Someday Without Settle

I'm taking life one day at a time. Some days, it hurts like hell. But some days, it's the best ride ever. I've learned to not let myself settle. This doesn't mean to "not let myself fall for something" but means to go for what I want and not give up. I know I deserve good things. I am a good person. I know what I want. And while it may not seem like I can get that today, someday, I will.

Hurricane's Wind

It's true. I want to get married. I want to settle down. I want that family. But right now, my entire life and future are up in the air. I don't know where I'm going in life. I can't even begin to think about trying to drag anyone along with me. In a way, I have what I want. I found what I want. And it's at a great stage right now. It's in perfection. Yet, I can't help hope for more. Yet, I know that everything is up in the air. Everything is like a hurricane's wind.

Preoccupied

Today is supposed to be a good day. It's supposed to be a day where I get to see someone I haven't seen in over a year and meet someone new to hang out with and possibly become close friends with. Yet, only one thought is flowing through my mind. You. You're the one person I want to talk to about what's going through my mind yet, I'm afraid to say anything because it's about you. I'm afraid that if I said anything it could jeopardize out friendship. Yet, I don't want to go into something else today with a preoccupied mind and possibly ruin what is supposed to be a good day. I want the courage to tell you and not fear you running scared. You don't seem like the type to run. In fact, you're so much like me and I'm not a runner, yet, you're already preoccupied elsewhere as well...

I was fine...

I was doing just fine with how things were going until I found out that that was the only way they would be. Now I'm stuck in this invisible position. I'm the one you come to when your nights are rough, yet you can't see me. I'm only that shoulder to lean on and let things out to. That's all. And it's been made very clear that that's all I'll be. I was fine with being that until I found out that's all I would be. I tried to stop my heart from leaping. I tried to keep my head from hoping. But it was hopeless. I couldn't help but think that more was down the road. Now I'm at this dead end. And it's a nice and beautiful place because you are still here. You are still my friend. Yet, I wish we could walk past the dead end and you could see more than the invisible me, and truly see me for more. See me for the one that will be here when no one else is. That will make sure everything is okay and will be okay. That will save you when you need it.

Dead End Meadow

I was doing just fine with how things were going until I found out that that was the only way they would be. Now I'm stuck in this invisible position. I'm the one you come to when your nights are rough, yet you can't see me. I'm only that shoulder to lean on and let things out to. That's all. And it's been made very clear that that's all I'll be. I was fine with being that until I found out that's all I would be. I tried to stop my heart from leaping. I tried to keep my head from hoping. But it was hopeless. I couldn't help but think that more was down the road. Now I'm at this dead end. And it's a nice and beautiful place because you are still here. You are still my friend. Yet, I wish we could walk past the dead end and you could see more than the invisible me, and truly see me for more. See me for the one that will be here when no one else is. That will make sure everything is okay and will be okay. That will save you when you need it.

Stolen Moment

We all want something to claim to, something to cling to. We search for something that we can call ours. Sometimes we even pull it out from other, just for that something that we can keep. Sadly though, this is a game that never ends. Everyone is always looking, finding, grabbing, and clinging...as though everything depended on that one stolen moment...

Shameless Anticipation.

The world is a battlefield and I'm finding it harder and harder every day to win a battle or even get ahead. It strive to get farther. I strive to go beyond what I have. I'm trying to make it in a world where raw talent is what should matter but I'm slowly finding out that some people will turn their back on you even if they've made you promises. I'm learning that promises don't mean a thing when someone even slightly better comes along. Those compliments or simple phrases float away on wisps of air that can't be seen. They never come back. They just disappear. I'm learning that the only thing I can rely on is fighting for myself. It's a shameless anticipation for getting ahead. I've got that. I've got the desire and anticipation for getting more than I have now. And I hold no shame for the world is a battlefield and I'm starting at the back.

I Draw The Line

I draw the line when there's no turning back. Once I've taken that step over the barrier between one world and another, I feel this change. Almost like the air has changed direction. I draw the line when I know I can't go back to where I was, when I know I can't reverse my feelings or thoughts and become innocent in them again. I draw the line when I know that innocence is lost, when I know that experience is all I can hold onto, and all I can move towards. I draw the line when that's the only path to take...

Progression

So today was a good day. No, nothing special happened. I didn't go anywhere other than to my two Tuesday classes. But it was a good day, despite the painful stomach cramps. Knowing that I'm going somewhere, even if not quite at this moment, is making each day a bit brighter. It almost sounds cliche to say, but this has how it's always been for me. If I felt like I was in a mindless, spinning rut, I wasn't happy. Yet, the moment I knew I was headed somewhere and that things were progressing in my life, I had a joy that could only be killed by that rut. Right now, I know that things will change in a couple months. It's a change I have chosen. One way or another it will happen. I'm just slowly taking the steps to get there and appreciating each day for the step that it is.

Each Day Into The Future

I've never been the type that could walk up to a stranger and introduce myself. I've never been the type to ask people how they were doing. I'm shy. I'm introverted. And I'm not a small talker. Yet, this causes problems. Problems that used to rule my life and make it difficult for me to go day to day because I was constantly thinking that something was wrong with me. That I wasn't good enough and people didn't want to get to know me. And sure, I know I probably put off a vibe that says I don't want to be bothered. Yet, I have learned several things recently. I don't need to push myself into territory that I don't feel comfortable in. And forcing myself to try to be friends with people that I don't have anything in common with is doing more damage than being shy has. I've recently made a decision. I've battled on and off for years with being unhappy and depressed. Yet I couldn't really change the circumstances at those times. Now, I've suffered again. The difference is it's being taken care of. Not only is in internally being taken care of but also externally. It may seem like I'm running away but I'm not. I have several reasons for my decision. One of them just so happens to be that I feel a fresh start will do me good. A chance to actually start new like I have wanted to but never actually let myself do. This time, I will do it right. And this time, I won't let myself fall backwards. Each day is a new day. Each day I learn something new and mature a bit more. Each day I begin to make better decisions for myself.