. And so far, it has helped. Granted, it is only a couple days into the “new look”, but I still feel different. There does seem to be a bit of an esteem boost. And I see myself happier with the way I look. And this creates thoughts. This creates the “if all these changes keep occurring to me and if I can change how I look, maybe I can create some other changes in me.” This gives me some hope to finally gaining the sense of “lost-ness” I keep feeling. The sense of, “where do I belong in this huge, looming world?” I mean, as I’ve known for a long time, not all the answers are available yet and not everything makes sense right now. But there does seem to be this sense of being lost. I don’t know where I belong, or that I belong. I don’t know where I’ll end up. I just know that I feel like this isn’t where it is. “This” being so many different things. I mean, I have so many hopes for the future(far and near) and so many dreams. I have wishes pouring from my heart and begging to come true. Yet, they don’t seem to be. I get scared easily. And I also get paranoid, and lonely a lot faster that I feel that I should. Yet, I can’t help this. And the more I worry about the fact that I worry too much, the more that I worry. Which is all confusing in itself and doesn’t help the matter much. I also notice that lately, I seem to be putting hope in more farfetched ideas. This is where the “thinking” part comes in. I’ve noticed that lately, my thinking goes further away from the “safe boundaries” I set up for myself(in hopes of not getting my hopes dashed so often). I don’t know why this is. Maybe I’m getting tired of the normal, safe thoughts I always had. Or maybe I’m just getting tired of the way things are right now. I believe it is both. Yet, while I know that I can indeed help create some change in this chaotic mess, I have learned there are many, many things that I cannot change. Either they flow they way they are meant to, or they are stuck in the groove they’ve been in. All I can hope for is that maybe something will come of my thoughts…