A Lesson For The Lost One

Lately, a lot has happened. In the past year and especially in the past month. I knew this year would be one of change but I wasn't prepared for this much. I was eager for some change but some of it I did resist. In the past month, my life has felt nearly upside down. (Maybe even more than a month.) My life is continuously changing. I'm getting close to the end of my freshman year of college(who would'a thunk?) and summer is within sight(only a week!). It's bittersweet in several ways. Freshman year of college is a once in a lifetime thing. And it flew by. Sometimes I wish I could have taken more advantage of it but then again, the way it went is just how it was supposed to. Lately, I've been thinking a lot. About what I want to do once I graduate. Well, more like what I would really like to happen because we all know life does not always go according to our plan. I've also been thinking about a lot of what has changed. I have to say first, we always tend to drudge up the bad before the good. So that is where my mind goes first when I think of change. I have to admit (although I really haven't until now), I fell out of touch some(not a lot but enough to hurt) with someone who is the ultimate influence in my life. Here I am at this prestigious Christian college and of course what happens? I begin to feel this horrible strain on my relationship with God. It's terrible and I hate admitting it but it is the truth. And I have to admit the truth. But, with everything that has happened lately(as in the past couple weeks) I am feeling us growing closer. And this proves what I have always believed in. Everything happens for a reason. Yes, it hurts like hell, it hurts so unbelievably much, to know(not think anymore) that I am losing something. I'll never be over it. Never ever be over any of it. I don't lose people well in my life. Especially ones who have had an impact on my life. But right now, I  am coming to terms with it all. I know that right now, the best thing is space. The thing that I need most for myself is space from all of this(and there is much that I am talking about). I need to be able to clear my mind and let God lead me through his path. I know I have heard that some people will walk in and out of your life. I've just never handled the "walking out" part too well. And usually, it has happened over distance. This is so close. It is right here. But, I am still willing to let God do His will. It is hard on me but I feel like there is nothing else I can do on my own. Not right now. I did what I thought I needed for all of it. Now, I'm letting Him lead me through. I always believe that everything happens for a reason. And it is so true that when He closes one door, he opens another one first. He has put others in my life that have lightened it. That have made it easier on me. Made me feel less alone. Making friends(true, till the end friends) have been always difficult for me to make. I am a private person. I don't divulge well. But yet, I have been given this gift of others. Ones similar to me yet still different. They have made me happy again. For a while(and still) I have been finding it hard to keep a smile. This isn't exaggeration. This is simple truth. There is so much stress on me right now that that is all that I can see. This tunnel gets dimmer and dimmer for me everyday. Yet, when I look to my side, I see those with the lantern to light the way. This is how it's always gone for me. When I feel myself wandering down a dark path and it feels like my own light has blown, all I have to do is actually turn and I will see someone walking by my side either with their own light or a match to re-light mine. It's getting myself to turn my head to see this. I pride myself on being "independent" and "strong" even if I know I'm not. This is where I get myself into trouble. I am a stubborn, paranoid person. I'm too scared to even thinking of relying on someone else, leaning on them just to catch myself. Yet, we all need someone to pick us up sometimes. I stumble a lot. I fall many many times. Yet, I never want to ask for help. I always wait until it's too late. Instead of asking for someone to catch me before I fall, I don't look around for help until I have fallen so much I can't get up anymore on my own. This is what I do. This is how I am. Yet, I am learning. I am learning that sometimes it is okay to lean on someone, to let go sometimes. I desire to be carefree, trusting. Yet, I struggle. I struggle so much that sometimes it has been hard for me to trust my creator. I want to have sole control of myself because I don't trust anyone else. Yet, He is not just anyone else. Without Him, there wouldn't be a me so it isn't even logical for me to think I am the only one in control of my life. Yes, I do hold control. But only momentary control. He holds forever control. This is my lesson to myself: I know I cannot trust others well, I know I am hurting and losing and changing. I know I am scared(beyond belief). I know things are not what I imagined right now. I know I have problems. But I also know that through the darkness, through all the stumbles and falls, through everything bad and everything at all, I have so much to live for. No matter what happens, someone always steps in and saves me when it is getting too tough for me to handle on my own. So, no matter the questions or doubt or terror I have, He has His reasons. He is in control, yet he let's me make my own path. He let's me learn from my own mistakes. I couldn't ask for anything more. Everything happens for a reason...