Tug Of War

Lately it seems like a struggle to stay happy. Sure, I want to be happy. But for some reason I can’t just be happy. It’s not something I can just command. It’s a constant battle. One thing makes me happy, keeps me smiling for several hours and even randomly when I remember it. Then one little thing can sweep it all out from under me and it takes twice the effort just to smile. It’s true, it’s hard for me to find a place where I am happy. I work all week long where sometimes, the days are good and some days, I can’t wait to leave there fast enough. Then I come home, exhausted and sore and ready to collapse. And sometimes I do just that. I collapse and nothing happens for the rest of the day. I sleep and numbly watch tv then go right back to sleep. Yet, I never feel refreshed lately. The only times I feel alive is when I’m out. When I’m around those close to me. When I’m doing just about whatever to pass the time with others. Yet, I cannot always go out. I cannot spend all my time with others. As much as it helps me, I still have to come home and sleep and relax some. Then there’s the tension. The unhappiness in the air. The struggle to keep the peace. That’s a battle I always seem to be losing lately. It tears me apart. I try and try to make things better, to make people happier and instead, I go to sleep with a heavy heart. I ache for a better day the next day. I ache for even just one joke or nice word from someone passing by. I thrive on these. Mostly because for some reason lately, I feel like I’m failing. The one thing I’ve always tried to do(make other people happy) just doesn’t seem to be working anymore. And well, that makes it hard to be happy myself. I know, I know, I’m not supposed to just thrive on others and others can’t make me truly happy. That’s not what I’m doing here. I’m just simply trying to thrive on others. I’m trying to survive on my own. I’m trying to take the good things about myself and make them better, bring them out and show myself that I’m a good person. Yet, the good things about myself never seem to be good enough to satisfy. This opens an entirely new area of hidden thoughts. Even hidden to myself sometimes. I know that I’ve had my issues to over come in the past. And I’ve overcome them. Yet, sometimes I don’t overcome them so much as shove them into a deep dark corner of my mind that I bury with happy thoughts and laughter. The only time they get drudged up are when I don’t have the happy thoughts and laughter to keep them buried. And when there seems to be so much sadness that it reminds me that I’m burying things myself. I’m running from myself every time I reach for that door handle. I’m ignoring myself every time I laugh at memories. Yet sometimes, I do need to run and ignore. Because these daunting thoughts aren’t always true. Many times, they are cruel ways of making myself think I’m not good enough even though I know I am. It’s a sick and twisted road to happiness. Those who find their way to true smiles have been through their share of tears and pain. Once we make it to the end, we know what that smile really feels like. And we know we’ve earned it.