I can't love a lie but what if I already do?

So I promised myself I wouldn't go here. That I wouldn't think about it. Especially this way. But I can't help it. Did i trust too easily? Was it just irrational and hopeful thinking? I know I want it to be okay. That's all I want. I can feel it in my heart...but I can also feel this pain and fear that goes from my throat all the way to the pit of my stomach. I used to say I was strong enough to handle anything, even something like this fear...but I'm not so sure. I know I'll pick myself back up if it does happen, but I don't want to have to put the pieces together again. I just...I'm tired of not knowing what to think. I'm tired of being afraid. I'm ready to just know for once whether something is real or not. I fell harder than I ever fell before. And it was the best fall ever...but now I'm not completely sure what I fell into. Maybe I love to easily. My hopes get up there and then crash down upon me. I can't help but want to hope but I also don't want to risk the pain that tears my heart into pieces. One moment I'm strong and completely held together and can handle anything this situation could throw me...the next moment I'm crying tears that won't stop and scared I've made a mistake and wasted months of my life. I can't love a lie but what if I already do? My heart is hurting but it doesn't want to give up...my head is saying save yourself before the pain gets worse. I'm not sure how much longer I can wait...how much more I can let this piece of hope hold on.