Gray

It's torn, these feelings I have. I find myself waiting for the next message, reading each and every word time and time again, smiling, laughing, loving every word you say. I can't wait for the time you speak of. I wish for it more than most other things. I dream of it. It makes me happy. Brightens my day.
Yet, there' this other side. This deep sadness that burrows it's way in. The one that starts when those "new messages" aren't from you. And it grows deeper as time goes on. Each time you say when the time comes, I feel a surge of hope then a plummet of sadness. Sadness over the fact that I have to wait, that I don't know how long I have to wait, wondering if "that time" will ever even come...I can't help this sadness. I can't help the tears that form through the smile I wear. I can't help the thoughts that try to shove their way into my mind. I push them as far away as possible. I refuse to even allow myself to think of you for one moment because I'm afraid that it's one moment too much and my heart with grow another ache.
Yet I can't help myself to hope. And to wait for your messages. They're what I look forward to most these days.  I'm afraid I've fooled myself when I said that I was okay. And that I can handle this, and the way things are right now. But right now, I'm finding myself wishing for one end or another. This gray wall is becoming fuzzier as the time goes on...