Derailed Train That Cannot Be Trusted

Yesterday was a bad day. I tried my best to stay positive, and not get too down but it didn't work. Just before I was going to call the night quits and head to bed, I decided to click on a page I told myself I wouldn't. I went onto his page. It kept popping up all day long, taunting me. And finally, I gave into temptation. I don't know why I go on there. Maybe because it is some sort of connection to him. Maybe it is to search deeper, read into things more(which isn't exactly good for me seeing as it did exactly what it always does-brings me to tears). But last night was even worse. Partially because she had made another post on his wall. Which of course made me do another thing I promised myself I wasn't going to do. I went to her page. About halfway down, on the left, I saw something that made me feel betrayed. I'm not so sure I should feel this way but after everything that has happened in the past few months, I couldn't help feeling this way. It turns out someone else was a mutual friend of theirs. Someone who I used to be able to talk to about anything and everything. Someone I've tried to fix things with but we just can't seem to right now. (I'm holding onto hope that things will work out in a few months. I can't stand the idea of losing her as a friend, no matter how angry I've gotten.) That's beside the point, well only partially. But seeing this made the rivers flow. Suddenly I went from curious(good thing I'm not a cat) to bawling my eyes out uncontrollably. Everything inside of me changed. I went from perfectly comfortable to shaking uncontrollably. I experienced this awful cold chill throughout my entire body. My insides felt like they were on fire. I immediately messaged two of my friends online. I just needed to get it out. I'm the type who tries to keep things in. I try not to let people see if I'm upset. It makes me feel weak. I pride myself on being "strong" even if I'm only fooling myself. Either way, I still had to talk to someone. So I did. As usual, I vented to them, then quickly let them think I was okay. I said I was going to bed and did just that. I signed off, crawled into bed, read and fell asleep shortly after I read two chapters. Last night I slept better than the past two nights. I still dreamt and I still woke up a couple times but not as much. I felt more refreshed this morning. I finally let myself feel something last night. Ever since it happened a week ago, I've tried to be "strong" and not think about it. I had many random fits of crying those first two days but then I told myself it was all going to be okay and it was all going to work out. From then on, I refused to let myself think about it. I'm not so sure this completely worked because last night, after I finished feeling sad, I honestly felt better. I grieved, no matter how trivial it may be, and I let myself feel sad. And today, I feel better.
It started out slow, I was still exhausted this morning and struggled to stay awake. But for some reason I keep having this specific dream I had last week popping into my mind. It was a random one, that wouldn't actually happen in real life, but there was one part that I remember vividly. I finally admitted to myself that I had it today. I still can't say it out loud, so instead I typed it in a text message to a friend. I'm lucky she is the type not to read into things or tease me. She simply smiled, laughed a little. It helped. Because no matter how much I try not to think about it, its still there. I still had the dream. And I've had the random little thoughts for the past couple months. I just shush them and shove them as far into the back of my mind as possible. But, I've seen this person I dreamt about quite a bit today. And not just at a distance, but close up. And I keep being reminded of my dream. And I'm the type of person that says dreams mean something, even if they really don't mean anything at all. A lot of dreams people have are ways of thinking. Relieving stress or being imaginative. Many of them have symbolism behind them. I won't get into that now because I can go for hours possibly. And I know that not all of that dream meant something. Most of it was just my mind still running even after I tried to turn it off and sleep. But that one part, the part with this person, its the part that I'm afraid to admit. And no matter how much I want Him back, I'm beginning to think this might be...well let's not go there. Anywho, I can't avoid the fact that this other person, from my dream, is well someone I've thought about but won't admit that I have. I'm not sure why my mind is thinking like this. It may have something to do with the fact that my emotions have been running like a derailed train lately and cannot be trusted. And it may also have something to do with the fact that no matter how "strong" and independent I am, I am afraid-no, terrified- of being alone. If someone were to ask me what my ultimate fear is, it is being alone. And not the "alone in a crowd" or "alone in the dark" or anything like that kind of fear. But the alone for the rest of my life fear. The no one will want to be with me fear. The "alone in love" I guess I could say. Sure, I've loved. But so far, I've lost each one. I still love each and every person that I have ever loved but they've always left. Sure, the one I loved before this didn't technically leave but you can't lose someone you feel like you never truly had. And right now this is being proven to me. This one that I love more than I ever have, well he left in a way. And the worst part of it is that I'm not even sure where we stand. I'm not sure what to think anymore.
And now I realize that I started talking about him, went on to a different subject and somehow ended up talking about him again. I really am obsessed. Maybe not. But still, this is how my thoughts run lately.
But let's try to stay away from him right now, because even though I am strong today, and I am doing much better today, I don't need anymore temptation or curiosity. I just need a clear mind. And I'm feeling like today, I actually have a part of that. I noticed a beat in my step, almost like a...happiness of sorts or something. Well, maybe a calmness. And I'm seeing that my thoughts are going in a different direction today, more towards the person from my dream. The person I keep running into. The person I wish I was better friends with right now. The person who makes fake trees move...